A psychologist and professor has outlined the top four ‘toxic’ traits that are guaranteed to end your relationship before it even has a chance to blossom.
John Gottman identified criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as the key conversation patterns that can “ruin” relationships.
Thuy Lefrom Britain, has been with her boyfriend for more than 14 years and the couple recently started seeing a relationship therapist.
Their therapist explained how Gottman’s principles can impact all couples – and the key signs everyone should look for.
“We’ve had a bit of a hard time in our relationship, but we do so many things that we absolutely shouldn’t do,” Thuy said.
Thuy Le, from Britain, has been with her boyfriend for more than 14 years and the couple recently started seeing a relationship therapist
1. Criticism
Thuy explained that there was a difference between criticizing and complaining.
“Criticism is when you attack your partner’s personality traits or character traits. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say anything about your partner’s behavior that upsets you.
“You’re entitled to your feelings and you should let them know if they hurt you, but it’s how you say it that matters.”
It is essential to pay attention to your tone and think before you speak.
Thuy gave an example: If your partner always leaves the toilet seat up, don’t call him lazy or stupid, just point out the pattern and ask him to make sure the seat is down next time.
2. Contempt
“My therapist said that contempt is the most destructive of all four traits — it’s when you show blatant disrespect to your partner,” Thuy revealed.
It can range from things like abuse and insults to name-calling and eye-rolling.
“It usually happens when you get into a big fight with your partner and end up saying things you don’t mean,” she explained. “You both end up feeling unappreciated.”
“Try not to argue when you’re really upset because you’ll never find a solution.”
The therapist suggested taking some time for yourself and then coming back together when you are calmer.
3. Defensiveness
Another trait that couples struggle with is being defensive.
“If you try to deflect and start making excuses, if you don’t take responsibility and blame others, that’s a problem,” the therapist said.
The therapist revealed that criticism and defensiveness often go hand in hand and that is where you often tend to clash with your partner.
“My therapist said we should listen to understand rather than listen to speak,” Thuy said. ‘It has made a world of difference.’
4. Stonewalling (the silent treatment)
“The silent treatment is a slow death in a relationship,” the therapist said.
It occurs when someone avoids a big argument and faces the issue head-on, in favor of going the other way.
“The person giving the silent treatment thinks they’re doing the right thing by calming the situation down because you’re not having an argument,” she said.
“But it eventually leads to something much worse, where one person starts to feel extremely angry and the other partner probably assumes you don’t care enough to talk about the situation.”
She concluded: ‘A healthy relationship isn’t a couple that never fights – it’s a couple that knows how to resolve their arguments.’
“We’ve had a bit of a hard time in our relationship, but we do so many things that we absolutely shouldn’t do,” Thuy said
Many thanked Thuy for sharing her thoughts and opinions.
‘Thank you so much for the insight – this will help me in the future!’ said one.
“My husband and I have a hard time holding back, it always hurts more when we finally have to face the problem,” wrote another.
“My problem is that my complaints turn into criticism because there is no recognition or improvement,” one woman said.