The Secret of Selfishness: Embrace the Liberating, Life-Enhancing Power of Saying No

MMy mother has undergone a remarkable transformation since becoming a widow over a year ago. She has a new mantra, which is, “I’d rather not.” I think she saw it on an embroidery meme. Whatever its origins, I found it inspiring and I think it can be an important lesson for building a better life.

I’ve changed the details of this story, but kept the gist: Let’s say she was recently invited to join a book club by one of our mutual friends, but she didn’t want to go. Instead of having to endure monthly invitations to go to something she didn’t want to go to, and having to come up with a different excuse each time, or worse, not going at all, she simply gave her mantra: “I’d rather not.”

I was pretty stunned when I found this out. I felt the same shock I felt when I discovered the different flavors of KitKat they sell in Japan and thought, “Oh my gosh, I didn’t know they could make chocolate that color.” It was especially painful to hear because by the time my mom told me her answer, I had already responded to the same invitation with, “Oh yeah, thank you very much. I would love that.” It hadn’t occurred to me that declining was an option.

I’m at a point in my life where I don’t have the time or energy to read my mail, let alone a book, and a night out feels very precious and ideally spent with my husband or a dinner with a dear friend. So I’ve been forced to ask myself, why on earth did I say yes?

Well, I’ve thought about it for a long time and I think I understand something of what happened. It’s telling that I didn’t even consider saying no, even though I knew right away that I absolutely didn’t want to say yes.

I guess at that moment I felt like I had no choice: someone had asked me to do something, and I believed that their wish for me to do it was more important than my wish not to do it.

We’re taught from a young age that we can’t be selfish – girls more than boys, mothers more than anyone else, but we all experience this pressure from society. What we’re less aware of is the pressure from within, this instinct that many of us have that our own needs and desires are things that need to be ignored, neglected, silenced. We call it people-pleasing, but I don’t think that’s entirely accurate. Yes, it results in us pleasing other people, but that’s a very superficial analysis of what’s really going on; that’s not necessarily where the pressure comes from. The pressure can come from the silencing and starvation of our own needs and desires.

To build a better life, a certain amount of selfishness, of prioritizing your own wants and needs over those of others, is necessary. Not all the time, not in all circumstances, but enough of the time and in enough of the circumstances that matter most to you. I’m not suggesting that you shirk all responsibility or be unnecessarily cruel, but part of growing up and becoming your own person involves discovering your own desires and priorities and making sure that you’re living the life you want to live, rather than the life that others want you to live. Sometimes that means putting your own feelings ahead of those of others, and knowing why you’re doing it, and acknowledging that it can hurt the ones you love.

Maybe that’s part of why it’s so hard to say no; we don’t want to hurt the ones we love. We don’t want to cause them pain, or anger, or frustration. As if that pain, anger, and frustration are unbearable. As if those feelings aren’t an important part of life—as meaningful and valuable as joy or love, though perhaps far less desirable.

It’s something I struggle with every day as a mother. Because while I find it hard to say no, I also know that a child who is never told no is robbed of the opportunity to learn that hearing no is a bearable, survivable, and often helpful experience. When I, as a parent, am so afraid of my child’s pain, my child may experience his or her emotions as overwhelming, terrifying things to be avoided at all costs—as something to be protected from, rather than something vital to be felt.

Not long after the book club incident, a friend asked me to do them a favor, and I almost said yes. But I caught myself, I thought about it, and I realized I’d rather not, and I didn’t have time.* So I said no. And that felt great.

* I had to read a lot for book club.