THE PEOPLE OF PLATELL: So how will Harry and Meghan live the billionaire lifestyle now?

Long before South Park parodied Harry and Meghan’s “Worldwide Privacy Tour” following the release of the Duke Spare’s self-pitying and hateful memoir, the brilliant British satirical TV series The Windsors aired a particularly memorable episode.

This saw the ‘Meghan’ character pitch a $100 million series about a turtle who ‘enables her sister turtles’ to leave their shells. Needless to say, the company boxed her in.

And that, unfortunately for the Sussexes, is increasingly where they seem to be. Having signed an £18 million deal with Spotify just three years ago, the pair have now parted ways with the podcast giant.

Meghan’s Archetypes show will not be renewed after insiders claimed the former failed to meet the “productivity benchmark” required to “receive the full payout.”

What to read for: A boring series about “labels holding women back” just wasn’t worth the money.

So where does that leave the Sussexes? After proudly announcing in January 2020 that they would no longer work as royals, they were free to support themselves.

But just three years later, their appeal is clearly waning.

Their main contract is the “multi-year” $100 million deal with Netflix.

Still, there is no sign of any sequel to their Harry & Meghan docuseries late last year, while Meghan’s Pearl project, an animation, was shelved by the company.

Yes, Harry has a $20 million book deal, but his complaints about life as a prince don’t seem to be doing him any favours, especially in America.

In January, a poll revealed that his popularity in the US had fallen by 45 points, while Meghan’s had fallen by 36.

And now the media giants have discovered that Harry and Meghan are one-trick ponies. Their only value was that they were abominable to the royal family.

After spitting out their bile, these two privileged whiners have nothing to offer but more meanness and narcissism.

Yet they still have all the luxuries. A $13 million California mansion, eye-watering personal security bills, an army of lawyers, communications people, personal assistants, stylists, consultants, private jets and general staff, not to mention the gardeners needed to keep their palatial seven-acre grounds looking stunning. to show.

Which makes us wonder: How will they sustain their billionaire lifestyle now that the Spotify bubble has burst?

Why Liz’s Sexy Movie Makes Me Feel Bad…

What’s not to love about Liz Hurley, mother, actress, charity worker and bikini model who looks more beautiful every year?

Still, Liz’s latest movie, a steamy “erotic thriller” in which she’s seduced by a younger woman who kisses her luscious breasts, seems a little, well, icky.

The writer-director of Strictly Confidential is her son Damian and most of us would be horrified to see our mother half naked let alone having sex on screen.

A word of comfort and advice for Boris Johnson from Rod Stewart. “I was and still am a fan of Boris,” the rock star says, adding, “Maybe he should talk to me: I’ve been making comebacks for years.”

Pray for hero dog

Incredible that four children who were lost in the Amazon jungle for 40 days after their plane crashed were found alive – but more amazing that one rescuer was a special forces sniffer dog.

The heroic Wilson was left behind in the rush to save the children. Now his handler and 70 commandos scour the rainforest, vowing never to give up on him.

Let’s pray he can sniff his way to safety.

The Archbishop of Canterbury considers the drop in church attendance below one million to be ‘a personal failure’. So he should.

Churches locked for Covid, £100m to apologize for slavery, criticism of immigration regulations.

Cringing liberal Justin Welby has lost sight of his true flock: ordinary people who share conservative Christian values.

May the fur be with my moggie

Kate Beckinsale says her heart is “absolutely and utterly broken” following the death of her beloved cat Clive, an Instagram star.

My moggie Ted sends his deepest condolences, but warns me that if I ever tried to parade him on social media in a designer papaoose or dress him in a Star Wars outfit, the Force would be with him!

A poignant moment when BBC news presenter Jane Hill announced that breast cancer survival rates have soared since the 1990s.

Jane revealed that she was diagnosed with breast cancer five years ago and is free of the disease. I greet her.

Lots of critical acclaim as Glenda Jackson dies. A great actress, yes, but many will never forgive her irate speech after Margaret Thatcher’s death.

Jackson accused Ms T of inflicting “horrific social and economic damage” and of “greed and selfishness.”

So forgive me if I don’t add my voice to the chorus of praise.

Divine Dawn French dressed up as Dibley’s Reverend to celebrate the life of her dear friend Kris Hallenga, who has stage four cancer and wanted a “living funeral” to show her friends how much she loved them.

They even had an Abba sing-along. Dancing Queen, put all your love on me and thank you for the music?

Wouldn’t be a dry eye in the pews.

Sadiq doesn’t speak wisely…

London Mayor Sadiq Khan urges his staff not to refer to “illegal immigrants” but instead to refer to “people of uncertain immigration status”.

Very well, but after 700 people landed uninvited on our shores last weekend and thousands more are expected over the summer, we all know they will never be returned once they get to Blighty.

What’s ‘unsafe’ about that?

The Ynyshir restaurant in Wales has been voted Britain’s best for the second year in a row thanks to Chef Gareth Ward’s £375-per-head 30-course menu.

Best of all, the restaurant refuses to “accommodate any dietary requirements.”

I’m adopting this motto for my evening meals: if you’re vegan or have “allergies,” bring your own food or don’t show up.

Westminster wars

• The Privileges Committee’s decision to convict Boris over Partygate confirmed what many had feared: this was a witch hunt with only one goal: to destroy him. But as he promised, he’ll be back as the Terminator – and more dangerous than ever for treacherous Tories.

• How cowardly of Rishi Sunak to refuse to say whether he will take part in Monday’s vote to oust the former prime minister. Tories who abstain or vote against Boris could suffer the consequences.

Two years after the death of wife Helen McCrory, Damian Lewis releases an album on which he sings: ‘She comes as a blackbird.’

I understand. I’m sure the two magpies I feed are mom and dad watching me.

Disturbing claims that all 104 survivors of the 750 migrants on the boat that sank in the Mediterranean Sea were men aged between 16 and 40.

Now it is feared that hundreds of women and children have been lost. So much for the old maritime tradition: women and children first.

Tragedy for families

Nottingham’s African family of knife murders suspect 31-year-old Valdo Calocane settled in Wales years ago.

Neighbors say the parents were sweet churchgoers with three polite children.

Tragically, another family has been destroyed, forever associated with those horrific events.

Lots of excitement Chez Platell at the start of the Ashes yesterday. Before you ask, I passed the Tebbit test decades ago and will choose England.

And how touching that players from both sides wore black armbands in respect for cricket-loving Barnaby, hockey-loving Grace and the tragedy that has befallen Nottingham.