The nine ways to be a good mother-in-law (even if you don’t like your child’s partner), revealed by a top clinical psychologist

Being a mother-in-law has never been easy. Do you like them? Do they like you? And how much involvement in your child’s relationships is too much?

Well-meaning comments can easily lead to tensions. And the rise of blended families has made the dynamics of mothers-in-law more complex.

The partners your children choose may have been married before, have children of their own, and may even bring in-laws to strengthen the family.

But as a clinical psychologist, I specialize in family dynamics, and I teach the families who come to me clear guidelines that everyone can follow if they want to enjoy a happy, harmonious relationship with their child’s partner in the long term.

Below I share my top tips, including why it’s okay if you’re not that crazy about your new son or daughter-in-law.

Let children live their lives

The perfect mother-in-law is a fairy tale character, so stop trying to get the relationship “right.” This is not a “role,” you are now just a spectator.

If you did a good job during your child’s formative years, they were sent into the wilderness as prepared as possible. Trust that you taught them well.

Rather than being overly involved, the joy of being a mother-in-law is that you stay close enough to watch your children live their own lives. The best you can hope for is a harmonious relationship between you, your children, and their partners.

Be careful what you say about partners

From now on, you must be very careful to phrase everything you say kindly, because anything negative can be taken as criticism.

Your child’s partner sees you as someone with the strongest relationship with the person he/she loves. He/she will look for negative things and be alert for approval.

Remember you didn’t have a child

The people your children will be settling down with are not your children, and you need to get rid of any notion that you are “mothering” them. The most you can gain is a new understanding of a relationship that is important to your child. Play your cards right and you will be close to them and share large parts of their lives.

Try not to criticize their parents

It can be tempting for your children’s partners to use you as a dumping ground for their negative feelings about their own parents.

Don’t play that game. As tempting as it is to think, “Aren’t they worthless? I’m so much better at this job!”, it’s best to say nothing, or something soothing, like, “I’m sure they did the best they could under the circumstances.”

Small gestures can show someone you care

The best way to bond with your child’s significant other is to get to know them. Note their birthday or the day they start a new job, and send flowers or a funny card. A small gesture shows that you care about them as an individual, not just as your own child’s significant other.

Don’t assume you’ll like them

You are not expected to like your daughter or son-in-law. Let’s be honest, sometimes you probably don’t even like your own children, but love transcends all. This also applies to ex-partners.

Even if the relationship is over, don’t say, “I’m glad they’re gone, I never liked them.” Your child may choose to go back to him or her…

Never give advice unless asked for

A good mother-in-law spends a lot of time biting her tongue and resisting the temptation to intervene with a bit of sage advice. They are adults and may take your good advice as patronizing. You can’t always force them to do what you want, but you can be at peace with their decisions.

The Golden Rule of Grandparenthood

Nothing gives people goosebumps more than a mother-in-law criticizing the way her child and partner are raising their kids.

So when grandchildren come along, I strongly urge you to establish one important rule very early on.

Tell them that they can raise their children however they want, that you are happy to consult with them, but that you will never criticize or make unsolicited suggestions.

This means that when you are all together, you have to close your eyes to any possible ‘parenting mistakes’.

However, tell them that when you are solely responsible for the children, you will deal with them as you see fit.

The truth is that raising children changes dramatically from generation to generation. It is important that these differences do not come between you.

If you don’t apply this rule, everything you say or do to your grandchildren may come across as criticism.

Avoid competition with other in-laws

Trying to outdo the other in-laws will only end in tears. Avoid the temptation to compare the time your children or grandchildren spend with their spouses’ families. Quality of time together is key, not quantity.

Dr Linda Blair is a clinical psychologist and a fellow of the British Psychological Society.

As told to Louise Atkinson