Where were you during the Great Snowflake Quake?
11:02 am and my iPhone hastily vibrated, with a deeply offensive scream, while shouting the word ‘EMERGENCY’ in bold letters.
Apparently an earthquake had occurred in the tri-state area (magnitude 4.8).
“STAY INSIDE,” the alarm implored, nearly forty minutes after the earthquake struck.
It’s worth noting that magnitudes aren’t even considered ‘moderate’ until they get to around 5.3. But it doesn’t matter – wipe away that hangover, put on your panic boots, the weekend can wait.
Deaths or injuries: zero. Serious material damage: none. Hysterical Insanity: MAXIMUM.
Call in the fighter jets, hold the front page, President Biden was ‘briefed’ on the incident, we have learned.
Then came the cable news disaster.
11:02 am and my iPhone hastily vibrated, with a deeply offensive scream, while shouting the word ‘EMERGENCY’ in bold letters. Apparently an earthquake had occurred in the tri-state area (magnitude 4.8).
Fox News’ weather girl told us in her best crisis voice that this rumble was the biggest the East Coast had seen since 1884. “So before any of us were actually alive to feel that,” she said uncertainly.
Cut to DIY footage of a Richard Snyder from Pennsylvania screaming “Holy f***, Holy f***” while his house, well, didn’t seem to move at all.
On CNN, reporter Andrew Kaczynski called to describe the “crazy” events. “I thought I was going crazy,” he said. “A mirror was shaking, you know.”
No, Andrew, we don’t – tell us more!
Governor Kathy Hochul, channeling her inner President Zelensky, donned battle gear to hold the first presser.
“We take this very seriously,” she said. “There are always possibilities for aftershocks!”
Oh Kathy, please, I can’t bear it. Tell us if Taylor Swift survived!
My email pinged. It was my mother, who lives in London, who checked if I was okay, to which I said thank you, because not many people have asked if I am okay.
Oh no, wait. That was Meghan Markle in that interview with Tom Bradby.
Meanwhile, trains were halted in Philadelphia, nearly 100 miles from the epicenter. Flights were grounded for hours at New York’s international airports. But where-oh-where was Mayor Eric Adams?
He was difficult to distinguish among the many City Hall officials, who had to be changed out of their pajamas for the second press conference.
I counted at least seventeen, including of course the head of the sanitary department.
Adams reminded a city that survived September 11 that “we are ready for the unexpected,” but if you feel any more shocks, “drop to the ground, cover your head and neck, take cover.” Whereupon I was shocked and fell to the ground.
Schools Chancellor David Banks assured parents they could stay at the bar and “not have to pick up their children early” thanks to the “professionalism (of the teaching staff) in the event of an emergency.”
Building Commissioner James Oddo’s motto was “if you see something, say something.”
Eric Adams reminded a city that survived September 11 that “we are ready for the unexpected,” but if you feel any more shocks, “drop to the ground, cover your head and neck, take cover.” Whereupon I was shocked and fell to the ground.
Should I stagger to the salad bar across the street with my hands above my head, I wondered. Is a tsunami rushing towards Lower Manhattan? And will someone please tell me if Taylor Swift is safe?!
Now, in all seriousness, my point is: that this little belly grumble became a major international problem is actually quite humiliating.
Earthquake-hardened Asian countries must watch and laugh.
Here at home, at least sixteen US states experience earthquakes on a semi-regular basis – including California, where there were nearly 40,000 in 2022, of which 14 were ‘significant’, meaning magnitudes of 6.0 and higher.
Quakes of that magnitude Are Re. They can cause significant damage to buildings that have underlying instability, which is not only costly but also potentially disastrous in terms of human injury.
Magnitudes of around 4.0, meanwhile, resemble a large truck passing by.
In Taiwan, there have been about 2,000 magnitude 4.0 earthquakes in the past 40 years. In Japan there are 1,500 every year.
I have to say, as a Brit living in Manhattan, I’m surprised by how thin-skinned New Yorkers are.
Perhaps naively, I assumed their attitude to life’s curveballs would be similar to that of Londoners: keep calm and carry on.
After all, this is a city where rats rule the subway, blocks are littered with trash, and the sight of a drug-fueled brawl is less daunting than trying to snag a Saturday dinner reservation.
Governor Kathy Hochul, channeling her inner President Zelensky, donned battle gear to hold the first presser. “We take this very seriously,” she said. “There are always possibilities for aftershocks!” Oh Kathy, please, I can’t bear it. Tell us if Taylor Swift survived!
This morning I boarded the F train (F for stinks of fart) and found a comatose man surrounded by a puddle of vomit.
I decided to move on to the next car, but noticed that several others had no problem sitting next to this poor guy and blissfully reading their newspapers.
In 2022, twenty New Yorkers contracted the rat-related disease leptospirosis, which can lead to kidney failure and in some cases death.
Toxic pollution now causes more than 3,000 fatalities and 2,000 hospitalizations in the city every year.
Downtown hotels are now being overrun by migrants shipped north to share the burden at the overwhelmed southern border. Crime is rampant. Public sanitation is at an all-time low.
Maybe there should be a department for that? And maybe Mayor Adams’ crack team of mad men would do better to address these real issues and, when it comes to a little cringe, do like Taylor Swift… and shake it off.