I am 70 and have been single my entire life. And before you feel sorry for me – please don’t. I have no doubt that single life is my best life.
It’s not just better than a bad lover, it’s better than any lover, no matter how great that person is.
And far from being a rarity, I believe there are many people like me. I call them ‘single at heart’. For these people, being single is our most joyful, authentic, meaningful and fulfilling life.
We are not single because we are running away from something or because we have ‘problems’. We are single because we love what the single life has to offer.
Growing up, I didn’t know there was such a thing as choosing to remain happily single. I was surrounded by the relentlessly promoted and celebrated cultural script that insists that what people want more than anything else is a committed romantic relationship.
People who choose to be single are not sad and lonely. In fact, research has shown that singles are on average more connected to more people (stock image)
In that script, no one really wants to be single, or at least not for long. If they think they do, they’re fooling themselves. And if they do stay single, they’ll just get sadder and lonelier as they get older.
Now I know better. As a social psychologist who has been studying singles and singles since 1992, I can tell you that the myths about singles are all wrong.
People who choose to stay single are not sad and lonely. In fact, research has shown that singles have more connections with more people on average.
Compared to married people, we socialize more with friends and neighbors and keep in touch with our parents more regularly. While couples may have The One, we have The Ones.
And as for regretting being single as we get older – again, that’s not true. Research shows that singles get happier and happier with their single lives as they approach middle age and old age. In fact, as I get older, my single life gets better and better.
And I’m not the only one.
All over the world, the number of people like me is growing, and has been for decades.
Two studies by the Pew Research Center (an American research institute) show that of all singles surveyed who do not have a romantic partner, at least half are not interested in a romantic relationship or even in dating.
More than 70 percent said they were not interested in letting go of their singleness because they enjoyed being single.
For my book Single At Heart: The Power, Freedom And Joy Of Single Life, I interviewed dozens of singles and surveyed 20,000 people.
The people I spoke to described a life full of love – a love that encompasses much more than just romantic love.
They described freedom, rewarding careers and travel, and joyfully described the liberation of refusing to live someone else’s good life and how to live a long and happy life yourself.
My message to anyone who is drawn to the single life but is made uncomfortable by the expectations and pressures of society, family, and mass media: don’t detach yourself from the single life! The risk you run is not in what you miss out on if you don’t find a romantic partner, but in what you miss out on if you do.
So, are you single at heart? Whatever your relationship status, here are five telltale signs that you’re…
1. You are happier when you are single
Single life is your happy place. That doesn’t mean you’re always happy; no one is. But it does mean that when you’ve tried being in a couple, it hasn’t felt quite right.
People who are not looking for a romantic partner are particularly happy
Many who are single at heart have told me that they have previously found The One – someone they loved and who loved them, but their lives organized around a partner did not compare to the joy and deep contentment they experience when they are alone.
People who are not looking for a romantic partner are extra happy. The more they invest in their lives, the happier they become.
2. You cherish your freedom
When I asked the single at heart what they loved about being solo, everyone mentioned freedom. They described how wonderful it is to be able to plan their daily routines exactly the way they want, from what they eat to when they sleep.
Within the limits of their means and capabilities, they can live where they want and do the work they want.
They can spend time with as many different people as they want. They have financial freedom; whether they have a lot or a little money, they decide what to do with it.
They use their freedom to be there for the people who need them and for their communities. They are all allowed to chart their own course in life and that is something they cherish.
3. You feel more sexually satisfied
The core of the single-at-heart life is authenticity. You are allowed to be who you really are, sexually and in every other way.
I’ve found that people who aren’t looking for a partner are actually more sexually satisfied than people who are.
They have their sexual freedom. They can experiment with different kinds of sex and different kinds of people, as often as they want and whenever they want. Sexual freedom is also the freedom to not worry about sex, if you just don’t care.
4. You enjoy your loneliness
Enjoying solitude is your secret superpower. Not being afraid of being alone actually protects you from feeling lonely.
You cherish the time you have for yourself. Solitude is often a time for you to relax, reflect, recharge, or be creative or spiritual. Alone, you are attuned to who you truly are. You can do whatever you want, including nothing at all, without having to endure the judgment of others.
Enjoying solitude is your secret superpower. Not being afraid of being alone actually protects you from feeling lonely.
Later in life you will not become the caricature of the sad and lonely old person. You will flourish.
Moreover, you can love solitude and also enjoy socializing. In fact, for many who are single at heart, getting their full measure of solitude makes them a better friend and companion to their friends and family.
5. You felt relieved when a romance ended
People who are single at heart, like everyone else, can feel pain when a romance ends. But often you feel something else too: relief. Even if the relationship was wonderful, even if you loved your partner and your partner loved you, a part of you felt glad it was over.
I have heard these stories over and over again in my decades of research. A gay man told me that when he was in a relationship, he daydreamed every day about being single again. A straight woman confessed that during her marriage, she often fantasized about being single and free.
Don’t let the pressure of living someone else’s version of the good life get in the way of your happy ever after. If you think you’re single at heart, accept it!
- Single At Heart: The Power, Freedom and Joy of the Single Life by Dr Bella DePaulo (Souvenir Press, £14.99)