As Philip Larkin so succinctly put it in his famous poem, parents can really mess you up. In the lottery of life, some of us are lucky enough to have only known loving, nurturing mothers and fathers, while others suffer lifelong psychological consequences of extremely poor parenting. What if you suspect your father is a narcissist? How do you recognize the telltale signs and, crucially, how do you implement effective coping strategies when you have such a toxic parent in your life?
“Their defining characteristic is a distinct lack of empathy and compassion,” says Dr. Sarah Davies, author of Raised By Narcissists. “They don’t consider the wants and needs of others. They are very focused on themselves.”
In addition to being selfish and emotionally manipulative, narcissists are also arrogant and spoiled, she adds. “They believe they are special and should be treated accordingly.” Convinced that they are superior, “narcissists also have a pathological need for attention and admiration.” All in all, “they are a mean bunch,” she says.
If your father possesses five of these characteristics used to make a clinical diagnosis, he’s probably a full-fledged narcissist. But, says Dr. Davies, a counseling psychologist and narcissism expert, narcissistic personality disorder occurs on a sliding scale (at the lowest end, he might just be very selfish). There are also two types of narcissists—overt and covert. The overt type is loud, confident, domineering. The covert is quieter, more subtle in their manipulation. “I always find the covert more sinister,” she warns.
Either way, as their child, you will be deeply affected in ways that often persist into adulthood. The respect of a narcissistic father is highly conditional. “Children of narcissistic parents learn how to behave in order to survive,” says Dr. Davies. Here, she explains the traits that suggest your father is a narcissist—as well as how to best manage him.
Dr. Sarah Davies, author of Raised by Narcissists
He keeps insisting you’re the best – and then sabotages your success
Narcissists are often obsessed with appearance, status, power, and wealth. He will criticize and judge your appearance if he doesn’t like it. A narcissistic father would have demanded that you get straight A’s in school and be the best player on your sports team. He will have no respect for your choices or interests. Too bad if you want to be an artist, but he wanted you to study law. And yet, narcissists can be very jealous. So instead of being happy for you, he may try to sabotage you, your relationship, or your career.
He has no paternal instinct
A narcissistic father does not understand age-appropriate parenting. He sees you as an extension of himself. So if you remember him offering you an alcoholic drink or a puff of his cigarette at a party as a child, those are red flags. There are many forms of neglect, and this is one of them. He also does not respect your feelings or boundaries. Some of my clients have told me that their fathers would barge into their bedroom whenever he felt like it. I have even heard of fathers who actually opened their child’s bedroom door.
He is the king of emotional manipulation
Narcissists are highly manipulative and will exploit their own children. When you were younger, he may have played you off against your siblings or other parent. You will feel like a commodity, there only to serve his needs. He may be charming. But if you don’t do or be what he wants, he will punish you – perhaps with the silent treatment. Or he will guilt you into doing what he wants. Or he may have been neglectful or distant because he is too self-absorbed.
He checks
One client was bored with soccer, but her father was obsessed with it—so she pretended to be interested, cheered on his team, and watched every game. Children learn how to please and appease others. She actually loved to dance, but she wasn’t allowed to. It was all about him. So she learned to perform. If a child doesn’t perform well, the narcissistic parent will punish him—either by ignoring him or by being furious with him. Often, the children of narcissists become people-pleasers or chameleons—excellent at changing who they are to appease others.
He lacks empathy
Truly narcissistic people do not experience empathy as we do. For this, we have to imagine how another person feels. They cannot do that. A narcissistic father will be harsh and dismissive of your feelings. If you have a headache, he has a migraine. If you are upset, you are “emotional” or “oversensitive”. You would have grown up without ever feeling understood. If your father is an extreme narcissist, he may even be sadistic and enjoy seeing you suffer.
THREE WAYS TO DEAL WITH A NARCISSISTIC FATHER
Accept that he won’t change
Change requires self-awareness, and narcissists do not have the capacity to self-reflect on their behavior, or how it affects you. In order to reform, they need to feel bad about how they acted. They feel no remorse or shame. It is really important to stop holding on to the fantasy that he will become the parent you wanted and needed him to be.
Recognize narcissistic traits
This can be a powerful shift. No matter your age, acknowledging what your father does that is abusive or unhealthy allows you to psychologically distance yourself from him—and from him. When he tries to judge you, tell yourself, “Oh, he’s doing that again”—and refuse to be sucked in.
Use the ‘gray rock’ method
Don’t be tempted to react – that’s what the narcissist craves. The ‘grey rock’ method is simply not to react. Don’t show that you’re affected. If you confront him, he’ll either verbally attack you or outright deny the truth. He’ll have his own version of events, in which he’s the victim. However, you might ask – not aggressively, but curiously – ‘why are you doing that? Are you okay?’
- Raised By Narcissists by Dr Sarah Davies is published on 19th September (Profile, £14.99).