Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Arcade: Wrath of the Mutants review – Slick, colourful, shiny… and underwhelming, writes PETER HOSKIN

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Arcade: Wrath of the Mutants

(PlayStation, Xbox, Switch, PC, £24.99)

Verdict: Heroes in a quarter shell

Judgement:

The early ’90s are back, baby. Here’s a game that not only stars the decade’s favorite reptiles – if you don’t count Tony Blair and Bill Clinton – it’s also a conversion of a beat-’em-up title originally created for arcade machines.

Just throw in another 50 cents and keep fighting, retro style.

Only it’s not really a game from the nineties. The arcade game that has been converted into the long title Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Arcade: Wrath of the Mutants is from 2017.

The turtles look more modern, iPods compared to the Walkmans of their ancestors.

The whole is smooth, colorful and shiny.

The only thing that hasn’t been modernized is the gameplay.

Wrath of the Mutants is pretty much the same experience that ’90s kids got from older arcade games like Turtles in Time.

You move from screen to screen, using a limited number of attacks and jumps to defeat the bad guys, defeating a boss or two along the way.

This can be done alone or with up to three other turtle players – who should technically have different skills and special powers, although it often doesn’t feel that way.

If you were at a real arcade with friends, this might be a fun way to burn some money.

On home consoles, though, it’s just a great way to get through… what kind of hour?

The makers of Wrath of the Mutants expanded this release with new levels and enemies, but I still managed to complete it in less time than it would take to make a bowl of turtle soup.

I suppose the idea, like the original arcade cabinets, is to keep diving back into them. Playing the same pieces again.

Better. But I’m afraid this game has already run its course – and that was about 30 years ago.

Endless ocean luminous

(Nintendo Switch, £39.99)

Verdict: Endless is right…

Judgement:

Do you want to be under the sea, in an octopus garden in the shade? Well, now you – and any passing Beatles for that matter – can go there straight from your couch. Without getting wet.

Endless Ocean Luminous is all about diving.

It places you – a faceless avatar in a wet suit – in the middle of the Veiled Sea, a body of water where everyday fish rub their fins with giant sea monsters.

Your job is to catalog them all, dig up salvage sites and generally… swim around.

The swimming around is the best part of Endless Ocean Luminous. The dive locations are procedurally generated, meaning they are largely random each time.

There is something extremely calming about flying around a new location and figuring out its contours, corals and secrets.

You can even do these dives with tons of online friends, which feels a bit like a form of group meditation.

There you all sit, together but in your own separate headspace, cooing at fish and poking at sand.

However, there is the meditative and then there is the slog.

Whenever Endless Ocean Luminous actually tries to do something, like tell a story or inspire you with a quest, it’s so slow that it becomes boring.

The story is spread over hours of strange, minute-long fragments, each as uninspired as the last.

Even stranger, the game often requires you to complete tasks on the open sea before you’re even allowed to attempt the next story segment.

That might be fine, if the waters weren’t random – so you’ll often find yourself swimming in circles looking fruitlessly for what you need.

So forget it. I’m going to hang out with the octopus in that garden over there.