The TRUTH about the Taylor-Celine Grammys drama… the biggest on-stage snub… a repulsive red carpet tattoo… and most obnoxious acceptance speech: KENNEDY’s rave review of the best awards show she’s seen in years!

After the Awful Emmys, Crock of Choice Awards and Gruesome Globes, the Grammys came in to restart the music.

Sheltered from a storm-drenched LA at the Crypto.com Arena, it was a welcome evening of cathartic crescendo bliss, sizzling senoritas, bad hair and great secret poetry clubs.

Heck, it was the best awards show I’ve seen in years!

I braced myself for the annoying Trevor Noah to suck the oxygen out of the room with his pneumatic self-focus, but – the first shocking revelation of the evening – he was actually an effortlessly hilarious host, breathing life into an event that surely began with one of the worst red carpets in history. (What WAS Doja Cat – in that nipple peek-a-boo, monstrous forehead tattoo – thinking?)

Second shock reveal: Meryl Streep is Mark Ronson’s musky mother-in-law… Who would have thought?!

Unlike the bleak torture of Jo Koy’s Globes disaster, Noah didn’t succumb to stupidity, catching celebrities and dorks red-handed, even highlighting Queen Taylor’s late arrival (“as she moves around the room, the local improves economy’) and delivered a serious blow. at disaster-stricken Boeing: ‘This show is live – anything can happen. It’s like flying in a Boeing plane. One minute there’s a door there, the next minute you’re outside.’

I was prepared for the annoying Trevor Noah (pictured with Beyonce) to suck the oxygen out of the room with his pneumatic self-focus, but – the first revelation of the evening – he was actually an effortlessly hilarious host.

What was Doja Cat – in that nipple peek-a-boo, monstrous forehead tattoo – thinking?

A star-studded music medley kicked off with luscious Dua Lipa, dressed like a dominatrix Peloton instructor, dancing (yes, she can finally do that!) amid a bondagey jungle gym – a leather-clad appetizer for the even bigger night to come .

Then it was Mariah C’s turn to shake her assets, saunter to a standing O, out of the fashion faux-pas wilderness and a shocked and real lioness-coiffed Miley Cyrus out her Best Pop Solo Performance gong to reach.

It was Miley’s first win (of two); first Swift snub (of two); and second outfit (of four!).

Did she ride to the event on the hood of her car? Maybe Ed Sheeran was riding shotgun; we were told he had flown in from Taiwan especially to get it – presumably there was no time to shower.

Speaking of back from the wilderness, marching away from the silence of cancellation was Lizzo – clearly this girl is too big to fail.

The first emotional highlight of the evening – the musical equivalent of Elmo tweeting: ‘How’s everyone?’ – was a chilling duet ‘Fast Car’.

At first we only saw a hand strumming the familiar chords – but when the audience realized it was Tracy Chapman herself next to Luke Combs, it was their turn.

If Tracy had been the only blast from the past, it would have been more than enough – but we were packed with Billy Joel, Annie ‘Ceasefire’ Lennox (more on her later), Stevie Wonder with holographic Tony Bennett from beyond the grave, Joni Mithcell, Celine Dion!

The headscarf-wearing and pseudo-humble Billie Eilish won the Song of the Year award together with foxy brother Finneas for their beautiful Barbie tune ‘What Was I Made For’.

Finneas and Ferb more than deserved it, so why Billie felt the need – now on her eighth Grammy – to insist on “I’m not supposed to be here” seemed a little… plastic.

A star-studded music medley kicked off with luscious Dua Lipa, dressed like a dominatrix Peloton instructor, dancing (yes, she can finally!) amid a bondagey jungle gym – a leather-clad appetizer for the even bigger night to come .

Then it was Mariah C’s turn to shake her assets, strolling to a standing O, out of the fashion faux-pas wilderness and awarding a shocked and real lioness-coiffed Miley Cyrus her Best Pop Solo Performance gong.

I much preferred Best New Artist winner Victoria Monet’s speech, in which I first thanked the real champions of the evening: the champagne servers, who apparently spent much of their time circling Taylor’s table (was it a boneheaded performance of Celine on stage? Was it the tequila?) ?).

Despite the bubbly, Taylor – whose night was appropriately historic – knew every lyric to every song and enjoyed a karaoke concert for one… and even sang along to Olivia Rodrigo’s ‘Vampire’, which may or may not have been about her – and who may or may not doesn’t enjoy plundering Swift’s songbook.

Hey, who cares about Taylor: She has her sights set on a Super Bowl engagement, her new album, and probably the White House.

Illness-stricken Celine’s surprise appearance to present Taylor with her Album of the Year award was the lipstick icing on the sweetest cake.

“Those blessed enough to be here at the Grammy Awards should never take it for granted,” Celine said. ‘The enormous love and joy that music brings to people all over the world.’

I’m not ugly crying – you are! Really, we don’t deserve her.

It was a shame that Lennox chose to hijack the In Memoriam segment with her pro-Palestine stunt “Artists for Ceasefire, peace in the world.”

But really, we shouldn’t expect anything more worthy from this tired creeker.

Speaking of back from the wilderness, marching away from the silence of cancellation was Lizzo – clearly this girl is too big to fail.

Other shout-outs should go to:

Oprah, who put the ‘O’ in Ozempic and paid a touching tribute to Tina Turner – even as she couldn’t resist reminding viewers that she considered the late icon a ‘friend’.

And Chrissy Teigen’s cosmetic dermatologist. Was Chrissy enjoying the evening or hating it? Impossible to know – but it was the perfect poker face for when Jay-Z won the GOAT (Gross, Obnoxious And Truculent) award and made a joke at the nominees (“some of you don’t deserve to be in the category” ) and attacking the recording academy for failing to award the woman he cheated on a 33rd Grammy.

We could have done it all without breaking Travis Scott’s unnecessary chair. And yes, at almost four hours the night was half too long.

But despite all the terrible ups and tawdry downs we’ve had to endure in politics and culture lately — and even though there wasn’t a champagne server present on my couch — the Grammys were a refreshing shot of steamy star power. Waiter, I want what Taylor is eating!