Subtle signs your partner is secretly miserable

Happiness can be identified through laughter, smiles and funny conversations, but misery can be harder to recognize because people strategically mask their despair.

Fortunately, psychologists have revealed how subtle signs, such as claiming to be “too busy,” being “overly cheerful,” struggling with insomnia and more, can secretly indicate their quiet, hidden desperation.

Humans are a social species, just like our fellow primates, and a growing body of research suggests that strong community bonds are integral to our mental health and well-being.

So if you’ve heard someone you know decline too many social outings with “I’d love to, but I’m swamped” or “That sounds great, but I’m too busy with work,” then you might want to take another look other signs that they may be struggling in silence.

Experts also pointed to seemingly unrelated actions, such as skipping too many meals, extreme energy swings, painful “joking” self-criticism, self-deprecation and unexplained bouts of illness, all as signs of a lonely mental health crisis.

“Physical symptoms are common with depression,” says Dr. Madhukar Trivedi, professor of psychiatry at the University of Texas Southwest Medical School at Dallas.

“In fact, vague aches and pains are often symptoms of depression.”

Below are some of the most important subtle signs to look out for if you suspect someone you know is secretly miserable – and the science behind why they work.

1. Complaining about aches and pains

According to Dr. Trivedi, symptoms such as chronic joint pain, pain in the extremities, back pain and even gastrointestinal problems can all be signs of undiagnosed depression.

“A high percentage of patients with depression seeking treatment in primary care report only physical symptoms,” he noted an early study in the phenomenon, “which can make it very difficult to diagnose depression.”

What Dr. Trivedi discovered was that there is a deep biological link between physical pain and depression, because both are regulated by the neurotransmitters serotonin and norepinephrine.

“Physical symptoms are very common and increase the risk of relapse,” he said.

In other words, the physical symptoms of despair can linger after the psychological symptoms have subsided, sometimes sending a person back into a relapse of depression.

2.Experience fatigue or fluctuations in energy levels

A study led by King’s College London’s Institute of Psychiatry in Britain found that there was “significant overlap between fatigue and psychiatric disorders.”

However, the overlap was not perfect approximately 7.4 percent of their 201 study participants reported the emergence of fatigue with possible psychological problems, such as depression or anxiety.

In other words, while this symptom could be a subtle sign, it is not in itself the strongest signal of secret despair.

3. Act overly cheerful or give a forced smile

A 2019 review combining multiple past psychological studies in India, a link was found between suppressed emotions, unusually snobbish behavior and health problems related to depression.

“Expressing your true emotions and feelings is crucial for physical health, mental health and general well-being, while relying on concealment is a barrier to good health,” the study authors reported.

The researchers said multiple studies came to the same finding: that about 80 percent of all doctor visits were actually physical symptoms caused by underlying emotional and social problems (“social-emotional challenges”).

Only 16 percent of doctor visits were related to a physical condition of any kind.

“Continued repression causes stress to individuals who use it,” they said, which can reveal itself to friends and family in tense, pained fake smiles.

4. Skip meals or forget to eat them

While you may think of this friend or loved one who skips a meal as simply being absent-minded or busy, many unhappy people unconsciously struggle with eating because of their intense emotions.

A 2016 study published in the American Journal of Psychiatry noted that changes in appetite are common in people with depression and can result in an increase or decrease in appetite.

The study followed 48 adult volunteers between the ages of 20 and 50, divided into depressed over-eaters, depressed under-eaters and ‘control’ subjects without problems.

The researchers found parts of the brain that made the depressed participants respond differently, even to just pictures of food: the orbitofrontal cortex, the ventral striatum and the ventral pallidum.

Functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) testing has shown that the orbitofrontal cortex is key to ‘food reward’ – activating neurons related to sight, smell, taste and texture, but only when a person is hungry and the food is true.

5. Suffer from insomnia or poor sleep

‘Sleep problems often occur after a traumatic experience,’ he said psychiatrist Dr. Alex Dimitriu.

Some people experience delayed reactions to their traumatizing events, manifesting depression, fatigue, nightmares, and other sleep disturbances long after the events themselves.

‘Trauma can affect sleep architecture, meaning it can change the way the body moves through sleep cycles and phases,’ said Dr Dimitriu.

So you may want to look at other aspects of a friend, colleague, or family member’s life if they consistently report sleep problems. It could be more than the neighbor’s barking dog or too many screens before bed.

6. Isolate themselves and are ‘too busy’ to socialize

A 2020 study published in Frontiers in psychology revealed that poor work-life balance may mask lower levels of happiness.

While emotional exhaustion and unhealthy habits contribute to this decline in well-being, such as neglecting exercise and poor diet, sometimes all that work involves avoiding difficult emotions outside the office.

If you notice this trend in someone you know, it’s important to encourage breaks and self-care. Perhaps suggest a day off to recharge or a fun activity to help them regain their balance and change their outlook.

7. Make painful “funny” self-criticisms

False modesty can have real consequences, according to research in the Journal of Affective Disorders.

A team from Central China Normal University found that there was a strong link between such self-deprecation and negative psychological outcomes, as discovered in a study of 5,503 Chinese youth between the ages of 15 and 29.

A related research from 2016 found that there was a link between self-doubt, “imposter syndrome” and other mental states that lead to self-deprecation and “anxiety, depression, [and] psychological problems.’