Steven Bartlett speaks to psychologist who reveals the three tell-tale signs you’re dating a narcissist

A psychologist has revealed the three telltale signs you could be in a narcissistic relationship.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, professor of psychology at California State University, appeared on Dragons’ Den star Steven Bartlett’s The Diary of a CEO podcast and revealed the three R’s that she claimed are the defining characteristics of people in a narcissistic relationship .

Dr. Durvasula, author of Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist, said these are “ruminations, regrets and memories.”

She said: ‘The first is rumination, which is obsessively thinking about the relationship, initially in an attempt to resolve it. Trying to give meaning to something that doesn’t make sense.

“The next thing is regret, that regret leads to bigger themes of sadness. The regret that: “This is the marriage I created and my child will never have a healthy marriage model, the regret that: “I spent twenty years in this relationship and all I have to show for it is a lot nothing and it is harmful to me.”

She continued, “The last R is memory, really euphoric memory, which means that people in narcissistic relationships have an uncanny ability to pick out the good things that happen in the relationship and keep justifying it to themselves.

‘They could be in a narcissistic relationship if the person has treated them shamelessly for months. But one day that month, when the narcissist went to the grocery store and first thought about bringing two muffins so you could have one, the person said, “Wasn’t that the best thing?” We ate muffins together.”

“The euphoric memory is the excessive focus on those good experiences as a way to maintain confirmation bias.”

She added: ‘People in narcissistic relationships don’t say ‘I need to get out’, they say ‘I’m so messed up, I’m not enough, nothing I do is ever enough, maybe there’s something wrong with me ‘. ‘

The psychologist explained that It’s only been in the past decade that people dating narcissists have been able to get information online, sparking a revolution of people questioning their relationship dynamics.

She added: ‘The sooner you recognize it, the less trauma you will attach to it, making it easier for you to make clear decisions about how to move forward.

‘People in these relationships are confused, they blame themselves for everything that goes wrong, they walk on eggshells.

“They’ve essentially adapted themselves to be exactly what the narcissistic partner wants, but it’s a very slow process of indoctrination. We say these relationships mean death by a thousand cuts.

“It’s almost like they wake up one day and say, ‘What have I become, I literally live in service to this other person.’

She also suggested that the narcissist creates that insecurity as a tactic to control the relationship.

She added, “Part of the reason narcissistic people are so successful is because they are socially observant. That is being able to read the room, understand what people need, what drives them, and then strategically give that to them to keep them engaged.”

Then Dr. suggested. Ramani that all domestic abusers are narcissistic because they lack empathy.

She explained: ‘Having the ability to say ‘I love you’ to someone and then abuse them emotionally, physically or sexually, no empathy, it’s a huge entitlement and incredible arrogance, that’s narcissism.

“There’s a lack of self-awareness, there’s a lack of awareness of the other person and I think that’s why so many domestic violence intervention programs don’t work, because they can undo someone’s narcissism.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula revealed the three signs of a narcissistic relationship

‘Is narcissism an excuse for the behavior? Never. If the behavior is unacceptable, then it is unacceptable. I don’t care about the backstory because it means it will happen again, and it always will.”

The psychologist noted that while people can never be happy in a narcissistic relationship, those who do stay in them have a need to “accept” things that will never change.

She explained, “If you stay in a relationship like this, it will become more difficult because you will still be exposed to their manipulative behavior. However, the most important step is radical acceptance, it will not change.’

Dr. Durvasula said that the only weak point of a narcissistic person is when others stop interacting with him or when someone else is much “more powerful than himself.”

She explained: ‘Not dealing with a narcissistic person is the ultimate kryptonite and not oohing and ahhing over them because that’s what they’re used to.’

Finally, the psychologist explained that people can recover and “heal” from narcissistic relationships and “come back to themselves.”