Stanford-backed approach to arguments that will make you happier in your relationship
A Stanford-backed model used to resolve business conflicts could also be the key to saving your relationship.
Professors at the Ivy League school teach students about the “Pinch-Crunch Theory,” which says people should address small problems before they become hostile.
But the framework can also be used outside the classroom to help couples communicate through minor conflicts.
‘Pinches’ are minor annoyances, like your partner forgetting to take out the trash or regularly canceling plans at the last minute, but experts suggest people deal with the little irritations before they turn into ‘crunches’ that can end relationships.
Stanford University uses a specific framework to teach business students how to deal with obstacles. However, the advice could be used by couples to save their relationship
The Pinch-Crunch theory states that it is better to talk about bottlenecks and solve them as they arise, rather than turning them into a bottleneck.
It was first developed by psychologists John J. Sherwood and John C. Glidewell in the early 1970s.
Today, students at Stanford’s Graduate School of Business learn to use this theory to help them navigate professional relationships.
But the theory applies to all types of relationships and can be especially beneficial for romantic partners.
People tend to avoid addressing sticking points because they don’t want to create conflict in their relationship.
Sometimes it’s okay to let go of sticking points, especially if it’s a problem that will never arise again.
But the consequences of letting everything slide can be devastating to your relationship.
Harvard psychologist Olesya Luraschi recently discussed in a TikTok video about how this causes resentment to build.
“Over time, a pinch, a minor irritation, will turn into a sticking point. And a crunch is a really big annoyance, it’s like something you need time to train for,” Luraschi said in a video.
She is a Harvard graduate and psychologist who helps people improve their lives and learn more about their cognitive skills.
Crunches take a lot more skill and effort to tackle than squeezing, and not every relationship survives them.
“We don’t want to reach that point, because then relationships really suffer,” Luraschi said.
It’s much easier to address and resolve sticking points as they arise, even if it feels awkward (or even weird) to talk about the little things that irritate you in your relationship.
Plus, there are real, long-lasting benefits to discussing these small issues with your partner.
Olesya Luraschi is a Harvard graduate and psychologist. She helps people improve their lives and improve their cognitive skills
If issues are not addressed, they can build up over time and become bottlenecks: major conflicts that can end relationships
First, clearly communicating your pain points will help your partner understand how certain actions affect you.
There is a very real chance that they are not aware that what they are doing is bothering you, and they cannot change unless they are aware of the problem.
Additionally, this gives you the opportunity to better understand where the behavior comes from.
These conversations can also reveal unspoken assumptions and expectations in your relationship.
This can help you and your partner become more aligned with what is expected of each other and prevent future transgressions.
Once the problem is known and you understand why it happened, you and your partner can work together to figure out how to prevent it from happening again.
This allows you to restore and strengthen your relationship.
Finally, this process builds sustainable ‘conflict competence’ between partners, which will help them cope with future bottlenecks and even bigger problems.