A widow has revealed that telling her two daughters their father was ‘going to die’ were the ‘hardest days of my life’.
Stacey Heale, 44, from Southampton, appeared on ITV’s Lorraine this morning with presenter Ranvir Singh to discuss her new book, Now is Not the Time for Flowers: What No One Tells You About Life, Love and Loss.
Stacey, a fashion writer, lost her husband, indie band Delays frontman Greg Gilbert, to incurable bowel cancer in 2021 – he was just 44. He is survived by daughters Dali, nine, and Bay, seven.
She has since spoken openly about the rollercoaster of grief that both she and her family have endured, and she wants her book to inspire honest discussions about grief and loss.
As they sat with Ranvir, the mother of two opened up about the tumultuous moments following Greg’s cancer diagnosis on their daughter’s first birthday.
Stacey Heale has revealed that telling her two daughters that their father was ‘going to die’ were the ‘hardest days of my life’ (Pictured: Stacey in ITV’s Lorraine)
Stacey lost her husband, indie band Delays frontman Greg Gilbert, to incurable bowel cancer in 2021 – he was just 44. He is survived by daughters Dali, nine (left) and Bay, seven (right).
She said: ”When he (Gregg) died they (my daughters) were five and seven… the hardest days of my life I would say – it’s the day we had to tell them he was dying.
“When we knew, when we were told he had weeks to live, obviously we had to tell them and it’s very important how we talk to children in those spaces.
“We like to think they don’t really know what’s going on, but they do. They really know because they sense things and they need to be told what is happening in a factual way.’
The widow described her experiences dealing with grief and loss, which she said was “messy” at times.
She added: “When I was working through my husband Greg’s terminal cancer diagnosis, I was looking for stories that reflected how I was feeling – which was messy and complicated. And I didn’t find that.
“I found a lot of voices telling me in five steps what to say to someone who is grieving, or very methodical ways to get through that situation, and they didn’t reflect how I was feeling.”
She then spoke about her children’s constant “puddle jumping,” which she explained as “jumping in and out” of their emotions rather than dealing with them head-on.
In her book, she noted that children can show interest in activities such as playing outside with the neighbor or going to the park, but warned parents not to confuse this with “resilience.”
Since her husband’s death, Stacey has spoken openly about the rollercoaster of grief that both she and her family have endured
During the show, she talked about her children’s constant “puddle jumping,” which she explained as “jumping in and out” of their emotions rather than dealing with them head-on.
“I saw that with my own eyes with my own children, like I was telling them that their father is going to die,” she told Ranvir.
‘And then, literally a few minutes later, they say, “Can we go play in the garden?”
“I discovered it’s called puddle jumping, where kids just don’t have the brain power to deal with those emotions so they can jump in and out… and then they have to move on.”
Stacey also revealed the unlikely place she found solace following the aftermath of her husband’s diagnosis.
The couple first learned of Gregg’s fate on their youngest daughter, Bay’s first birthday, and Stacey would attend chemotherapy support groups while still breastfeeding.
Feeling out of place among people “in their 70s,” she turned to social media, where she found an “incredible community” of people having similar experiences.
Dame Deborah James, who was diagnosed with stage three bowel cancer at the age of 35, became ‘a good friend’ to Stacey before she passed away in 2022 aged 40.
The fashion writer, 44, from Southampton, appeared on ITV’s Lorraine this morning with presenter Ranvir Singh (left) to discuss her new book, Now is Not the Time for Flowers: What No One Tells You About Life, Love and Loss
Most notably, she discovered Dame Deborah James, who was diagnosed with stage three bowel cancer at the age of 35 and who later became ‘a great friend’ before passing away in 2022 at the age of 40.
She recalled, “I didn’t even have a social media account when he was diagnosed and I found, especially on Instagram, an incredible community of people just talking really honestly.”
‘Strangely enough, Dame Debs was the very first person I came into contact with, as she and Greg were diagnosed in the same week in 2016.’
She later said she found herself in bizarre fits of laughter when contacting funeral directors as she had ‘no idea what to say to them’, before adding that ‘we are all going to go through this’.
Stacey left her career as a fashion academic to care for her husband full-time before he passed away from colon cancer in 2021.
Her new book, Now is Not the Time for Flowers: What No One Tells You About Life, Love and Loss Hardcover, will be released March 28, 2024.