As an actress, I kissed my two-year-old daughter goodbye when I was called into work, leaving my husband to care for her in our home in Arizona. Depending on the job, I would fly to Los Angeles, Vegas or Miami.
On a normal shoot day, I’d get to the studio at 9am, jump into the hair and makeup trailer and by lunchtime I’d be filming scenes with my co-star before finishing for the day around 5pm.
Then, before my daughter went to bed, I would always Facetime her so she could say her prayers and I would kiss her goodnight. All in all, a pretty average day for a working actress mom. Maybe the only difference is that I worked as a porn star.
For me, working in porn for four years was like any other nine-to-five job: there were parts I loved, parts I hated, and I paid taxes on the money I made just like everyone else.
But I’ve never forgotten the advice a porn star – also a mother – gave me when I was starting out. “If people find out what you’re doing, you’ll want to die,” she warned. “But I promise you, in a few years, no one will care anymore.”
And she was right. When friends and family found out I was in the porn industry, it was devastating. I was dragged through the mud, told to get a real job and, worst of all, called a bad mother. My family even tried to take my daughter away from me.
But despite everything, I will never regret being a porn star. Even though I left the industry five years ago, there are honestly times when I still miss it.
So, how did I get into it in the first place? It all started nine years ago, when I worked as a dancer in a strip club. I was 22 and happily married to Max for two years. We’re both very sexed, in fact we’re swingers too, so it seemed like a logical step to talk about making couples porn together. Max contacted an agent, but he was only interested in me. Over the next few weeks I discussed the opportunity with Max and ultimately decided that we were both happy with my new job offer.
‘Emily’ Says She Loved Porn Because It ‘Liberated Another Side of Me’
When I flew to Miami for my first porn shoot, I loved filming so much, even though I messed up my lines a few times because I was so nervous. I ended up staying in Miami for three weeks.
I immediately loved the glitz and glamour, like the fuss in the makeup chair, walking the red carpet for the AVN Awards – the annual awards show for the adult film industry, also known as the Oscars of porn.
I also loved porn because it freed another side of me. My daughter was just under two when I started in the industry, so while I was a mother, wife and friend; I was now a sex goddess – my porn star persona was my alter ego.
My husband works as a mechanic and has a lot of self-esteem, so he didn’t have feelings of jealousy that other partners might have. The only emotional connection I have during sex is when I have sex with him. I completely separate my feelings at work. When I had sex with a male co-star, I felt no emotional connection at all. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it.
I’ve learned a lot about my own sexuality through making films.
But at the end of the day, shooting porn is basically: action, cut, action, cut. As one of the older actresses said to me, “If it feels right, you’re doing it wrong.”
Were there feelings of shame and conflict when I entered the industry as a mother? Absolute. I’m Spanish and it’s a very macho culture – women are expected to cook, clean and take care of the children – so it was hard for me. I was really asking myself questions and thinking, I’m a mom – should I do this?
What made it even harder was the barrage of negativity I received from my own family. I still find it difficult to talk about it.
‘Emily’ worked as a dancer in a strip club before moving into the porn industry
I hadn’t even shot my first sex scene when my secret became public.
The studio asked me to create a Twitter account (now X), since all adult film stars have one. So I opened an account under my porn star pseudonym and then posted a topless photo of myself with a female co-star. I didn’t know it at the time, but a notification went out to everyone in my contacts who also had a Twitter account. Then all hell broke loose.
My mother-in-law immediately sent a text message, which, let’s say, was not very polite, which hurt so much.
I now have four children – two boys and two girls – and my children are my life. My mother, father and sister-in-law said terrible things. Pretty much our entire family disapproved, except for two male cousins who were just intrigued by it.
A male cousin on my mother’s side of the family said, “If you were a man, the family wouldn’t give such a f*ck, but because you’re a woman, it’s frowned upon.” Especially since you’re married and have a child.’
My supportive husband stood his ground and told them all via text, “This is our life. We won’t tell any of you what to do with yours, so don’t tell us what to do with ours. Our daughter is loved and cared for, and that’s all that matters.”
Unlike my husband, I was more sensitive to judgment and criticism. A lot of that stems from my difficult childhood. My father was an alcoholic and was never really in my life as a young child. But when I was fifteen, I was sent to live with my estranged father because my mother’s new partner was causing serious problems between me and her – everything suddenly revolved around him and his family. It was really a low point in my life. I was diagnosed with depression and dropped out of school (although I did go back to get my high school diploma at age 18).
So when my family said horrible things about me making adult films, all the feelings I’d had since I was 15 came flooding back, negatively impacting my mental health. Even worse, my family tried to take my daughter away from me. They reported me to the police, but when we spoke to a social worker at the police station, she basically said, ‘You didn’t do anything wrong. What you are doing is not illegal. Kudos to you.”
There is an assumption that anyone who makes adult films must be emotionally damaged, but I disagree. I know I have issues with my parents, but my career as a porn star was my decision, with my husband’s blessing. And you know what? Some people just like a lot of sex.
A co-star once told me, “I love sex and if I can make money doing what I love while I’m still young and looking good, why not?”
It’s a valid point. If I were a doctor or a teacher, no one would blink an eye. Because I made films for adults, people felt entitled to an opinion about my life. There are also so many misconceptions about women in the industry – that we’re dirty, that we do drugs, that we’re promiscuous. It’s just not true. We need to be tested (for HIV and STDs) every two weeks, which is more than most people.
However, when I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I decided to stop making adult films. I could have made so much money while pregnant – after all, there is a demand for every kind of fetish – but I didn’t want anyone touching my belly. It was my space, my secret.
Plus, I started feeling miserable at work. My agent told me to cut and dye my hair and change my appearance – the essence of who I was. I didn’t want any of that. When I told them I was pregnant, they also said, “If you ever plan to come back, make sure you don’t get stretch marks.” I knew it was time to get out.
Now, at the age of thirty, I am a stay-at-home mom. My oldest is ten and my youngest is two. Of course I’m worried about them finding out about my past. Despite these concerns, I have started sharing my secret with close friends.
If I feel like I can trust them and that they won’t judge me, I’d rather they hear the truth from me first – that way they can ask me questions instead of making assumptions or having false information.
Usually they’re all intrigued – not angry – and asking questions like: How does it feel? Can you choose your male talent? Although some of their husbands have told them, “You can’t deal with her anymore, she will make sure you do too.”
Like I would ever encourage my friends to get into porn!
But I bet some husbands were criticizing me publicly, but they were Googling me privately. However, I tend to keep a low profile. I was recognized once when I was in a mall and asked if I was Emily* – my porn star pseudonym. I told them it was my twin sister, even though I don’t have one.
Naturally, I worry about the parents and teachers at my children’s school finding out, especially since we moved to a Bible Belt state in the southern United States where conservatism and religious beliefs are dominant. It’s inevitable that people will judge you anyway in life, but I think the judgment would be even worse here. I don’t care if people judge me, but I would hate for my past actions to affect my children in any way.
My children are raised to be very open and accepting of others, but I still worry all the time about how and when I will tell them about my porn star past.
With my oldest I wait until she is 14 or 15. She is very mature for her age and a curious child. I plan to be completely open with her and answer any questions she has.
If I say that, I would absolutely forbid her to see my films!
Ultimately, the fact that I am a porn star has nothing to do with the simple fact that I am a mother and that I love all my children very much.
A lot of people thought that because I was in porn I would become a drug addict or divorce and that my children would suffer, but in fact my children are thriving. So a few years ago I decided to participate in photographer Mary Beth Koeth’s photo series, Porn Moms (mbkoeth.com), which featured me and other moms who work in adult films. I was excited to hear from someone who wanted to share a side of the industry that no one sees, and to show that there are so many misconceptions about mothers in the industry.
I don’t regret being in porn movies at all, but I know people really want me to regret it. It’s part of my past – and I honestly admit that I miss it. But don’t worry: if you ever come to my house, it won’t be sex toys you see everywhere, just children’s toys. Being a porn star doesn’t define me – it’s just a small part of who I am.
*Names and identifying information have been changed
* As told to Lina Das