Soapwatch with JACI STEPHEN: Is Lola’s life on the line?

OSTENDERS

You always know someone’s days are numbered when one of three things happens. One, someone says, “No more secrets and lies” before they get caught in an as-yet-undisclosed whopper that brings the relationship to the ground.

Two, a character goes to Walford East with a backpack (they never come back – for every 50 people who ever went up those stairs, only one came down). And three, a couple declares that they will be ‘togevver forrevvver’ and ’nuffing’s gonna tear them apart again’.

The latter is where Lola and Jay are, after their newfound declarations of love come to a halt when Lola collapses with an attack. There’s bad news at the hospital when a CT scan reveals she has a tumor that could be cancer.

Well, it was too much to hope that Jay would get a storyline that made him smile more than once a year. Walford residents should start giving us tips on how to get an ambulance to arrive in record time and then miraculously find an empty hospital bed too.

Whitney is shocked to find Finlay and Felix there when she gets home, but she wastes no time flirting with Finlay. Run mate, this woman is the Hannibal Lecter of dating.

Once she gets her teeth into you, she’ll never let you go and you’ll end up dead or suicidal. Fortunately, her affection is short-lived, for reasons you’ll discover, but it’s highly unusual.

Normally, nothing less than a man strangling a puppy would be enough to deter her.

The Panesars – a glorious addition to the Square – continue their family feud, and Kheerat makes it clear that he doesn’t trust Nish. Kheerat’s day doesn’t get any better when Stacey pours a drink on him for lying to Lily that Nugget has feelings for her.

He escaped lightly. If she had thrown one of Stacey’s Baps at him, he would have been cold. They should use those things for skeet shooting.

KROONSTREET

Eileen (pictured) takes a hard hit after storming out of her house with pumpkins when she catches Glenda treating her house like a wood carving workshop

Of all the things to fear as you approach Halloween, tripping over a pumpkin on the street isn’t high on the scare list. That’s the fate that awaits Eileen, though, who’s furious that Glenda is treating her house like a pumpkin carving shop (it’s been worse, Eileen: a pumpkin carver is a few steps down from housing a serial killer).

She runs down the street with the pumpkins, falls after colliding with Gail and knocks herself out. George and Sean are in for a shock when she awakens strangely cool and pleasant.

Her friendly demeanor grows increasingly scary for George (and a lot has to be done to scare a funeral director) after she declares she’s caught a glimpse of heaven, complete with a bright light, sweet scent, and strange music.

That at least makes it dead proof that she didn’t accidentally fall into the Rovers. However, what is the real reason for her strange behavior?

On the anniversary of Sinead’s death, Daniel shows up with the Rovers and tells Daisy that he likes living together. But is Daisy ready, especially when Bertie calls her “Mommy”?

Wait a minute… Can Bertie say just one word? Maybe it’s because he hasn’t been fed for two years; I assumed he had been kidnapped and Daniel hadn’t noticed.

EMMERDALE

Did Paddy smell a rat? (Well, he’s a vet!)

Paddy becomes suspicious of Chas (pictured) and starts smelling a rat in Emmerdale, despite thinking she’s covered her tracks

You’d think one of the things Chas might have done while hiding in the hotel spa a few weeks ago was getting her hair done. But no.

She is still walking through the village and looks as if she was not only dragged back by a hedge, but also took half of Dalby Forest with her. Was the person who ironed her and Al’s robes but hired them to work the same magic on her hair.

After successfully maneuvering Aaron into deciding to leave the village, Chas covers her tracks as Paddy lets out his grief. However, he is clearly starting to smell a rat – which as a vet he should be doing damn well.

Meanwhile, Al tries to curb Kerry’s enthusiasm to move forward with their wedding plans.

Um, haven’t we been here before with Al, when both Priya and Debbie found out he was cheating on them both? Change the entry.

Hot on the hooves of the horse Kim carried to her wedding, two more arrived, this time carrying Liv and Faith’s coffins. Talk about a show that gets a good gallop for its money.

Mack, meanwhile, worries that the news of his own howling will come out if he sees Chloe talking to Charity. Unaware that Chloe is pregnant (when will these girls get contraception advice?), Kerry tries to stop her from leaving – with a bomb of her own.