SAUCY SECRETS: My situationship won’t commit but whinges when I see other men. Then he did something VERY weird when I was on a date…

Dear Jana,

My best friend recently confided to me that she had the best sex of her life with her new boyfriend, and now I’m weirdly jealous. Not because I like her boyfriend, but because of how confident and comfortable she is in her sexuality now.

I feel like my partner and I are just fumbling through it in comparison. How can I stop comparing myself and actually enjoy the sex I have?

Anonymously.

Dear anonymous,

Okay, pull up a chair and let me tell you something about sex and self-confidence: Everyone looks like they know what they’re doing… until the lights come on. Trust me, even your best friend’s “mind-blowing” escapades probably involve an awkward elbow in the face or the occasional “oops, wrong place!” moment. It’s just part of the magic!

Do you think porn is filmed in one take? No. There’s enough of, ‘Okay, let’s do that again.’ And why do you think there are sex coordinators on Hollywood movie sets? Because making sex look, well, sexy sometimes is a full-time job.

Plus, I think sex is a bit like Instagram: you only brag about your best moments. Ask her what it’s like when her guy suffers from the ‘man flu’ or after a few too many beers. No one can perform like a stallion all the time.

So I’ll be blunt: your head is in the wrong place (or should I say the wrong bedroom). Instead of worrying about what’s going on in your boyfriend’s boudoir, focus on making yours the sexiest, happiest place it can be. Do you spray yourself with perfume? Do you light candles? Have you both remembered to brush your teeth? Even the littlest things can help set the ‘mood’ for a raunchy good time.

Moreover, sex starts outside the bedroom. Why not share your fantasies or ask about theirs? You can always laugh when you’re uncomfortable, but the more you talk about it, the easier it becomes.

And here’s my cheeky challenge: pick something that feels a little wild (to you) and give it a try. Maybe it’s a new position, some provocative lingerie, or a bit of ‘adult’ shopping. Whatever it is, make sure it’s about your pleasure, not someone else’s highs.

Improve your playing and get your groove back.

Dear Jana,

I hate my best friend’s partner. He’s lazy, unmotivated and a total drain on her. She’s funny, gorgeous, smart and hard-working, while he does absolutely nothing. He’s been ‘looking for a job’ for a year, but we all know he’s not even trying.

She’s the one paying the rent, bills and everything in between, while he’s making excuses. I’ve tried dropping hints, joking, and even being blunt about the fact that she deserves better, but she brushes me off with excuses like, “He’s going through a rough patch,” or, “He’ll change.”

Change? He hasn’t lifted a finger since the day I met him.

The last straw was when she told me she was considering using her savings to buy him a car so he could start looking for a job. A car! For someone who can’t even commit to helping her around the house. How do I get her to wake up and see what everyone else sees, that she is carrying this man and it will only drag her down?

She’s amazing and could do so much better than this. I’m at my wits end.

Kate.

Dear Kate,

If only we could choose who our best friends would end up with. Unfortunately (and sometimes fortunately) we don’t all have the same taste. But believe me, I feel your frustration. Your girlfriend is clearly a catch, and it sounds like she’s dating, well, a loser.

So let’s address this “rough patch” excuse. A rough patch is a bad week at work, not a year-long siesta into adulthood. And I haven’t even mentioned the car yet. A car to look for a job? Oh, please. Unless he’s looking for a job in the middle of the desert, the man doesn’t need a car. Instead, he needs a reality check.

Your friend doesn’t get off the undisputed level. She enables his lazy, BS behavior.

I get it, love makes us blind, deaf, and (apparently) willing to finance a man-child’s extended gap year. Been there, done that. But here’s the honest truth: she won’t wake up until she’s ready. If I had a dollar for the number of times my friends told me to dump a certain loser, I could have bought a house in Sydney by now.

But you did your part by being honest, and that’s all you can do without becoming the bad guy. Because that’s what will happen.

So here’s the plan: instead of wasting your energy on him, pour it into her. Be her cheerleader, remind her of her genius, and subtly drop nuggets like, “You deserve someone who matches your ambition!” Eventually she will put it together.

And I wouldn’t be doing my due diligence if I didn’t offer at least one slightly toxic piece of advice: If all else fails, maybe “accidentally” introduce her to a guy who has his life together. Sometimes a girl just needs to see what’s out there to realize she settled for leftovers. Throw some gorgeous, successful men at her and see how it turns out.

Just saying…

Dear Jana,

This guy and I started dating casually about six months ago, and at first I was okay with it. No obligations, no drama. But then the lines started to blur. He started staying over more often, texting me all day, and even started introducing me to his friends. You know, boyfriend stuff.

He even tells me that sex with other people is not a ‘big deal’ and that we are both free in that. His exact words were: ‘We’re just having fun, no need to complicate it.’ Except… every time I mention I’m going on a date or matched with a guy on a dating app, he gets all weirded out. Suddenly he’s texting me nonstop like a jealous boyfriend, asking questions like, “What do they do for a living?” or “Do you think they’re hotter than me?”

Last week I casually mentioned a second date I had planned, and he came to my apartment with takeout ‘just because’. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone eat Thai food so passive-aggressively.

I’m stuck in this bizarre limbo where he doesn’t want to commit, but he also doesn’t want me to find someone else. And whenever I bring this up, I feel like it’s either going to be a fight or he’s going to pull away completely, and I don’t know if I’m ready to lose him yet.

How can I address this double standard without blowing the whole thing up? Or am I just holding on to something that is already doomed? Please help – I can’t keep eating emotionally charged pad thai.

Sonja

Oh girl,

Let me get this straight…he wants the perks for his girlfriend (sleepovers, daily texts, meeting his friends) but no responsibility? And now he’s using Thai food to mark his territory? Not today, Satan!

This guy is playing the oldest game in the “I’m not ready to commit” playbook: he keeps you on the hook just enough to keep you from swimming away, but not enough to give you what you deserve. It’s called breadcrumbing, Sonia, and you are worth so much more than that!

So buckle up, because it’s time to put on your big girl panties and call his bluff, and I promise it doesn’t have to be a drama fest. The next time he starts the passive-aggressive pad thai routine, give him this:

“Hey, I noticed you get weird when I talk about seeing other people, but you made it clear that we’re just having fun. I’m confused. What exactly are we doing here?’

Direct, honest and straight to the point. Plus, it shows that you have enough confidence and self-respect to ask – and for the right man, that’s sexy!

The point is that men will push the boundaries as far as possible before they actually commit. It’s a test. And you let him win.

By asking him, the ball is directly in his court. If he panics, it’s on him, not you. If he suddenly realizes he can’t live without you, great. But if he remains in this strange limbo where he wants you but won’t commit, then you have your answer.

And here’s a cold, hard fact: If he doesn’t stand up, someone else will. Don’t let this man clip your wings while he sits on the fence. You deserve someone who wants you, and only you, without playing these childish games.

Oh, and if you’re afraid of losing him, remember this: letting go of the wrong person makes room for the right one. Trust me, I found that out the hard way. Oh, the years I waited for that particular man who blew hot and cold. If I could go back in time and give myself a little sanity, I would. So maybe do as I say, and not as I have done. No more time wasters standing in the way of us meeting our partner.

You got this!

Do you have a challenging dilemma you need to answer? Email me: jana.hocking@mailonline.com