Signs you’re a people pleaser – and why psychologists say it could be harming your health

If you find it difficult to say no or have trouble articulating your own needs, it might be time to put yourself first.

At first glance, people-pleasing may not sound like a negative trait. Isn’t it just being a little too nice and saying yes to everyone?

But therapists warn that people pleasing can damage their emotional and mental health – and it can happen so unconsciously and automatically that you may not even realize you’re one of them.

Selena Gomez has previously revealed that she was a ‘people pleaser’ until she had a ‘big moment’ where she ‘stopped caring’.

Meanwhile I’m a Celeb star Sam Thompson described himself as a ‘people pleaser’ with the ‘backbone of a fish’ in the days before he entered the jungle.

‘People pleasers are kind and caring, so on the face of it it’s not a problematic behavioral trait. It can give the impression of being sweet and generous at heart,” says BACP (British Association for Counseling and Psychotherapy) therapist Dee Johnson.

But always pleasing others comes at a cost, usually to yourself.

What are the signs that you are a people pleaser?

There are different types of people-pleasers. Commonly known as ‘the yes person’, while others may be more of a ‘caregiver’ – preoccupied with the needs of others and wanting to help – and someone who is more of a ‘chameleon’, ignoring their own feelings to fit in with others .

Apart from the usual sign of constantly saying ‘yes’ to the ideas, plans and wishes of others, Johnson says that many people pleasers ‘will never really express their own needs or ideas’ – whether that’s at work, at home, with friends or in relationships.

‘They are not naturally assertive, appear friendly and are always ‘happy to do what other people want’, and often come across as very easy-going. But what’s really happening is that they are putting everyone else ahead of themselves (or not at all) and in doing so they are completely undermining themselves,” says Johnson.

Also notice whether you say ‘sorry’ more often than ‘no’. “Sorry” is an easy word for people-pleasers, while “no” is rarely in their vocabulary.” You can even excuse the behavior of others if you don’t have to.

Being chronically indecisive can also be a sign that you are not used to listening to your own wants and needs because you focus so much on other people.

Where is it from?

It is most likely an unconscious schematic response, which you learned as a coping mechanism from a past experience (often, but not always, in childhood).

Johnson says, “Growing up in a household or in relationships where obedience, kindness, and keeping the peace make life easier” can lead a person to continue these patterns into adulthood or in other relationships. ‘When we learn safety or protective behavior, we tend to want to repeat it over and over again.’

Having an overbearing parent, whose needs and opinions come across as more important than those of the child, can also cause a person to struggle later in life.

In more extreme cases, some may have only received love or recognition from adhering to the needs and desires of others – ‘so they learn to feel validated by this and to feel like they just have to keep giving’, Johnson adds.

‘Having your belief system shaped by experiencing that love, care and safety are purely conditional and push a person to negate their own needs.’

What is the long-term damage?

“People pleasers rarely share their problems, worries and concerns – of course not, because as a people pleaser it’s never about you, you wouldn’t want to upset or put anyone down and you fear rejection and invalidation,” Johnson notes.

“As we know all too well, suppressing our emotions leads to emotional and physical problems, (including) long-term anxiety, depression and disproportionate fear-based responses.”

By pleasing others before yourself, you continue to “entrench the internal belief that you are not worthy or lovable,” she explains.

Never setting boundaries with other people can leave you feeling isolated and misunderstood. “You give people permission to step on you, but inside you feel hurt and rejected, angry and unheard,” she says.

“But because no one knows who you really are and what you really need, people will have no idea they’re upsetting you.”

“(Other) people may be so afraid of rejection that they become focused on how others feel and lose the ability to face or even know their own feelings,” Johnson continues.

It can make you unconsciously drawn to people and relationships that don’t take your needs into account as much – because it feels familiar.

To avoid “burdening” other people with your inner emotions – as people pleasers try to avoid – some people try to find ways of coping that are harmful to them, such as addictions, according to Johnson.

How to stop people from pleasing

It can be hard to recognize people who like you in yourself – and it can even be hard to admit it’s a pattern when it comes from a place of pain.

“It’s important to remember that it’s not your fault, as people pleasers take on self-blame and shame very easily,” says Johnson. ‘If your people’s pleasant behavior came from a painful situation, try to recognize that this was a coping strategy and that sometimes we have no choice, so be proud and grateful to yourself that you found a way to survive and give yourself permission to allow that. go, for it no longer serves you well.”

Work on your self-talk first (which can be easier said than done) and any time you notice that your self-talk is negative, try switching it up.

“Stop asking permission for things you don’t need to ask permission for,” Johnson suggests. Realize that you have agency and do not constantly need the opinion or approval of others. At the same time, if you need help, ask for it. “This may be a shock to those around you,” Johnson notes, because it will be a change in the patterns others are used to and may be used to.

Define borders. “Start saying no to things that feel uncomfortable, or cause stress or discomfort,” she adds. “The great thing about someone reacting negatively to your boundary is that it proves its necessity – so don’t give in and people please just because they didn’t like it.”

Practice being more assertive – which can be scary at first. “This doesn’t mean you have to be aggressive and forceful,” says Johnson. “A perfect example is saying where you would like to go to dinner, as opposed to the usual people-pleaser response: that you would like to go wherever they want.”

For chronic apologizers, she recommends an “sorry jar,” such as a curse jar. ‘Note and correct every occurrence of the word sorry, even though it is not necessary (saying sorry).’

If you can afford it, speaking with a therapist who works with behavioral traits, childhood trauma, and low self-esteem can help you better understand yourself and take control.

Dee Johnson is working on BACP’s latest campaign, RAISE, which aims to raise awareness of men’s mental health and when to seek help.