Suffered through another awful Christmas? Psychologist reveals the red-flag signs you should go ‘no contact’ with your adult children

They’re two words every parent dreads hearing from their adult children: “no contact.”

It’s the buzzword used by 20- and 30-somethings to describe their silence about their parents, usually after sending a “goodbye letter” outlining their grievances.

These days, it seems like everyone knows at least one person whose children no longer talk to them “for mental health reasons.”

Some blame social media for this alarming and unprecedented trend; Others have suggested that millennials – the so-called “therapy generation” – are being urged by mental health professionals to completely shut down their families.

But what is less often talked about are parents who feel like they have no choice but to cut ties with their adult children.

Most would struggle to understand why a parent would choose ‘no contact’ with their children. But it does happen, and these mothers and fathers usually have better reasons for choosing the path of alienation than the younger generation.

Clinical psychologist Dr Carla Marie Manly says there are three ‘deal-breaking’ behaviors that should make anyone reconsider a relationship, even with their own son or daughter.

If you’re facing any of these issues—and your attempts to handle the situation by setting clear boundaries are rebuffed—the best option may be to go “no contact.”

Physical violence

Dr. Manly, a relationship expert for 20 years, explained to FEMAIL that people who are physically violent should not be given a second chance.

This zero-tolerance approach also includes adult children. If someone raises a hand at you – and doesn’t understand what they did was wrong – your walls should go up immediately.

If your child is over 18, you should call the police – no ifs, no buts. For younger children, a gentler response may be warranted, but be prepared to call the police if things escalate.

‘It is normal for children aged two or three to hit their parents to learn boundaries. But after that, it’s no longer appropriate,” she said.

‘If you see a pattern where a child behaves in this way, it is abnormal and your child should go to a psychologist for help. They need to find out if there is something wrong neurologically. If they don’t regulate, they need to learn how to do so.’

For a child or teen who is not usually violent but, for example, “hits you out of the blue” in a fit of anger, a firm conversation can help.

“You need to tell them that we have a friendly, safe household and that we will not tolerate abuse,” Dr Manly said.

“You can sit them down and say, ‘Look, you’ve never done this before, but this is not OK.’ Ask how they are doing, see if anything is happening in their lives, but emphasize that this is never an excuse for violent behavior.

‘If they don’t take it seriously, you have to be prepared to make the call. If they continue to threaten, it is time to contact the police.

‘The first time a child older than, for example, eight to ten years old is violent, you really have to emphasize that this is inappropriate. The next time it happens, the police should be involved.”

For example, if your 30-year-old child hits you or endangers your physical safety, you have no choice but to go to the police immediately: they are old enough to understand the concept of abuse and domestic violence.

Calling the police does not always have to mean the end of the relationship. You can say that you want to be there for them. Maybe they’ve lost their job or are in the middle of a divorce; you can sympathize without condoning the behavior.

But safety must always be the priority, and this means contact may need to be limited – perhaps to just phone calls or social gatherings – until they earn back your trust.

Property damage and threats of physical violence fall into the same category, says Dr. Manly. People should not give their children endless opportunities if they damage the house or its contents or threaten to hurt others under the same roof.

Emotional abuse

Emotionally abusive people should be treated with extreme caution, explains Dr. Manly. Firm boundaries must be established and respected, otherwise the relationship simply cannot continue.

Parents should not be expected to tolerate their children calling them nasty names, belittling them, or emotionally blackmailing them when they don’t get their way.

Adult children also need to realize that excuses without action are necessary are just another form of manipulation.

“People who threaten your relationship by saying things like, ‘I won’t talk to you unless…’ or, ‘I won’t love you unless…’ – that’s an unsafe situation,” Dr Manly said .

Threatening to deny access to grandchildren can also fall into this category.

A relationship isn’t necessarily doomed if these themes are present, but there is a lot of work to be done and it starts with making it clear that you don’t accept the behavior.

When faced with this type of emotional abuse, the best course of action may be to take a time out in the relationship so that you can feel safe and the other person can understand why their behavior was wrong..

Repeat to your child what they just said to you and explain why they are being emotionally abusive. Tell them you are taking a time out and say you will reconnect in a month.

Financial abuse

Borrowing money all the time is one thing, never paying it back is another – and making unsolicited withdrawals is something completely different.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a $20 bill taken from “mom’s purse” or if you secretly use the family credit card, if you have reasonable grounds to suspect that your adult child steals from you, it’s another time to set strong boundaries.

If your child refuses, you may have no choice but to have “no contact.” However, a first step may be to simply ban them from your home.

“If they are adult children, you may want to let them know that they can no longer come to your home,” Dr. Manly said.

“It would be fine to do that. You can let them know that you would like to continue the relationship in a controlled environment, but that you don’t feel safe having them in your home right now.”

Dr. Manly says it’s important to talk to your adult children to understand what’s going on in their lives, because stealing money can be a sign of unsavory activity.

Alternatively, if they are younger children still living in the house, a robust discussion about fairness is needed.

While not as serious as theft, a family member who continually borrows money without paying anything back is also a cause for concern.

Agreements are crucial when it comes to borrowing money. As a parent, you can tell your child that you realize that you have not made clear agreements about repayment in the past, but that it starts today.

They may be angry at first, and that’s fine as long as they respond in a safe manner. But you shouldn’t push your boundaries to make them happy. Just explain that they can’t borrow more money until their debts are paid off, and stick with it.

You can say, “I see you’re angry, but I’m paying attention to my financial well-being and boundaries.”

If your child continues to ignore these boundaries and pester you for money, you will need to think about creating an ironclad no-lending rule.

Dr. Carla Marie Manly is an attachment expert and psychologist and author of The Joy of Imperfect Love: The Art of Creating Healthy, Securely Attached Relationships.

She has been working as a psychologist for twenty years, has written four books and presents the podcast Imperfect Love.