Seven signs your partner fancies your friend: I’m a relationship counselor and this is how to spot a harmless crush that could escalate

It’s completely normal for the man in your life to find your friends attractive – and it’s just as acceptable for you to secretly fall in love with the other men in his life.

But as a psychotherapist and relationship counselor, I have worked with many couples who have discovered that a seemingly innocent crush has escalated to create tension and conflict and even led to affairs and new relationships that ended their marriage. My advice is to keep an open mind and trust the bonds that brought you and your partner together in the first place.

However, pay close attention to your instincts and if some aspect of your relationship has changed or isn’t feeling right, and you suspect that your partner’s feelings for one of your friends are growing stronger, look for these signs that things are getting out of hand of control – and find out what you can do about it…

He starts criticizing her

Note repeated mentions of her name, even in a negative context. She listed her annoying habits and exclaimed with mock irritation, “Can you believe what she’s doing?” could indicate that temptation is coming. The ‘tell’ is a disproportionate realization that seemingly comes out of nowhere and his temptation to tell stories about her with hyper-charged detail could be a sign that he is becoming obsessed.

She lights up his world

A polite and pleasant attitude towards your friends does not mean that your partner cherishes fruity fantasies, but pay attention to extremes: one moment he is absent and distant, but then he lights up with giddy excitement when she enters the room? You might have a problem.

He plays the hero

A partner or spouse’s job is to pay more attention to you than anyone else, so red flags start waving if he becomes super helpful around a friend, steps in to save her from disaster and has an all-around comes up with a solution to a potentially difficult problem. life issue. Huffing and puffing about helping your friends can be a really good thing sometimes!

If he starts working harder at the gym or is very proud of a new haircut, this could be a sign that he wants to show off to someone he wants to notice

Make plans when you are not free

Keep an eye on social plans if you’re busy or engaged. You can blame it on coincidence once or twice, but if their meetings (even in a group) always take place without you, you may have reason to be suspicious.

He shows empathy

If he likes one of your friends, he may try to disguise his attention but unwittingly express empathy for her when she has problems. This may show that he is losing perspective. Beware of scenarios where he is relatively unsympathetic.

Makes his act smarter

This one is a cliché for good reason. If he starts working harder at the gym or is very proud of a new haircut, you might wonder who he’s dressing up as. It could be vanity or a sign that he wants to show off and there could be someone in mind that he wants to draw attention to. Inspiration and motivation are so often accompanied by falling in love.

He gets grumpy

If he has a serious crush on one of your friends, he may experience withdrawal symptoms from being away from her and may take out his frustration on you. Trigger phrases include: “She’s so easy-going, why can’t you be more relaxed?” or “It doesn’t hurt to dress up sometimes.” Comparisons could be a sign that he is starting to idealize her.

…This is what you need to do

Even if you notice these signs, it’s just a hunch, so it would be a mistake to assume you know how this will turn out. My advice is to stay alert, but wait to see if something happens. Your best move is to bide your time and, if something is going on, allow them to reveal themselves and expose their betrayal.

Charlotte Fox Weber

As told to Louise Atkinson @charlottefoxweberpsychotherapy