SAUCY SECRETS: I thought I had the perfect husband – then I looked over his shoulder and spotted something so shocking I refuse to believe it’s true

Dear Jana,

Over the past year, my Instagram following has grown significantly, from around 1,000 to over 150,000. As a background, I have lost a significant amount of weight and now share inspiring content with my followers. However, over the past few months, I have been targeted by multiple troll accounts who have made negative comments about my weight loss and physical appearance.

My husband has been supportive throughout this journey, but I’m starting to suspect he’s behind some of these troll accounts. He’s always said he’s proud of me, but I sometimes feel like he’s jealous of my success, especially since he’s carrying a little extra weight himself. He’s always saying he liked me better when I had more “meat on my bones” and stuff like that.

I was looking over his shoulder the other day when he was on Instagram and I saw that he had more than one account. So later that day I jokingly said to him, “You’re not the one trolling me are you?” and he laughed and said “no,” but I also saw that he was doing this nervous twitch that he gets when he lies.

The trolling stopped after I questioned him, which only fueled my suspicions. How can I determine if my husband is behind these hateful comments without causing further conflict or losing my mind?

Anonymously

Dear anonymous,

Let me just say… Oh. My. God. Pause while I pour myself a big glass of wine for this one. You’ve presented quite a dilemma.

Okay, now that I’m a little excited, let’s get started…

Do I think your guy is the troll? Yeah, yeah, I think so. For a few reasons. 1. Unless he has a business Instagram account, is there any reason he would need a few extra “finsta” (fake Instagram) accounts? 2. Women are incredibly good at reading their partner’s body language, and if you notice his twitches, there’s more to it. And finally, 3. It’s a HIGH coincidence that the trolling stopped after you approached him.

Now, I don’t often condone going through your partner’s phone, but in this case I think it’s warranted. You need to channel your inner Jason Bourne and hack into this guy’s phone like it’s never been hacked before.

(Here’s a cheeky tip, go to his laptop and check out his Instagram from there. All of his accounts will come up.) Yeah, yeah, toxic, I know, but I honestly think you’re going to go crazy if you don’t get to the bottom of this.

If your man is trolling you, you need to get your act together and kick him to the curb. Make sure your finances and living situation are in order before you confront him, because if he’s sneaky enough to tease you in secret, just imagine what else he’s capable of. The good news is that you’re looking hot, hot, hot, so what better time to get back on the single scene?

And who wants to be married to a troll? From my own experience, they are deeply bitter, twisted people who you don’t want in your energy field. I would happily say too-taa-loo to this man. A blessing in disguise.

Stay strong and put on your researcher hat. You can do this.

Dear Jana,

I’ve been dating this girl for a few months now, and last weekend I came over to her place a little drunk. After a wild night together, I told her I loved her, but I was just drunk and didn’t really mean it. Now she acts like we’re in a real relationship, calls me baby or bub and calls me every night. I want to keep it casual, like before. I know I messed up, but she’s a wild beast in bed. How can I easily disappoint her and make things go back to how they were?

Cheers,

Anonymously

Oh anonymous,

Like many men before you, you’ve let your doodle do the talking for your brain! Tutt tutt. Now most people would advise you to have a face-to-face conversation with her, and explain that you think she’s great, blah, blah, blah, but you’re not ready for a relationship yet.

But I’m thinking how embarrassed she’ll be if you tell her this. So, let’s do a twist.

Jana Hocking: Vanilla is a delicious milkshake flavor, but who wants that in the bedroom?

Instead of approaching her in person, I would send her a text where I casually but honestly confess to your stupid penis blunder. I would say something simple like, “Hey, I really messed up. I got so caught up in the heat of the moment that I said something I shouldn’t have: the L word. I’m an idiot, but if it’s any consolation, you’re a real firecracker and I’m really upset about it. I want to be honest with you and let you know that I’m not looking for anything serious right now and that I’d still like to do some fun stuff, but I understand if you’re looking for more. Again, I’m an idiot and I hope I didn’t upset you. Damn it, penis!”

Adding a little self-deprecating humor and a compliment about her lovemaking skills will soften the blow and give her space to dwell on your message for a moment before responding. Good Lord, you men.

Dear Jana,

I am starting to get scared of sleeping with my girlfriend. The problem is that she talks dirty during sex, especially after she has been drinking a lot. In real life she is sweet and gentle, but her bedroom manners are extremely vulgar and degrading. I have told her that I would rather take it easy, but she says that this is the only way she can make herself come. But what am I supposed to think? I just want a normal, respectful love life?

Eddy

Dear Eddie,

This woman is a gift from God. Maybe you should let her fly out of your golden cage and into the arms of a man who is just as good as she is.

I don’t want to shame you for your somewhat boring behavior, but I don’t want you to shame her either.

It sounds like she has a wonderful, dirty side that shouldn’t be silenced. So maybe you can have a discussion about finding a middle ground – leaving out the degrading stuff but keeping the dirty side. Or maybe consider that you two are not compatible.

Vanilla is a delicious milkshake flavor, but who wants that in the bedroom? My guess is: she doesn’t.