Dear Jana,
I need some advice about my loved one. He’s kind, thoughtful and, honestly, the best man I’ve ever been with. But there’s one thing that’s really starting to bother me.
Every time we have sex he stands up and takes a shower. We just had a very intimate moment, and before I know it, he’s in the bathroom, leaving me there alone.
At first I thought it was just one of his quirks: he’s a bit of a neat freak, so I figured it was his way of feeling comfortable.
But now, a year later, it’s really starting to dawn on me. I feel like he’s dismissing the moment or brushing me off. I’ve even joked about it and asked him to stay for a while, but he just says he feels “sticky” and needs to freshen up.
I know he had a hard time with his ex who cheated on him, so maybe this is part of the way he handles intimacy. But it makes me feel like he’s keeping something from me emotionally.
Am I thinking about this too much? Or is it fair to want a little closeness after sex before running off to scrub himself clean? I recently discovered that many men do this, but it doesn’t make it any less painful.
Yours, you feel a little rejected.
Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking gives her trademark cheeky advice to readers who need help with their love life – or lack thereof
Dear, you feel a little rejected,
Oh, men and their weird sex quirks!
First, let me reassure you that your feelings are just as valid as a post-coital cuddle request. Sometimes the whole reason I enjoy sex is the feeling of intimacy afterwards as you silently high-five each other for a good performance and bask in each other’s awesomeness. The sweat is part of the magic, right?
So let’s unpack this. Your friend sounds like a neat freak. There’s nothing wrong with that, bless his hygienic heart, but the man needs to learn about the holy grail of post-sex rituals: the cuddle session.
Controversial opinion, but I think it’s just as important as a climax.
You tried to joke about it (I like your approach, by the way), but since Sir Scrub-a-Lot didn’t get the hint, it’s time for a deeper conversation. And yes, this could tie into his past relationship trauma. It’s possible that his shower dash is his way of keeping up emotional walls (a bit melodramatic, I know).
So here’s your plan: next time, instead of joking, tell him honestly how you feel. Be honest, but keep it light. “Hey, honey, when you run to the shower, I feel a little blah. I would love it if you would stay there for a while and cuddle.’
I had to have a similar conversation last year with a guy who was a FWB. He stormed off as soon as we finished our bedroom exercise and I felt like crap. So one night (admittedly, after a few margaritas) I told him.
This week, Jana helps a remorseful boyfriend who is wracked with guilt after fixing his girlfriend’s aunt’s car, only to end up in the bedroom with her.
And bless that man, now I have to scold him for staying too long! So trust me, those slightly awkward conversations work.
If he’s a keeper (and it sounds like he is), then he’ll want to meet you halfway. Maybe you can even entice him with a compromise: “Two minutes of snuggling, and I’ll let you shampoo without feeling guilty.”
And hey, if he still insists on showering, why not make it a joint venture! A little “water conservation” fun could turn his quirky post-sex habit into a bonding moment. Win-win, for you and the environment.
So no, you don’t think about it. You’re just asking for intimacy. Communicate, hug – and keep me informed!
Dear Jana
I’m a little confused. I’m 20 and have been living with my wife for about a year now. I punched above my weight and I know it.
A few months ago she asked me to help her aunt fix the carburetor on her car. Her aunt is 46 but looks great for her age and keeps herself fit and tidy.
Anyway, I stop by after work, fix the car and she buys me a beer. We end up having a bit of a session over the beers and before I know it she’s spilling her guts about how her guy did a runner.
The next minute we’re in her bedroom, and buddy, it was next level.
Now I feel like a piece of shit. My wife has no idea, and her aunt acts normal around her, but every time I see her I get a knot in my gut. What should I do?
Do I come clean and try to fix things, or do I keep my mouth shut and pretend it never happened? I love her, but I don’t know if I can handle feeling like a pile of dog poop.
Greetings, Anonymous.
Okay, anonymous.
Brace yourself, because here comes the controversial version. You’re in a moral minefield, but don’t be afraid, I’m going to help you stop blowing everything up.
To put it bluntly: keep your pie hole shut!
Confessing may seem like the noble thing to do, but is it? Let’s think about this rationally.
If you tell your girlfriend, you will not only unburden yourself, but you will also detonate a bomb that will destroy her trust, her relationship with her aunt, and probably the relationship between the two of you.
That’s a triple whammy that no one asked for. All because your dick got a little over-excited.
Keeping it a secret doesn’t mean you sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn’t happen. It’s about taking responsibility, in silence.
Do you feel like a pile of dog poop? Good. Sit with that. Use it as motivation to become a better partner. Make sure you are the friend your girlfriend deserves. Treat her so well that she wouldn’t even imagine that you could screw it up so badly.
The most important part of this ‘keep it quiet’ strategy? Cut all ties with the aunt.
No beer, no carburetors, nothing. From now on she is off limits. You crossed a line, and the only way to ensure it never happens again is to create some serious distance.
Listen, Anonymous, this is not an easy road; it requires discipline, self-awareness, and a willingness to bear the weight of your mistake without dumping it on someone else.
But sometimes the mantra “Honesty is best” creates chaos, and honestly, your girlfriend doesn’t deserve to have her world blown up because you couldn’t resist the temptation of a MILF.
So no confession. Instead, you must commit to getting better. And let this guilt be the slap in the face you needed to never screw up like that again.
Not everyone will agree with this view, but yes, relationships and life are messy. Handle with care.
Dear Jana,
I’ll be 39 in a few months, and the thought of being single at 40 makes me panic a little.
I have been with my boyfriend for about two years now. He’s a good guy, kind, stable, he makes me laugh. My friends all think I’m lucky to have him, and honestly, I know they’re right.
But the thing is… I don’t feel any fireworks.
I got married in my late twenties and things ended badly after I discovered he was cheating on me with a co-worker. Since then I’ve had a few disaster dates. I’ve dated ghosters, commitment-phobes, and a guy who “forgot” he was still married.
When my friend came over, he wanted some relief. He checks so many boxes and my family loves him. But deep down I sometimes feel like everything is going well for us.
I can’t figure out if I’m thinking about it too much because I’ve been burned before, or if I’m settling because I’m afraid of being alone. What if I let him go and never find anyone as nice as him again? What should I do if I wait for a ‘spark’ and end up regretting it?
Dan has hinted that he’s moving in together, and I’ve been avoiding the conversation because I feel so torn. He deserves someone who is all in, but I’m not sure that’s me.
Am I sabotaging something good because of my past? Or should I trust my gut and risk everything for the chance of something more?
Jess.
Oh, girl.
First, take a deep breath – we’ve all been there, and trust me, it’s annoying to feel that way.
You’ve got the guy who checks the boxes, but those pesky fireworks are nowhere to be seen. If only we could choose who we could let our hearts beat for. If that were possible, I would be married to the most gloriously kind man right now.
So let me start with kudos for acknowledging your gut feelings. That’s where the answers usually lie, but sometimes our guts get a little noisy due to past baggage and societal pressure (damn you, societal pressure! *waves fist in the air*).
Let’s take a moment to separate the two.
You’ve been through the wringer: a cheating ex-husband, and guys who had nothing to do with dating you. It’s no wonder you’ve placed stability on a pedestal.
But there’s a difference between valuing stability and settling for “fine.” In (arguably the best TV show of all time) Ted Lasso, Roy Kent gives Rebecca candid advice about her relationship:
‘You deserve someone who makes you feel like you’ve been struck by lightning. Don’t you dare settle for a fine.’
Oh, how I love this quote! It emphasizes the importance of seeking a relationship that truly excites and fulfills you, rather than settling for mediocrity. I’d rather be single than be with someone you think a little ‘meh’ about.
But I would like to add one more thing to that statement. You also deserve a love that feels like home, and not one that leaves you wondering ‘what if’ every day. Someone you can’t wait for.
That said, let’s not romanticize the spark. Fireworks fade away – that’s just simple biology. What remains when the glitter has settled is a true partnership.
You need the three important assets: trust, shared values and someone who makes you feel seen. Your partner seems to check those boxes, which is a big deal.
But let’s be honest: if you know deep down that this isn’t enough, you owe it to both of you to be honest.
Staying with someone out of fear – fear of being single at forty, fear of not liking anyone “that much” – is a one-way ticket to resentment city. And believe me, you don’t want to unpack your bags there.
Before you make any big moves (like dodging another move-in chat), have a brutally honest conversation with yourself. Are you torn because you’re afraid of what’s out there, or because you know this isn’t your eternity?
If it’s the former, opt for therapy (I highly recommend it!) or self-reflection to unpack your past wounds. If the latter, be brave enough to walk away and trust that your “right person” will show up.
Your guy deserves someone who goes all the way, and you deserve a relationship where you don’t doubt your feelings.
Sometimes the spark we’re chasing isn’t an explosion, but a slow, steady burn that feels just right. But what if this doesn’t even feel like this? Then it’s time to stop dodging and start deciding.
Good luck, Jess. Anyway, trust yourself. You’ve survived worse, and single life can actually be pretty fantastic!