SAUCY SECRETS: My little boy looks just like my best mate. My wife has always flirted with him and now I think it could’ve gone further… do I ask for proof?

Dear Jana,

I think my son might not be my son. He looks suspiciously like my best friend, they both have blonde hair and very blue eyes. I have brown eyes and almost black hair. My wife always flirted with him, but I thought it was all in good fun. Now I’m not so sure. Is it wrong to ask for a paternity test?

Jackson

Oh Jackson, this is quite a dilemma! I remember a doctor friend of mine telling me that this is WAY more common than we would think, isn’t that wild? And I dare say you’re not the first man to look at their child and wonder if their partner has been telling the truth, but let’s look at the statistics here.

A 2022 study published in “Human Reproduction” delved into data from 1,211 men seeking paternity tests in the United States. The findings showed that as many as 11% were not the biological fathers of the children they were raising.

Sassy, ​​sassy women!

I’ve always said that we don’t lie when it comes to deception. Every guy I thought was unfaithful has been. Each. Damn. Time. So I think you’re fair to question something your senses have already picked up.

However, there are some things you should consider before asking for a paternity test.

1. Do you want to know? I mean, seriously. Once the test results are in, there is no turning back. How would this affect your relationship with your son? You have to ask yourself if it’s worth it.

2. Are you willing to have an uncomfortable conversation with your wife? Because let’s face it, if your wife has been faithful, she will be extremely upset if you ask. Decide whether your need to know the truth outweighs your need to keep the family together.

If that makes you feel any better, my brother and I look nothing alike, and we are definitely related. I was born with white-blonde hair, white skin and blue eyes. My brother has dark brown hair, dark brown eyes and beautiful olive skin.

I thought it was hilarious to tell everyone at school that he was the postman’s son for a cheap laugh, until one day he cracked it and I was grounded. Excessive. It turns out that my brothers’ beautiful dark facial features come from my mother’s Tongan ancestry – and both my great-grandmother and my cousin are the same.

So before you drop a bomb on your family, maybe take a miracle down the Ancestor Avenue. You might just find the answers you’re looking for.

Dear Jana,

My boyfriend drives me crazy! He loves all these hot Instagram “models” and consistently likes their photos and leaves fire emojis under their bikini photos. Every time I bring it up he says I’m crazy, and all guys do that. He says it’s just part of being a man. It makes me feel very insecure and it feels like it’s cheating. Am I wrong, or is he being disrespectful to our relationship? Staff!

Jess

Oh Jess, he’s doing it all wrong. He should do what all the crazies on my Instagram do and make up a ‘finsta’ (which stands for a fake Instagram account) to get his daily perv.

At least once a day I get a new follow request from an account called @josephrogersmore847237 or something like that.

When I look at who else they follow, it’s just a stream of bikini-clad women. And I think to myself, ‘ahhh yeah, another married guy who doesn’t want his wife to know they’re a creep.’

To do it so publicly from his own account is a rookie mistake and just plain rude. Don’t let this man fool you into believing it’s okay. It shows very little respect for you and I think this is where the dreaded word ‘boundaries’ comes in.

Explain to him how you feel and try to find out what his intention is. Does he like everyone’s Instagram photos, or is it just the hotties? Context is important.

Listen, after all, we all have eyes. And when I finally jump into the deep end of a relationship, I’ll still drool over Jeremy Clarkson’s account (I said what I said!) But will I leave thirsty messages under his photos? No. That’s just annoying.

Dear Jana,

My boyfriend won’t stop farting in front of me. It’s the nastiest smell I’ve ever smelled. I actually told him he needs to change his diet but he says it’s his protein shakes at the gym. It really turns me off to the point that I don’t want to have sex with him. How do I get him to stop?

Lana

Lana, I think farting in the presence of anyone other than your dog should be a criminal offense. We’re talking about jail time! However, the last time I talked about my hatred of public farts, I was absolutely destroyed by men and women in the comments section.

They kept saying there’s nothing wrong with having a healthy honk in front of your loved one. “It’s completely natural,” “It’s healthier to let it out and then keep it in” blah blah blah. But I have one question for these people… Are they having sex?? Serious.

When a man I like drops one drop, I immediately think of the gross particles of poop floating through his nether regions. Ew. It makes me want to give him a toilet roll and run away. So I can understand where you’re coming from.

I think a ‘small’ threat will suffice. Let this man know in no uncertain terms: you don’t want to be put in the oven. You don’t think it’s funny to let someone rip with the windows open during a road trip.

And you certainly don’t want to discover his nutritional imbalances by the smell of his terrible pop-off. Tell him to clench those buttocks or he’ll never touch your breasts again. That should stop him quickly and smartly.

My parents were married for twenty years without a single ‘brrrrt’ being heard – and that’s just good manners.

What happened to romantic people?