Dear Jana,
I just started dating again after a long sexless marriage. Is it okay to just want to play for a while or do women expect relationships? I hear everyone talking about how common one night stands are these days, but I keep going on dates with women who want more. How do you let them know you’re just looking for a little fun without hurting their feelings? Help!
Horny and hopeless
Dear Horny-and-Hopeless,
First of all, kudos for considering women’s feelings in this new, spicy chapter. We love a thoughtful king!
It sounds like you’re looking to sow your oats for a while, and that’s perfectly normal after a long relationship. In fact, that’s why I actively avoid men in the first year of a divorce, because you guys are horny devils. But there are plenty of ‘Samanthas’ out there looking for the same thing.
The key here is to be open about your horny intentions, and dating apps can be very helpful in this scenario. (Yes, I never thought I’d be promoting dating apps, but here we are.) You can clearly state in your bio that you’re looking for something casual and not ready for a serious commitment. Apps like Tinder or Feeld, which are known for their sex-positive approach, are where you’ll want to focus your attention.
If you prefer to meet people in person, be honest but tactful. You could say something like, “I just got out of a long-term relationship and I’m not looking for a serious relationship.” This way, you’re clear about your intentions without it sounding like a rude rejection.
Jana Hocking shares her best Saucy Secrets – and signature spicy advice
Remember that not everyone is going to be interested in a casual hookup, and that’s okay. It’s about finding the right match for your current needs and being honest from the start. No love-bombing in an attempt to get your lady naked.
Good luck and enjoy your adventures. Just don’t forget the condoms – you want a good time, not an itchy one.
Dear Jana,
I have chronic IBS and it really gets in the way of dating. It always happens when I get nervous – which is every first date – and all I can focus on is holding in farts while I try to get to know the guys I’m dating. I like to think I’m pretty, with a great personality, but these nerves (and stomach rumbling) really suppress that. How do I calm my nervous system down before a date? There is a limit to how much probiotics a girl can take. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.
Stinking
Oh Stinky,
My heart goes out to you. Just a week ago I was stuck on a plane with a man who “blessed” his fellow passengers with a horrible fluff bomb every time we hit turbulence. It was torture for the nostrils!
The good news is that I have two great tips for you that have helped me in the past:
1. Exposure therapy
Yes, you want to get yourself into as many dates as possible. Just like public speaking, the more you do it, the easier it gets. So say yes to the guys you would normally say no to and treat them like cute test dummies. Take a deep breath, order a drink (one, not ten!) and watch the nerves subside. Once you realize that dates aren’t as scary as you thought, you’ll be able to get that gut under control and enjoy them.
2. Preparation
The more prepared you are, the less likely you are to panic. Plan your outfit the night before, order your Uber and write down some interesting questions to ask your date. That way, you won’t arrive in a panic and you won’t get anxious reactions. I also recommend walking to your date with calming music in your headphones. It’s the perfect way to get completely zen.
Oh, and here’s a tip a friend shared with me for a date: Tell yourself that the fear energy you’re feeling is actually excitement. You’ll be amazed at how reframing that thought can completely change your perspective.
“I’ve heard that if you want to have a conversation with a man, it’s better to do it in an environment where you don’t have to look at each other directly,” says Jana
Dear Jana,
My husband has started rejecting sex. I have tried sexy lingerie, toys, and sexting in the middle of the day to turn him on, but nothing has worked. Do you think he has lost his libido due to age? (I have heard that men decline in their 40s) or do you think he is cheating? We both lead busy lives but I am longing to feel desired again. Is there a way to save this or am I doomed?
Anonymously
Dear Anonymous,
Ah yes, a common problem. I’m going to give you a very superficial answer, and one that gives a little more insight. And you see which one suits your man.
The first answer is pretty simple. He watches too much porn. In a recent episode of Steven Bartlett’s “Diary of a CEO” podcast, he spoke to a famous Instagram personal trainer named James Smith about their masturbation and porn habits. (It was fascinating!)
They talked about how porn can interfere with their sex lives with their real-life partners. They both admitted that if they watch it too close to bedtime, they lose interest in sleeping with their partner.
They also wondered if the sheer volume of porn now available online 24/7 was causing them to lose interest in sex with their partners, knowing it wouldn’t be as good as what they were watching online. Wild.
I mean, who needs a partner when you can cum just by pressing play?
Both admitted that they took short periods of time off from porn to give their real sex lives a chance and it worked like a charm. So there might be one solution.
The second theory is that it is more likely that he is stressed or has something else on his mind than that he is cheating. It turns out that stress is the biggest killer of testosterone and libido.
So here’s a possible solution, instead of breaking out the sexy underwear, how about a date night that’s fun? Plan something completely different than usual. Maybe rock climbing or golf? I’ll never understand why men love golf, but they do. The key is to shake things up and create a fun, stress-free environment where you can both reconnect and talk openly.
Also, I’ve heard that if you want to have a conversation with a guy, it’s better to do it in a place where you don’t have to look each other in the eye. They’re not like us women who can talk about thoughts and feelings 24/7. They need to feel relaxed and not in the spotlight. So maybe you can talk to him about it during a car ride if he’s comfortable. You’re not doomed, trust me.