SAUCY SECRETS: My ‘perfect’ boyfriend did something so creepy around another woman that I can’t think straight. Are all men like this?

Dear Jana,

I have been dating my girlfriend for several months now and things are going great. Recently she asked me about my sexual history, specifically how many partners I’ve had.

I refused to answer because I was worried about how she would react to the song, but now she keeps bugging me about it.

Is it important to disclose my “body count,” and if so, how can I approach this conversation without causing tension or judgment?

I’m a reformed ‘Peter Pan’ (as you often call it), so my number is a little higher than the average guy.

Anonymously.

Dear anonymous,

This is eerie timing, because I was recently talking to a friend about this topic. We chuckled as we tried to list the guys we’d slept with.

You see, I did the opposite with you: I spent most of my twenties in relationships. So, as you can imagine, my numbers were very low.

But when I got out of my last five-year relationship, let’s just say that feeling of freedom got me into all kinds of naughtiness.

Oh, there was a time! I basically became the girl version of Peter Pan, and you know what? I have zero regrets!

I learned a lot, discovered what I liked (and didn’t like), and if I could toot my own horn, I’d say it made me the experienced lover I am today.

So here’s the thing. I understand that the term “body count” can make you feel nervous and sweaty (it’s such a rude term, by the way), but it’s not something you should hide or be ashamed of.

The simple answer you can give her is this: “Enough to know what I’m doing, not enough to regret it.” No song required – short, sweet and confident.

If she presses you for a specific number, you can respond boldly with, “A gentleman never tells,” or, “I don’t keep score – this isn’t a cricket match.”

What if she still insists on you? Well, maybe that’s her insecurity. In that case, do what many new couples do these days: Suggest that you both get an STD test if your sexual history is of such concern to her.

Present the clean bill of health and tell her to calm down. Because maybe that’s what’s really bothering her – and peace of mind never hurt anyone.

If all else fails, just do what 99.9 percent of the population does: lie. Pick a tasty number (eight sounds pretty non-threatening) and get started.

Dear Jana,

I am 58 and my long-term partner is in his early sixties. He wants sex all the time (at least daily, if not twice a day) and I’m scared of it.

It’s not satisfying at all, it doesn’t last more than five minutes and I feel like he’s really just using me to masturbate.

Should I worry that my libido isn’t what it once was and should I give in and resent him (which I am doing now)?

Or bring up the subject?

Afraid of sex – AITA?

Best Dreaded Sex – AITA?

(I had to Google it – turns out AITA stands for Am I the A**hole. Lol.)

Well, that’s an easy one, absolutely not! In fact, he is.

I’m not going to lie, I’m slightly furious on your behalf. No one – and I mean no one – should be treated like a human sex toy.

As you’ve described, not only does he treat you like a blow-up doll, but he doesn’t even bother to make it fun for both of you. Five minutes? Come on, buddy.

Now my advice may seem a little intimidating, but it’s time to put on your big girl pants (metaphorically and physically) and stand up for yourself.

Sit that guy down and say, “Listen, I’m not enjoying the sex. I feel like I’m being treated like your personal sex slave, and a five-minute quickie just isn’t enough for me.”

But (and I must emphasize this) don’t just criticize him. Men are delicate creatures with very fragile egos, so throw him a few lifelines.

Offer solutions: Suggest he bring foreplay back into the mix. I’m talking about good warm-up moves – romantic date nights, kind words, back massage, kissing, caressing… all that jazz.

Oh well, if he does it right, maybe he’ll be happy with how long he lasts when things heat up. Make sure you call him a hottie and stroke that ego.

Can we also take a moment to address this “twice a day, most days” issue? That’s an exaggeration. Tell him to do what last week’s reader was shocked by her husband: jerk off in the shower. There are other ways he can release his sexual energy that don’t involve you.

I’m afraid you’ll have to be strict with him, and if he can’t handle it, tell him to go away.

I repeat, YOU are not the hole. That’s him.

Dear Jana,

My boyfriend treats me like a queen, but lately I’ve noticed something that’s driving me crazy.

Whenever we are out, like at dinner, or running errands, or really anywhere in public, his eyes seem to wander. I’m not talking about a quick glance – I mean the kind of creepy, lingering stares that make me feel invisible.

Last weekend I caught him staring at a woman in a tight dress for so long that I almost asked him to buy her a drink.

I know men are visual, and I try not to overreact, but it’s starting to feel like I’m the third wheel in my own relationship.

Is this normal behavior that I need to get over? Or is there a way to talk to him about it without sounding insecure or like a jealous girlfriend?

Tish.

Oh, Tish.

I know exactly how annoying this can be! To me this is the height of disrespect.

I remember once going on a date with a guy who was so surprised by a hot woman walking into the bar that he spun around in his chair so quickly that he almost launched himself.

It annoyed me the most, and judging by the woman’s face, she wasn’t impressed either.

The point is, many of us love a little eye candy — we’re only human, after all — but you know what we do? We keep our reactions locked in our brains. No verbal or physical theater, because that would be way too thirsty. And disrespectful.

So here’s where it gets tricky: how do you handle this without sounding like the jealous girlfriend? Because (ugh) so often women are made to feel like they’re being whiny for pointing out things that really bother us.

In a classic case of “Jana’s therapist is everyone’s therapist,” I asked my sweet French pocket rocket of a therapist what she would do.

Her advice? Say something like, “Hey, I’ve noticed that your eyes tend to wander when we’re out, and honestly, it makes me feel invisible. I know you would never mean to hurt me, but I would love it if we could focus more on each other when we are together.”

But let’s be honest: who actually talks to their partner like that? My approach would be a little more direct. Wait until you catch him red-handed and then hit him with, “Uh, are you okay?” You’re dribbling.’

Shame on that man for a damn respect. Mildly toxic? Certainly. Effective? Absolute.

Because realistically he’s going to deny, deny, deny – and that, my friend, is classic gaslighting. If he has the audacity to ogle other women right in front of you, he has enough disrespect in his tank to lie about it too.

If he brushes it off or accuses you of being “crazy” or “jealous” (classic distraction), it’s not your fault – that’s his problem. Respect is non-negotiable, Tish.

If you’re starting to feel like the third wheel in your own relationship, it might be time to take a long, hard look to see if he’s really still treating you like the queen you are.

Believe me, there are plenty of men who look at you like you’re the only woman in the room – and keep their swivel chairs firmly in place. (I still cringe when I think about it).

Stay strong and keep your standards high.