SAUCY SECRETS: I finally slept with the man of my dreams. But then I stuffed up in the most embarrassing way ever. Do you think it’s over?

Dear Jana,

I’ve developed a very inappropriate crush and it’s a little embarrassing. I can’t help but find my father-in-law incredibly attractive! I increasingly suggest visiting my husband’s family just to be near him.

He has a charming George Clooney vibe that makes me feel like I’m the only woman who matters. Sometimes I even see him looking my way, and it drives me crazy.

Honestly, if he did anything, I think I would drop my husband, his son, in a heartbeat. I know this could totally destroy the family, but right now my hormones are completely out of control. How on earth do I get over this intense crush?

Anonymously

Oh girl,

You should buy one of those cold plunge pools and immerse yourself in it daily. All this below-the-collar stuff will land you in divorce court faster than you can take off your underwear.

I admit I understand your desire for a sexy older gentleman. Last night I found myself Googling old clips of Tom Selleck. Good God, that mustached man was a sexy DILF. So I get it, I really do.

But your father-in-law isn’t the one. Those cheeky looks you get from him are just that: looks. Don’t act on it. I repeat: do not act on it.

Maybe your man will age like a good George Clooney and only get better with time. He might end up looking just as sexy as your FIL, so I would suggest waiting and seeing where the cookie crumbles. While your father-in-law may eventually complain of bad hips, arthritis and a lack of bowel control, your current husband will age like fine wine.

Therefore, I suggest you stop visiting your husband’s parents’ house and focus on your current marriage, and if you want to let off some sexual steam, invest in a good vibrator.

Honestly, like all good crushes, this one will pass.

Dear Jana,

I finally got the chance to sleep with the man of my dreams and I think I filled it.

We were having the most amazing sex, but I had been holding in a fart all night and when I finally “peaked,” my intestines decided to follow suit and I let out the biggest, smelliest fart. The moment was ruined.

He jumped out of bed and tossed the duvet up and down in an attempt to air the room from my thunderous explosion and then told me he had an early meeting the next day and suggested I go home. I was shocked entire Uber ride home. I haven’t heard from him since.

Is there any way I can make a joke of it and bring back that appeal? I really like this guy and would like a second chance, but I’m afraid I’m doomed.

Sara

Dear Sara,

I’ll be brutally honest with you: there’s no going back. The ‘ick’ was called the ‘ick’ for a reason: it causes a physical reaction. This man jumping out of bed and oh so energetically airing out his room means the disgust was real.

I know it’s ridiculous because it’s a natural bodily function, but some people (embarrassingly admit I’m one of them) absolutely hate farts. The smell of someone else’s anus makes me gag at the thought. I’m sorry to say it, but it sounds like this guy views farts the same way.

Ultimately, we’re all going to do something that will give someone the creeps. We may have a horrible booger hanging from our nose or food stuck in our teeth, and it will secretly make our date go “eww.”

All we can do is dust ourselves off and move on to the next damn fish in the sea – hopefully someone who finds this sort of thing hilarious. I have friends who deliberately fart in front of their partners for a chuckle, so don’t be too discouraged.

Maybe you’ll meet him later in life and he’ll look smoking hot and he’ll quickly forget your honking incident. But for now I would leave it and look for someone else to date.

Knowing he’s easily taken down can be a blessing in disguise. In the beautiful words of Ariana Grande: ‘Thanks… next!’

Dear Jana,

I think I’m addicted to porn. The women are hot and I don’t have to take anyone on expensive dates to get off. But lately I feel like I’m missing out on the real thing. When I see my friends settling down and starting families, I think I should probably trade in my porn habits and start dating again.

I’ve been trying to cut down on the clutter, but I didn’t realize how addictive it is and great for filling time while living on my own. I’m afraid I may have to lower my standards because let’s face it, those girls in the videos are way out of my league.

Any advice on how to kick this habit and get back into the game? I don’t want to be the guy who is always alone on Saturday nights.

Help a man.

Steve

Steve, Steve, Steve,

Believe me when I say you are not alone. I was recently listening to a podcast episode of “Diary of a CEO,” and the hosts Steven Bartlett and James Smith openly discussed how their love of porn caused them to lose interest in sex with their partners. It’s a growing trend that porn is so easily accessible thanks to smartphones.

Plus, since the cost of living makes it way too expensive to spend on dates, I can see how a quick five-minute clip can satisfy an urge faster than some food and drinks with a potential love interest. But don’t we all ultimately long for physical touch?

I’ll give you the advice that Steven and James recommend: abstain. Yes, quit porn for a while and watch your interest in real women suddenly peak. Plus, you might be surprised to find out that we women can tell if a man has a porn addiction.

The girls and I were laughing about it the other day. A friend admitted that she can tell her husband watched it before she sleeps with him because it takes him forever to come. We all agreed that we had experienced the same thing.

So delete your favorite porn sites from your search history. Find a distracting hobby to replace those X-rated viewing habits (might I suggest Wordle?) and get creative with some date options that won’t break the bank. Maybe a picnic on a local beach with a bottle of wine and a cheese plate, or a walk in a national park followed by a coffee at a local cafe.

Oh, and as for having to lower your standards once you leave those hot porn women behind, let me remind you that it goes both ways. If you want to date a hot woman, become a hot guy. Take away that sexual frustration at the gym, and you’ll soon find that those hot women will suddenly become “in your league.”

So quit that addiction and throw yourself back into the real world. I promise it can be just as exciting.