RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Holy Equerry! Joe Biden’s visit to the UK is a complete mess

President Joe Biden’s stopover in Britain is making headlines in the US. Time to check in again with this column’s broadcast partners at Eye-Witness News, Palm Beach…

Good morning America, how are you? This is your favorite son, Chad Hanging, with another three hours of fake news for you to use.

The president landed in England last night on his way to a NATO summit in Europe. Let’s go live to our special correspondent Brit Limey. Good morning Britt.

Good morning, Chad. I’m standing in the grounds of historic Winslow Castle, just a short helicopter ride from Regency Park, where the president spent last night at the official residence of the US Ambassador, Winifred House.

How did the president appear after the long flight, Brit?

A little tired, Chad. After staggering off Marine One, he wandered into Regency Park and his Secret Service detail had to step in to save him from falling into the famous penguin pool at the nearby London Zoo.

According to reports we’ve seen on social media, he tripped and fell down a flight of stairs.

No, that was the boss, not the president. Bruce Springsteen fell on the slope during his concert in London’s Jekyll & Hyde Park.

Sounds like he wasn’t the only one dancing in the dark, Brit. The questions about the president’s cognitive ability will not go away.

That’s true, Chad. Sources close to the president tell me he thought he was in the Yew-Krane, not the Yew-Kay.

Talk us through his itinerary, Brit.

This morning, President Biden was driven to a meeting with Dishi Souness.

WHO?

Dishi Souness, the President of England.

What happened to President Boris Yeltsin?

You mean Boris Johnson, Chad. He was forced to resign after being ousted for lying about eating a birthday cake during the Covid lockdown.

Not exactly Watergate, Brit.

That’s how the cookie, or rather the birthday cake, crumbles here in the Yew-Kay.

So who is this Dishi Souness?

He was finance minister under President Boris. Now he is the first Indian president of the Yew-Kay.

He’s an Indian?

Not exactly, Chad, he’s an Indian Indian, from India. Or rather, his parents are Indian, from Kenya, in Africa.

So he’s African American, like President Obama?

No, Chad, he was born in the Yew-Kay, although until recently he had a green card, which gave him the right to live and work in the US. He had to give it up when he became president.

So how did President Biden and President Souness interact?

Aside from the fact that President Biden thought he was meeting President Wollensky of the Yew-Krane, they got along just fine to an extent. They drank tea in the garden at 10 Darwin Street, the residence of the President of Yew-Kay.

And what did they discuss?

The official line that emerged from the meeting was that the special relationship was rock solid. President Biden said the US could not have a closer friend and ally than the Yew-Kay.

Is that true?

Not really, Chad. There are fundamental disagreements over President Biden’s veto of Yew-Kay’s Defense Secretary Ben Wallace as the next head of NATO. He wants to install the current EU president Ulrika van der Valk. First Lady Jill Biden thinks the next NATO head should be a woman.

So what do the Yew-Kay have against Frau van der Valk?

They say she was the worst German defense minister ever. During her watch, German troops were given broomsticks instead of guns and told to shout ‘Bang, Zwei, Drei!’ about NATO exercises.

Putin must be shivering in his snow-covered boots.

That is why President Biden is sending cluster bombs to Yew-Krane, something the Yew-Kay opposes. The two leaders also do not agree to admit Yew-Krane to NATO. And the meeting broke up after just 42 minutes. Apparently, President Biden urgently needed to go to the toilet.

Sounds more like a mess than a tea party.

You could say that, Chad, I can’t possibly comment, as President Spacey said in House Of Cards.

What happened to President Spacey? He wasn’t in the last series on Netflix.

No, Chad, he’s in court in London for assault.

So President Biden hurried away from the meeting.

Yes, Chad. He refused to speak to the BBC, saying he was Irish, even though his father was half English and half French. And there was almost a diplomatic incident on the way back to the ambassador’s residence when the Beast was pulled over by police in Regency Park for going 35 mph in a 20 mph zone and failing to pay the ULEZ levy.

The what?

ULEZ. It is a clean air tax, stands for Ultra Low Emissions Zone, costs $15 a day and is being extended by Mayor Genghis Khan to the suburbs of London beyond the ring road. The Beast produces enough emissions to melt the polar ice caps.

So what’s next for President Biden, Chad?

He’s behind me at Winslow Castle for a meeting with King Charles and Queen Carmela.

Carmela? Does she have the same name as Tony Soprano’s wife?

Ten-four, Chad. And by all accounts, she’s just as badass. This was the first time the President had met King Charles since he rudely declined an invitation to attend the coronation at Westchester Abbey. It is an attempt to mend their relationship.

How did that turn out?

President Biden was invited to inspect the Welsh Guards at Winslow Castle. He didn’t make eye contact and kept calling them “Redcoats,” the name Americans gave British troops during the Revolutionary War.

And physically, what did the president look like?

Again he seemed confused and unsteady on his feet. There were fears he might stray into Winslow Great Park. He had to be led back to the dais by the king and his kilted groomsman.

Equerry?

A kind of royal personal assistant, Chad, like the president’s bodyguard. He’s quite a hit with the laity.

Do we know what Charles and the president discussed?

Over lunch, they talked about their passionate commitment to reducing carbon emissions and tackling climate change. Then the president was driven in the Beast a few hundred yards to Marine One, who transported him to Air Force One, ready to fly him safely to the NATO summit in Ruritania.

So can this visit be judged a success?

Sure, President Biden hopes it will have strengthened the special relationship, not that he really cares. He even flew the Union Jack on the hood of the Beast, though that gesture may have backfired.

How come?

Some observers thought it was flying upside down – which is a distress signal.

Holy equerry!