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Relationships can be difficult to navigate at the best of times, with the early stages often filled with uncertainty.
It can be even more confusing when you’re unsure of the other person’s feelings and intentions in the first few weeks and months.
Unfortunately, there are lots of people in the dating pool who aren’t always honest about what they’re looking for which can lead them to become ‘breadcrumbers’.
The dating phenomenon of breadcrumbing, more common in the digital age, is a way of giving somebody a little bit of attention which keeps them hanging on for weeks, months, and sometimes years at a time.
But how does it work and how can you tell if it’s happening to you?
UK psychotherapist and relationship expert Cathy Press has authored a book, When Love Bites, about unhealthy relationships and what they can look like.
Here, she shares her expert insight with FEMAIL on breadcrumbing, why people do it and what you can do if you find yourself being led on by someone else.
Psychotherapist Cathy Press explains breadcrumbers can make you feel confused and like you have done something wrong when they offer you sporadic contact with no follow-through (stock image)
What is breadcrumbing and what does it look like?
Breadcrumbing is a person who leads you on, giving you small amounts of a romantic relationship, charm and just enough attention for you to believe that they are really into you, but in reality, they are really non-committal.
There are many different ways it can manifest, both in person and over social media.
Face to face
- Making plans to do something and then cancelling close to the date or simply not turning up. They may be unavailable over the phone and not respond to messages when you try to find out what is happening
- Appearing very keen and interested when they speak to you, but suddenly withdrawing and becoming unresponsive
- Blowing hot and cold, leaving you unable to predict how they will behave next
- Chatting with you a little bit, but not making a plan to see you
- Being secretive and selective with what they share about themselves
- Appearing very flirtatious one minute but completely disinterested the next
- Pointing out what they like in other people, including their ex-partners, to give you the impression you might need to work harder to maintain their interest
On social media
- Offering little pieces of digital communication such as a ‘like’, a comment on a post or a message with one word or an emoji – thus not really communicating with you
- Messaging you at night to draw you in and suggesting they want sex
- Sending you a message and then, when you reply, taking hours, days or even weeks to reply
- Sending non-committal, sporadic messages that give you the impression they are bothered enough to keep in touch
- Randomly ‘liking’ a photo you posted months ago to make it look like they have been scrolling through your social media profile and have a real interest
- Making contact around anniversaries, birthdays or Valentine’s Day, long after you last heard from them
- Getting into a cycle of sending you a message and then stopping communication, despite making it clear they are ‘online’ and making you hang on for them
Breadcrumbing is about them, not you
The person breadcrumbing is largely self-focused. In other words, they don’t think about or care about others.
This behaviour is a form of coercion that lures you in and once they have your interest, they play you.
It is possible they may still be in a relationship with someone else but thrive on attention from wherever they can get it and could even be doing this to several people concurrently.
They won’t show empathy towards you or feel sorry about the way they treat you. In fact, it likely wouldn’t occur to them that their erratic behaviour has an impact on you because they are only interested in themselves and meeting their own needs.
It makes you feel insecure, let down and unimportant
The person being treated in this way will feel confused by the mixed messages.
They might consider that they have said or done something wrong when the breadcrumber backs off and might feel responsible for getting the contact going again.
They might simply feel insecure or badly about themselves and unsure why. They will feel let down, unimportant and disregarded.
This can lead to a lowered self-esteem and the belief that they aren’t special or good enough in some way. It is likely they would feel used, particularly after sexual hook-ups.
Breadcrumbers will not stop unless you make them
In short, for as long as you let it.
There is no finite time limit. It will be different for everyone.
It will largely come down to how long it takes you to notice what is happening and whether you want to stick with the little you have or cut loose and move on.
Breadcrumbers tend to do best with people who are less experienced, have little self-belief, lack self-confidence or have low self-worth.
If the recipient is needing attention and reassurance then the breadcrumber will take full advantage of their vulnerability and willingness for a little bit of something rather than a whole load of nothing.
Five signs YOU are being breadcrumbed
- You are giving time, thought and attention to the breadcrumber and getting very little back
- You are putting them first but in doing so, minimise what you want
- You have known them for a long time but don’t really know that much about them
- All contact is on their own terms. They are most engaged and spontaneous when they want to initiate sex
- If you reach a point where you are fed up with the situation and choose to back off yourself, they will start to show an interest in you again to give you the impression they really are interested in you. Although this may make you feel hopeful, it will prevent you from moving on
How to end the relationship
Everyone deserves more than a few crumbs of interest when building a relationship. If the relationship you have isn’t a happy, communicative and rewarding experience then it isn’t right for you.
A relationship on one person’s terms is likely to be abusive and controlling.
It can be hard to be honest with yourself when you like someone, but once you notice this repetitive pattern of behaviour it is important to remember that actions speak louder than words.
Consider how do you want to be treated and be clear about what you are looking for in a person’s behaviour, then don’t put up with less.
Focus on holding firm boundaries about the contact you have with people in the future. Insist on having dates and regular contact. Build the communication by talking and not just listening to the other person.
Every time you respond to their short vague messages, you reinforce their behaviour giving them the impression that you are okay with being treated in this way.
Remember the breadcrumber’s behaviour is all about them and nothing to do with you. If you have been in this situation for a while it can feel like there must be something with you, but in reality, it is nothing to do with who you are.
Remember, in time, you will meet other people. You will recognise the signs and behaviours of any future breadcrumbers and can make a choice to drop them and not waste your time.