If you’re in a relationship where nothing seems to go right and every fight makes you feel like you’re to blame, your boyfriend is probably cripplingly insecure.
Now psychologists have revealed the eight warning signs you may be missing that are deadly clues that your partner lacks confidence in themselves and your relationship.
These signals are phrases that can make you feel wrong, such as “you’re too sensitive,” or denying an apology with a “but” after saying “I’m sorry.”
By understanding the intentions behind these science-based warning signs, you can learn how to handle the situation or ultimately put it aside.
Your boyfriend might use eight comments to mask his insecurities, such as telling you that you’re too good for him or that you’re “too emotional”
The warning signs are forms of “gaslighting,” which can make you doubt your feelings and cause your partner to avoid responsibility for their actions.
a Study from 2019 suggested that these types of phrases mean emotional abuse, which can be just as damaging to your psyche as physical abuse and can contribute to depression and low self-esteem.
1. ‘You’re too good for me’
This is just self-deprecating humor from your boyfriend saying he has low self-esteem and doesn’t deserve your affection, according to Worldwide English editingan online editing and proofreading company.
The phrase can create an unhealthy balance in the relationship where he needs you to endlessly reassure him of his worth and how much you care about him.
This can also affect your mental well-being because by constantly reassuring him, you are trying to solve his low self-esteem issues while ignoring your own needs and feelings.
2. ‘I don’t care what people think’
At first glance, this comment may seem like your friend is giving off an air of confidence, but he may actually be saying it to protect himself from criticism.
This statement could act as a shield for his insecurities by deflecting comments before they are made so they don’t hurt him.
In reality, saying “I don’t care what people think” may indicate that the opposite is true and that he is openly aware of people’s comments and criticisms of him.
3. ‘I’m just honest’
An insecure boyfriend may use this phrase to establish dominance and control over his partner and may use it to mask hurtful or negative comments.
It means not being able to deal with what they say, taking too much offense and shifting the blame onto your shoulders.
The criticism can be used as a means to feel better about one’s own mistakes, by scapegoating the other person and deflecting these insecurities onto you.
This red flag could be a form of “gaslighting,” causing you to question your feelings and your partner to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
Gaslighters “are typically emotionally abusive people – often with low self-esteem – who seek to control others rather than form mutually respectful relationships that require attention, empathy, compassion and kindness,” Monica Vermani, a Canada-based clinical psychologist, told me. ABC5 News.
“They look for ways to undermine and overpower someone they fear losing, regardless of the damage to their target.”
If your friend tells you, “I’m sorry, but…” he’s probably partially blaming you for the argument and trying to apologize without accepting responsibility for his actions.
4. ‘I’m sorry, but…’
If you’ve had a fight or argument with your boyfriend and he says, “I’m sorry, but…” as an apology, this is a telltale sign that he’s insecure and about to shift some of the blame onto him. to shove. You.
This comment is used as a means of apology without fully accepting responsibility, and is partly intended to defend his actions.
Some people have difficulty recognizing or admitting that they have made a mistake and may feel that admitting that they have made a mistake exposes their weaknesses.
“A gaslighting apology is a conditional apology in which the person apologizing appears as if they are sincerely saying ‘I’m sorry,’ but they don’t take any responsibility for hurting you,” says Jamie Schenk DeWitt, a psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. told Newsweek.
“They don’t think for a second that they’ve done anything wrong, and they’re implying that it’s your problem that your feelings are hurt,” DeWitt said.
5. ‘I was just joking’
People often use joking as a way to communicate, offset tension, or simply connect with others, but when it is used after a hurtful comment or criticism, it becomes a warning sign.
When your insecure friend tells you, “I was just kidding” after a negative comment, it’s an attempt to avoid taking responsibility for the pain you’re feeling by lightening the mood.
If this comment is made consistently, it may be time to do something about it so that your mental health does not suffer from the hurtful and derogatory comments that “jokes” make.
6. ‘It’s no problem’
This is a good way to brush off your feelings by downplaying an issue you may have brought up in the relationship.
An insecure man may use this phrase to end the discussion on his terms while also dismissing the feelings and concerns you’ve confided to him.
This probably stems from his insecurity that he cannot fully handle criticism or conflict and that he does not respect your feelings.
7. ‘You’re too sensitive’
Telling someone that he or she is “too sensitive” is also a form of the well-known term gaslighting – when someone makes you question whether you are justified in how you feel.
Susan Trombetti, a matchmaker and the CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, shared In style: ‘It’s just a way to puff you up and make you think you’re crazy.’
It gives him control and power over you that he thought was lacking in the relationship, exposing his insecurities and inability to accept responsibility for his actions.
This comment can make it difficult to stand up for yourself and feel validated in your emotions, and can negatively impact your mental well-being.
8. ‘I’m not perfect’
Imperfection and making mistakes are a fact of life, and recognizing that everyday life is fine, but if you use it as an excuse, it becomes a sign of your insecurity.
This phrase can be used to deflect blame, lower your expectations of him, or justify how he acted or responded to a situation.
It protects him from being held responsible for his actions and invalidates your feelings again.
How to respond to these eight red flags
When you find yourself in these situations, DeWitt told Newsweek, it would be wise to try to remove yourself from association with someone who “will do anything at any cost to maintain their greatness and power at your expense.”
How you respond to these warning signs is ultimately up to you, but understanding the meaning behind these frequent comments can help you understand how to encourage more open communication in your relationship, or finally set yourself free.
“It is imperative to address these behaviors with your partner, and if he or she refuses to take responsibility or express a willingness to change, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship,” says Samara Quintero, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Choose Therapy. Business insider.
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