Questions to ask yourself… for a more meaningful life

Why do I feel like I have to be ‘happy’?

We constantly absorb the idea that we should be happier, but is that true? The word “why” allows us to shift our perspective and think more broadly about why a “happier life” is the intended goal, rather than a life that has more complexity, meaning and authenticity. In our consumer culture, it seems as if happiness is something we can buy, rather than satisfaction and interest that we experience. This focus on happiness can override what’s going on, how we’re feeling, and how many different things we might be experiencing. That doesn’t make for a very sustainable or interesting life.

What do I long for?

Shift the lens from what you’re striving for to what you’re drawn to, what you want to put your energy into. Maybe you’re at home with the kids and haven’t seen your friends, so there’s a longing to see them again. Desire can be a pain, because it can be painful to desire something and not be able to achieve it, but desire also moves us towards what we want; We may not always be able to get there, but we may find a route to our deeper needs.

Am I stuck in certain patterns?

No one can go through life without regrets, but by developing an empathetic relationship with them we can grieve and reflect on what we were and what we were capable of under the circumstances – for example, if you have stayed in a relationship too long, you can understand that you felt too insecure to leave it, or that you had to take care of that person. These are sympathetic ways to think about your experiences, and the ability to reflect allows you to catch yourself performing the same patterns.

When does connection nourish me?

It could be when you have a great conversation, or when you are at a concert and feel like you are part of it. I really enjoy working on things with other people; for others it could be playing an instrument, painting, walking, hammering nails into a wall and doing it well – it doesn’t matter what it is. It could also include cultural practices; Reading a book or watching a movie that really speaks to you is a way to feel moved.

What do I do regarding the contribution?

I grew up in a time when we thought society’s purpose was to contribute, and psychologically I still appreciate that. Finding ways to expand one’s capacity to give—whether within our community, artistically, or emotionally—expands who we are, whether we are a mathematician contributing to understanding, or drawn to art or medicine. If we look at the number of cooking pages in magazines, it is about creating something, feeding people you love and at the same time giving you something in the transformation process.

How am I stuck and what perspective do I need to free myself?

This is about expanding our emotional repertoire. The therapist in me would ask: how does being stuck this way help you, and can you highlight any visible problems? advantages to maintain this position, no matter how difficult that may be? For example, does it allow you not to do certain things, or does it keep you safe in your perception? That reflection can make you think: maybe I don’t have to do this anymore.

What things just give me pleasure?

While some of us are fortunate enough to find meaning in our work, some are stoic about it but do other things: go to a chess club, make furniture, or sing in a choir. It’s important to have space for things outside of work and family. It could be playing cards on Monday evening, going for a walk, preparing a meal or giggling with your child. It’s something nutritious – that’s the key.

Do I feel heard?

We want people to hear us, whether it is our joy or our sorrow. If those things are not heard, you will get anger, alienation, depression – or Trump will come to power. Being heard or recognized is very important, but this does not have to be due to having a lot of likes on social media. We have to take a risk internally by telling a friend or partner something that is important to us. In response to the question, “How are you today?” You might say, “It’s a bit difficult.” The other person doesn’t have to fix it for you; they just have to acknowledge it.

Can I look at problems from a different perspective?

The problem with a problem is that we tend to approach it in the same way, rather than picking it up, turning it around and looking at it from different angles. Difficulty sitting is important because if you don’t respond right away, you might discover more texture or color in it. Think about whether this is a known problem, pattern, or new circumstance. Knowing how painful, infuriating, sad, or regretful something is increases your ability to do something about it. Sometimes you can’t act – maybe you just have to put up with that difficulty, but maybe otherwise you can let it sit within you.

What are the things about myself that I don’t like?

Obviously there are things you don’t like about yourself. You may be too controlling or judgmental, for example, and there’s something useful about acknowledging that so you don’t get stuck in it—recognizing a trait and saying, “I don’t want to do that again.”

What keeps me moving forward?

Sometimes explanations for our perceived problems are empowering, but sometimes they keep us stuck. So the question is: “What will enable me to change this?” For example, if you blame your husband’s laziness for your unhappiness, you might talk to your husband, or think, What good is it for me to feel like I’m so on top of everything all the time? What can I do to avoid pushing everything I find unsatisfactory onto other people, even though I may be partially responsible?

Do I notice simple acts of generosity?

Maybe you have a nice greeting for the usually grumpy greengrocer. It is good to notice every ordinary act of generosity and connection; it is not expensive or complex, but makes you feel like you belong in the world.

Susie Orbach is the founder of the Women’s Therapy Center and author of several books, including In therapy: the unfolding story.