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A psychologist who specializes in apologies has revealed the best way to say ‘I’m sorry,’ detailing why that much-used phrase can be totally ineffective if said incorrectly.
Harriet Lerner, author of the best-selling book ‘Why Don’t You Apologize?’ has studied the art of saying ‘I’m sorry’ for over 20 years, and now she details how you can gain someone’s understanding. the mistake doesn’t matter.
In the past, Harriet has detailed how delicate it is to apologize, sharing that it should always be short and sweet and never add a “but” or an “if”.
Now, the psychologist has returned to share how you can create the perfect apology that ‘heals’ all wounds.
Harriet Lerner, psychologist specializing in apologies, has revealed the best way to apologize
speaking to TodayThe psychologist revealed that people don’t usually think about all the ways they hurt others.
He explained that “the need to give and receive apologies is with us until our last breath.”
And while Harriet pointed out that apologizing is essential, many don’t understand why it’s necessary to mumble the words “I’m sorry.”
The psychologist explained that when an apology is ‘done right’ it can be ‘profoundly healing’.
However, when done wrong, it can “open a crack in the foundation” or even end a relationship.
Because we are all human and will make mistakes indefinitely, the psychologist explained how you can recognize them and help heal those who hurt you.
From listening to allowing time for forgiveness, he’s detailed how you can say ‘I’m sorry’ the right way.
Step One: Listen and listen to the hurting party to understand their pain
The first step in asking for forgiveness is to listen.
An effective apology begins with a willingness to listen and understand what the grieving person has to say, regardless of whether you agree.
Harriet said: “Sit on the sidelines and listen with an open heart to the anger of the injured party.”
It is important to sit down and discuss everything together.
However, this may take more than one conversation, so it is essential that you and the injured party make time for another conversation.
“If it’s a big betrayal, there is no greater or more difficult gift to give than the kind of listening where we put our defensiveness aside and listen to someone’s anger and pain when they accuse us of causing it,” Harriet told Today. . .
Step Two: Take responsibility for your actions and never include a “but” or an “if” in your apology.
An effective plea for forgiveness does not focus on the other person’s feelings or response, but rather allows you to take responsibility for your words and actions (stock image)
The psychologist then pointed out that you should always take “clear and direct” responsibility for what you have done without any warning.
More than anything, the hurting party wants to hear an apology that is genuine.
This means one without an ‘if’ or ‘but’ in it.
If you include a ‘but’ or an ‘if’ in your apology, you undo sincerity since those words always signal an excuse, nullifying the original message.
Even if the statement you make after the ‘but’ is true, it still makes the apology false.
For example, ‘I’m sorry if I was insensitive’ does not count as a genuine expression of regret.
Instead, you should say, ‘The comment I made was offensive. I’m sorry I was insensitive and it won’t happen again.
An effective plea for forgiveness does not focus on the other person’s feelings or response, but rather allows you to take responsibility for your words and actions.
Apologizing for someone else’s feelings implies that if they weren’t so sensitive, they wouldn’t be so hurt, and it takes the blame off of you.
Step Three: Promise a solution and commit to fix it
The third step in forming the perfect apology is making amends, which Harriet describes as including “corrective action” in your apology.
This is essentially a solution that guarantees that it will rectify the mistake that has been made and promises that it will not happen again.
The psychologist gave the example of receiving bad service or food in a restaurant and the waiter says ‘sorry’ but it doesn’t make up for the bad service or food in any way.
“It’s a terrible business mistake to apologize but not to do it right,” Harriet said.
When it comes to relationships and friendships, the apology expert explained that you need to make sure you let the hurting party know that you’re going to change your behavior.
And you should keep in mind that just muttering ‘sorry’ won’t cut it for big problems like affairs, abuse, and other toxic behaviors.
Therefore, you should always mention the problem at hand to begin with and initiate the apology, as well as commit to not having it happen again.
Step Four: Don’t pressure the person who has been hurt, give them space and time to heal.
For the fourth step of forming the perfect apology, you’ll need to remember that most problems are not resolved immediately.
So while you can expect to be forgiven as soon as you apologize, it is more likely that it will take time for the hurt party to truly heal.
Once a genuine apology has been given, the healing process begins.
Ultimately though, it is up to the person who has been hurt to decide if or when they want to forgive you.
After you apologize, you should allow time and space for the person to forgive you.
And even if you need to take more time, you have to be respectful of your healing process and accept it.
If you’re dealing with relationship issues, rebuilding trust can be an even longer process.
So while apologizing is the best way to start, it’s not always the only thing that needs to happen to be forgiven.
Step Five: Keep an open mind if you want to put the problem behind you
The last step in apologizing is validating the opinions of others and having an open mind.
This means that both you and the person who has been hurt must want to solve the problem in order for the two of you to solve it.
Regardless of whether or not you and the injured party want to resolve the issue, you should still apologize.
But, if both of you want to resolve the issue, it is essential that both of you keep an open mind.
You should never go directly to the defense and start attacking the other person, but instead try to empathize with them.
Lastly, the psychologist explained that while you deserve an apology, you may never get the one you expect.
“People who commit serious injuries may never get to the point where they can admit to their harmful actions, let alone apologize to make amends,” Harriet said.