Psychologists reveal the CORRECT way to apologize: Experts detail the most effective method for saying sorry… so, have YOU been getting it wrong?

They say an apology can mean a lot, but have you properly admitted your mistakes?

Well, psychologists who have been studying apologies for more than two decades have now revealed the right way to say you’re sorry.

Harriet Lerner and Karina Schumann recently shared their expertise with Today because they emphasized the importance of admitting when you are wrong.

Harriet, author of Why Won’t You Apologize?, said: ‘We all hurt other people, just as we are hurt by them. So the need to give and receive an apology remains with us until our very last breath.”

Both she and Karina, an associate professor of social psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, agreed that finding the best way to convey something sincere can be tricky, but shared their tips for doing it right.

“To hear those words of recognition that you are aware that something has happened that is disturbing or problematic for this person, and you are not making excuses for it,” Karina told the outlet.

Harriet agreed, adding, “If an apology is missing or if we screw it up, it can cause a crack in the foundation of a relationship, or even end a relationship.”

She explained that it’s often important to apologize, even if we don’t think we’re necessarily to blame or wrong.

This is because sometimes the lack of an apology can cause more anxiety than the initial misstep itself.

Harriet revealed: ‘The courage to apologize and the wisdom and clarity to do it wisely and well are at the heart of everything that matters most. It is at the heart of parenting, leadership and friendship.”

The expert said that apologies are essential to holding ourselves accountable and strengthening our sense of personal integrity and self-worth.

Explaining this further, she explained that saying sorry can trigger feelings of vulnerability, and because our brains are naturally defensive, many people can find it difficult to apologize.

This can then lead us to focus on our perception of what is true or false, rather than hearing the person talk about his or her problem and then being solution-oriented.

But it turns out there is a correct way to apologize and it goes beyond just saying “sorry.”

The first step to a meaningful conversation is the willingness to listen to the other person.

“Sit on the hot seat and listen with an open heart to the wrath of the wounded party,” Harriet offered.

She emphasized that it is important to put aside any defensiveness and really try to see it from the other person’s perspective.

It is also essential to remember that, especially when it comes to major betrayals, it may not be possible to express all the feelings in one conversation, but it is important to go through the process.

The experts then explained that choosing the right language was key to taking “clear and direct responsibility.”

Harriet said there should be no caveats in the apology, meaning it should never include the word “but.”

The best apologies don’t shift the focus to mentioning the other person’s response, because that dilutes the act of taking ownership.

“You’re not apologizing for someone else’s feelings, which maybe means that if they were a little tougher and not so sensitive, maybe they wouldn’t be so hurt,” she shared.

The third factor in crafting a sincere apology is expressing the intention to make amends for the harm with a “corrective action” that can help rectify the situation.

The experts agreed that this could be a promise to change future behavior or a promise not to make the same mistake again.

Likewise, it can be helpful to take the initiative and address the problem head-on.

“We always wait for the hurt party to bring it up, but an important part of recovery, if it’s something important, is taking the initiative to bring it up,” Harriet revealed.

The next part of getting an apology right is allowing space and time for forgiveness, because some injured parties may ultimately not be ready to move on right away.

Karina said: ‘Some people think an apology is simply not enough for some types of offences. There should be no pressure and burden on victims to immediately forgive when they receive an apology.”

She cautioned that no matter how sincere we are, sometimes saying “sorry” is a good starting point, but is part of a “longer process of accountability.”

The last tip the psychologists gave is that it is important to work together towards an end goal, as Karina added: ‘It takes two.’

There are also no time limits for apologies.

Harriet said that “it could have been something that happened a long, long time ago,” but better than never.