Psychologists explain the science behind getting the ‘ick’: why are our brains programmed to be cringed by things the opposite sex does?
There may be an evolutionary reason why you immediately stop being attracted to your loved one when you discover that he/she is a loud chewer.
“The ick” is a term that has become popular on TikTok and Instagram to describe that feeling when attraction turns into a sudden, cringing revulsion toward another person, often in a budding romance.
Common examples of ick triggers include poor hygiene, arrogance and rudeness – but many have reported doing seemingly innocuous things such as walking with a wide stride, sleeping on navy blue sheets or even shortening breakfast to ‘brekkie’.
Now clinical psychologists have told DailyMail.com that they think two things are going on: it could be a primitive warning to avoid danger – or it could be that you’re sabotaging a relationship because of your own relationship problems and attachment style.
Do dirty fingernails give you the creeps? According to psychologists, the ick is a feeling of disgust, a primitive emotion designed to keep us safe.
Does it bother you when you go to a potential romantic partner’s house and see their trash overflowing? In this case and in others, the problem may be that your body is trying to warn you of a possible illness. But while that gut feeling can be powerful, it doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, psychologists say.
According to Dr. Carla Marie Manly, the theory of evolution says that the ick may be part of a primitive instinct designed to protect us from things that can hurt us. For example, our sense of disgust at unpleasant tastes, smells and textures prevents us from eating poisonous mushrooms or spoiled food.
“The ick factor is the result of a feeling of disgust in the gut,” Manly, a clinical psychologist, told DailyMail.com.
With humans, however, it is a bit more complicated.
In modern times, the ick can warn you of different dangers than those our ancestors faced when their sense of disgust told them to sleep far away from the part of their cave where they relieved themselves.
The problem has more to do with other people, and whether they will be suitable partners.
“Something in that person or in their demeanor creates a feeling of disgust,” Manly said.
A date who yells at a waiter or criticizes the way you talk could be a sign that he or she may abuse you in the future, or that he or she is a bad parent to your child.
They may even remind you of similar, painful memories from your own childhood.
But Dr. Leslie Feil, also a clinical psychologist, said that IK is more common in people with insecurities of their own, especially those with an avoidant attachment style.
Do you also get it when you see a man drinking from a straw? Maybe you’re looking for a reason to reject him as a potential partner.
Greeting card seller Thortful surveyed 2,000 British men and women about their icks, and the top contenders were poor hygiene. arrogance and loud eating.
Men and women agreed on the top three, with bad breath as number four. Spitting on the street, being rude to catering staff and rude jokes also topped the list.
Imagine you’re on a first date with a man and he drinks from a straw, or you’re on a first date with a woman and she turns out to be a picky eater.
Are you getting the ick?
Feil said people sometimes find it difficult when reality shatters fantasy. And these fantasies are often encouraged by romantic movies, or lists of qualities to look for in a partner.
“That’s the phenomenon I see most, is that people have this idea of this idealized partner,” she told DailyMail.com.
If you find yourself bothered by different people over and over again, therapy or other self-exploration tools can help you discover why you’re so quick to disqualify a suitor, she said.
Someone who exhibits this style of relating to others may have an avoidant attachment style, which he confuses with the ick.
“They have difficulty forming relationships with other people, they may suddenly feel disgusted because they are afraid to take the next step with the other person,” she said.
Our attachment style develops in childhood and shapes the way we approach relationships for the rest of our lives.
If a guy putting on lip balm gives you the creeps, you may have other unrealistic expectations of a potential romantic partner.
Some women report that they get sick when a man doesn’t eat vegetables. In this case, they may be responding to a sign that he is not healthy or mature. But these kinds of quirks don’t make them unlovable, and they don’t have to be a dealbreaker, psychologists say.
An avoidant attachment style can arise because parents or caregivers fail to show care or may fail to provide basic needs such as food and shelter.
In adulthood, people with an avoidant attachment style may feel overly self-sufficient, as if they don’t need anyone else — especially because they view other people as untrustworthy and unreliable based on their upbringing.
This fear of intimacy can then be the ick.
“And we often work through that in therapy, to understand it better, to deal with it in a safer way,” Feil said.
Sometimes, when we hate a new partner, the feeling of disgust will disappear over time as we get used to their idiosyncrasies – if they clap when the plane lands, or if they don’t put a roller coaster under their glass, for example .
Whatever their specific quirks, the other person may not check enough boxes on the list, but that doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, Feil said.
“I think those little annoyances or minor annoyances that we all have with other people fade a lot when we feel compassion for the person we’re interested in, and it most likely won’t be something on a checklist.”
Instead of looking for warning signs, perhaps look for qualities you like in someone else.
Manly tends to agree.
“We are all imperfect,” she said. “We’re all going to have quirks. And if someone does something that isn’t harmful to you, maybe it’s a growth opportunity for your ability to be more tolerant, for your ability to accept imperfections.”