Most people enjoy helping and satisfying others.
Yet a small but significant proportion take selfless behavior to the extreme, posing serious risks mental health problems.
Psychologists have coined the phenomenon of “people pleasing,” which reportedly describes those who never do it saying no and always doing their utmost for others, at the expense of their own mental well-being.
According to studies, the approximately 14 percent of people who engage in these behaviors are more likely to develop serious mental health problems, such as anxiety, stress and depression.
A high-profile people pleaser is Hollywood superstar Jennifer Lawrence, who admitted in 2021 that she had spent most of her life “people pleasing.”
Jennifer Lawrence temporarily stepped away from the spotlight in 2018 as she struggled with anxiety stemming from her people-pleasing behavior, she previously admitted
“Working made me feel like no one could be mad at me,” she said Vanity fair.
“And then I felt like I reached a point where people weren’t just satisfied with my existence. So that woke me up to the idea that work or your career can bring any kind of peace to your soul.”
But how do you know if you’re a perennial people pleaser, or just a nice person?
Dr. Juli Fraga, a San Francisco psychologist, has revealed the five signs of chronic people-pleasing to look out for.
The first clue is often an underlying feeling that you’re out of control, she says.
When people perceive us in ways that we don’t like and over which we have no control – for example, after the end of a relationship – there is a temptation to overcompensate in other areas of life in order to get people to like us .
People pleasers do everything they can to make other people’s lives easier, at their own expense. This often leads to feelings of inadequacy, friction and stress
Dr. Juli Fraga said the first behavioral red flag is over-apologizing, especially for things that aren’t your fault.
“For example, one of my former patients said that he apologized every time he asked his boss a question,” she told the newspaper WashingtonPost.
“Because he didn’t want to make them angry.”
Another takes responsibility for someone else’s sadness, anger, or disappointment.
The ‘people pleaser’ will assume that they have done something that caused the negative emotion, and will try to resolve it – even if it is at their own expense.
The next sign is that you agree if you don’t, to avoid tension.
Dr. Fraga said, “Years ago I worked with a patient who defended her father’s political views even though she couldn’t stand them.”
Then there is a ‘yes’ person if you want to say no.
You may find yourself taking on a larger workload that you can’t handle, or agreeing to pay for things you can’t afford.
The final sign is that you allow yourself to be lulled into the false belief that your feelings and needs don’t matter as much as those of others.
Dr. Fraga said, “Often you have the false belief that expressing (feelings) will be a burden, or will cause someone to abandon you.”
A people-lover often puts aside his own needs for the benefit of others. For example, spending hours running errands for someone else or replacing a colleague during the working day, leaving little time for moments of rest or a nutritious lunch.
Psychologists have long debated the root cause of people pleasing, but it is thought to be related to a personality trait known as sociotropy: an unusually strong personality trait. desire for social approval and acceptance.
People with this trait rely heavily on the quality of their relationships with other people to determine their own self-esteem and well-being.
People with sociotropic traits are more likely to hold harmful beliefs about themselves, such as “I am unlovable” and “I am helpless,” according to a study. Study from 2018.
The behavior can also be the result of aggressive parenting, Dr. Fraga said.
“I once worked with a patient whose father shamed him when he expressed his grief. “If you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about,” he was told.
On other occasions his father said, “I’m not in the mood to hear your stupid nonsense.” As a result, my patient worked hard to be “good” by doing what he was told. ‘If people like you, they’ll leave you alone,’ he told me.’
This is a trauma response known as fawning, or pleasing others to avoid conflict and create a sense of security.
Dr Fraga advises patients to work on self-compassion and to be as forgiving of themselves as they are of other people.
She said: ‘Start by asking yourself, “What is one thing that makes me feel calmed?” It could be a walk or a cup of tea. Or maybe call a friend or spend time with your beloved pet.”
She also encourages people to practice saying no and setting boundaries.