You have thought about whether your partner is right for you. But have you thought about how they might be suitable for your future children?
Alan Kazdin, a Yale psychologist who researches child rearing, recently warned parents to be very aware of their own behavior with children.
At a forum hosted by the American Psychological Association, he said the old adage “do as I say and not as I do” is “ridiculous” because children like to copy.
In addition to subconsciously encouraging bad behavior, psychologists say there are common signs that one partner will leave the other to pick up the slack once they start a family.
So how do you know what to look for, in yourself or in a potential life partner?
Below, DailyMail.com has collected expert insights on the warning signs that could indicate your fiance isn’t the best parent after all…
Developmental psychologists say some parental traits can be harmful to children’s emotional health by copying unhealthy behaviors.
They are bad at setting boundaries
If your partner has a hard time setting boundaries with you or other people in their lives, they may have difficulty setting them for their children.
For example, if your partner has trouble telling a friend when a joke has gone too far, or if he or she overshares personal information with strangers.
Research shows that not setting boundaries with children can have a negative effect on a child’s emotional development.
By setting clear rules and enforcing them in a kind manner, your children can develop into adults who respect others’ boundaries and distinguish between right and wrong. US Centers for Disease Control.
Setting firm boundaries for your child is one of the most important parts of being a good parent, says marriage and family therapist Carrie Krawiec. She knows. “A good parent is a healthy mix of warm and firm,” Krawiec said.
They micromanage you and others
If you feel like your partner often dictates how you complete tasks or how you go about your daily life, he or she can do the same with your children.
And micromanaging is known to be detrimental to development.
Stanford scientists found that children whose parents micromanaged them – instead of giving them space to make their own mistakes – had a harder time building cognitive and emotional skills. Children need guidance, but they also need the space to build their own skills, the article describes.
“When parents let children take the lead in their interactions, children practice self-regulation skills and build independence,” said Jelena Obradović, a professor at the Stanford Graduate School of Education, in a university news release.
They don’t bother with chores
According to A., sharing tasks is the third most important factor for a successful marriage 2016 Pew Research Poll. Chores only ranked after having shared interests and a sexual relationship.
Modeling how to divide tasks for your children so they can complete their own is an essential way to teach them responsibility, author and educator Julie Lythcott-Haims wrote in her book “How to Raise an Adult.”
‘Doing chores teaches a child a work ethic. They learn to roll up their sleeves, to commit, to do the things that need to be done, even the annoying things, to contribute to the bigger picture. That’s what gets them ahead in the workplace,” Lythcott-Haims wrote on her website.
Perhaps one of the best-known examples of a bad parental relationship is Homer Simpson in The Simpsons, who is aggressive and impatient with his son Bart.
They feel emotions very intensely
From paper cuts to skinned knees, children need remedies that have a calming, neutral effect no matter how stressful the circumstances.
If your partner is unable to calm themselves down, he or she may not be the best person to help your future child do so. Modeling a calm attitude is crucial to helping children develop into well-adjusted adults, according to the American Psychological Association.
“A good parent is one who approaches parenting more flexibly and takes into account each child’s individual temperament and personality,” Racine Henry, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells SheKnows.
Additionally, a parent’s emotions can spill over onto a child, according to psychologist Sherrie Bourg Carter. So it is important that the emotions your partner expresses are reasonable.
“Children raised by depressed parents are significantly more likely to be diagnosed with depression,” Bourg Carter wrote Psychology today.
They have trouble relating to your feelings
A lack of empathy is a cornerstone characteristic of narcissistic personality disorder, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision.
Children raised by parents with this trait tend to have lower self-esteem and problems developing healthy relationships, according to research by Smith College.
Empathy is a key skill for knowing how to best comfort and communicate with children, psychologist Natalie Feinblatt told SheKnows.
One of the things good parents can do to comfort their child when they are upset is to use their empathy to mirror them, Feinblatt said.
Mirroring “means mirroring the feeling back to the child so that they know they are seen and understood,” she explained.
If a partner shows signs of being able to understand how you feel, chances are he or she will be an excellent parent, experts say.