I’m a psychologist – this is the sinister truth of what a narcissist really means when they say ‘I love you’
An expert psychologist has revealed what narcissists really mean when they say the words ‘I love you’.
To write Psychology todayDr. Elinor Greenberg warned that both men and women with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) don’t mean the same thing as most people when they say the three special words everyone wants to hear.
According to Dr. Greenberg, what the narcissist actually means is, “I like my fantasies about you.”
Dr. Greenberg, who specializes in teaching the diagnosis and treatment of narcissistic adjustments, writes, “The unfortunate truth is that narcissists don’t really fall in love with people.
“They fall in love with their projections of who they currently idealize as the perfect partner.”
Although narcissists succeed in coming across as the infatuated lover when a relationship is still fresh, according to the specialist it cannot last because it is based on a fantasy.
In reality, the love you receive from someone who meets the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) will be transient, because their affection depends on how well you meet their carefully constructed expectations.
“Real people have flaws,” writes Dr. Greenberg. “When narcissists stop impressing you long enough to get to know you, they end up disappointed because you’re a real person.”
An expert psychologist has revealed that narcissists don’t fall in love with you, but rather the idea of you (Stock Image)
In her article, Dr. Greenberg reveals several more shocking truths about narcissistic love.
She warns that when a partner with narcissistic traits discovers that you don’t perfectly embody their fantasy, they will begin to suggest ways you should change.
This is what Dr. Greenberg calls “the construction project.”
If you refuse to make the suggested improvements, your partner will lash out and arguments will ensue.
Even if you try to take their suggestions to heart, nothing will ever be as good as it is in their minds because narcissists tend to be perfectionists.
Dr. Greenberg then suggests that as narcissists become increasingly frustrated with your so-called shortcomings, their charm will fade and a process called “devaluation” will begin.
When their fantasy falls apart, they will take it out on you by making demeaning comments that can diminish your appearance, character, or intelligence.
When a narcissist’s fantasy falls apart, they will take it out on you and make demeaning comments (Stock Image)
The final step? Narcissists will abandon you – whether physically, emotionally, or both.
With emotional abandonment, your partner may not formally leave the relationship, but he will make it clear that he no longer cares about your well-being.
At this stage, a narcissist may flirt with other people right before your eyes or even cheat on you with someone else.
Narcissists ultimately tend to flee relationships. They will have no problem packing up and disappearing.
The harsh reality, according to Dr. Greenberg, is that you are like an old toy and they look for someone new “who has not yet been affected by reality.”
Dr Greenberg’s comments come after a leading clinical psychologist in the field of narcissism, Dr Ramani Durvasula, explained how to tell if the person in your life is indeed narcissistic, or simply ‘toxic’.
In a YouTube video that has been viewed more than 50,000 times, she said it “doesn’t do anyone any good” to use the word narcissism “where it doesn’t apply.”
She then explained the difference between “toxic” and “narcissistic.”
To label someone a narcissist, the person must exhibit some specific traits – and not have others – that in turn lead to specific behaviors.
However, toxicity is ‘subjective’. In other words, a trait or behavior that one person finds toxic may be completely acceptable to someone else.
Dr. Ramani says, “Toxic is subjective. Some things bother us based on our history, our families of origin, our experiences in the world, our beliefs, and our own idiosyncrasies.”
However, with a narcissist, none of these things matter, as narcissism is not a matter of perception.
Instead, “it is a much more definable personality style, based on the accumulation of watching a person’s behavior.”
Another key difference between narcissists and toxic people is what motivates them, with narcissists craving “control and power.”
And while a narcissistic person is plagued with “insecurity and shame,” a toxic person may not have a “psychological storm within them.”
Finally, toxic and narcissistic people (and relationships) affect us in very different ways, with narcissistic relationships having more “far-reaching consequences.”
Dr. Ramani adds, “Toxic people can be annoying [and] sometimes even disturbing, but perhaps not so universally harmful [as narcissists].’