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A polyamorous woman who was once part of a love “quad” has revealed that due to her religious upbringing, she believed polyamory was only for “sex addicts.”
Dedeker Winston, 35, of Seattle, hosts the Multiamory Podcast with her former lover and her current partner. But before embracing open relationships a decade ago, she grew up in a conservative household that learned her rendezvous had to be monogamous.
She said: “I grew up in a very conservative, evangelical environment and so I inherited certain ideas about sex and relationships. It was extreme monogamy and marriage-oriented.’
Dedeker added when a friend first suggested she open up to her then-monogamous relationship, she was offended because she thought it was only for people addicted to sex.
Candid: Dedeker Winston, 35, of Seattle, hosts the Multiamory Podcast and has been involved with polyamory for over a decade
Trio: Together with her former partner Emily Matlack, 34, (right) and current partner Jase Lindgren, 40, (center), the trio has produced nearly 400 episodes about the wide world of populated relationships
She said, “When I entered high school and explored relationships for the first time, I found myself attracted to more than one person very early on. At that time, no one ever told me that it’s normal for something to happen.
“The only knowledge I needed to know was what the church or Disney movies said: When you love someone, you put your blinders on. As a result, I interpreted it as if there was something wrong with me or that I was broken.
“When I was finally introduced to the term ‘polyamory’, I was stunned. I was in my mid-20s and had been in a monogamous relationship for several years, but fell in love with someone else.
“A friend suggested we try an open relationship, and at first I was offended because it’s a term sometimes used for sex addicts.”
However, after experimenting with non-monogamy, Dedeker realized this was the thing she’d been missing, and she’s been trying to change attitudes about it ever since.
She now hosts her podcast with her ex-partner Emily Matlack, 34, and her current partner Jase Lindgren, who she was once in a quad with, which also includes her once monogamous ex-boyfriend.
“We were a quad bike together,” she added. “My partner I lived with found Emily on a dating site. I then separately matched up with Jase, who was Emily’s partner at the time, and they lived together.
Three’s a crowd (and a relationship too): The trio promotes the polyamorous lifestyle and the benefits of having more than one partner
Live, Laugh, Love: Dedeker and Jase are still in a relationship, while Emily has had one partner for seven years now
“Emily and I clicked and we essentially became a four person relationship which was fantastic. We discussed making a podcast to talk about our experiences because we were so tired of answering everyone’s questions. The podcast has been expanded to be as inclusive as possible.
“We want to give people accurate, fact-based advice and suggestions on how to improve all relationships. It’s a labor of love.’
The quad itself fell apart, but Dedeker, Emily and Jase continued to host the Multiamory podcast together, for which they record a new episode every week. However, according to Dedeker, things have not always gone smoothly.
“It was a bad time to start the podcast when the drama started in our relationship,” she said. “Within the polyamorous community, quads are a bit notorious for being unreliable.”
She added: ‘It was really difficult. No one wants to experience a breakup and work with them as a business partner at the same time. The stuff we produced for the podcast really helped us put into practice ways of communicating and compassion.
Turning a New Page: The Hosts Release a Book – Multiamory: Essential Tools for a Modern Relationships – Designed for All Forms of Love
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Fast forward to today, Jase and I are still together and we both go out with other people. Emily has been in a monogamous relationship for the past seven years. Our experiences make the podcast more recognizable for the listeners.’
Though surprising given her role, Dedeker insists co-host Emily’s return to monogamy increased the Multiamory Podcast’s success.
‘We can create our own scripts for each relationship. It’s not just about sexual relationships, but also friendships and business relationships. Our tire is therefore much more robust and healthier. We’re an emotional triad co-parenting a podcast baby.”
Dedeker’s desire to help others find their true path in relationships stems from her own challenges when she came to her parents. Born in a deeply Christian environment, chastity was expected.
She said, “I didn’t want to pretend my partners didn’t exist or pick one and ignore the other, so I came out. We had the conversation and it certainly wasn’t fun – there were a lot of emotions coming up on both sides.
“My mother certainly won’t be the one waving the flag for polyamory, but luckily she’ll be waving the flag because I’m her daughter. I have lost no love.’
After developing a passion for helping others develop a better understanding of polyamory, Dedecker decided to quit her job as a model and belly dancer to start a new career in relationship coaching.
“My first experience practicing polyamory failed spectacularly,” she said.
“It was so painful and difficult, but I still came away thinking that this is who I should be. Because of this I wanted to reduce the shame and stigma and help more people feel more at ease and stronger in themselves.’
The podcast hosts are branching out into new ventures and releasing a book titled Multiamory: Essential Tools for a Modern Relationships.
It will be released on March 14, 2023 and is a communication guide for people in both monogamous and polyamorous partnerships.
Scientific research conducted by Professor Robin Dunbar of the University of Oxford suggests that people are naturally inclined to desire as many close relationships as possible.
The 75-year-old anthropologist created Dunbar’s Number, a model that demonstrates people’s acquaintances from “significant other” to “familiar face.”
A person’s desire for many intimate relationships depends on the size of the neocortex in the brain, the professor says – those in polyamorous circles tend to be larger because of this.