PLATELL’S PEOPLE: What value do the Sussexes have if they can’t be nasty about the royals? 

What a rotten few weeks it has been for Prince Harry. First, there was his desperate attempt to be at his grandmother’s bedside before she died, after wasting precious time trying to get Meghan on the plane to Balmoral.

And then there was the way he learned of her death from his father—who had desperately tried to contact him—just five minutes before it was announced to the world.

(Whatever his faults, no one can deny that Harry was a loving and beloved grandchild.)

Then we saw him frantically trying to delay the publication of his book about the supposedly abominable and racist royal family, perhaps for fear it would have a bad repercussion on him and Meghan.

Now comes the great revelation that the Sussexes are trying to postpone the December release of their multimillion-pound Netflix docuseries until next year. The show reportedly features commercials against his father – now the King, of course – his stepmother Camilla and his estranged brother and sister-in-law.

The point is that such attacks, as well as any indiscretions about the royal family, could damage the Sussex brand so soon after the Queen’s death – even in faraway America, where their real currency lies.

And yet, unfortunately for this embittered couple in their $14 million Montecito mansion, their worth depends on continuing to make such attacks.

What are Harry and Meghan worth if they aren’t spiteful about the Royals?

Would Netflix pay them $100 million to be nice to Charles, Camilla, William and Kate, and to piously tell us they care about the world?

The Queen’s death means their golden goose is well cooked for now. They can no longer just make money by telling ‘their truth’ about the beastly royals.

Meghan instead promises to inform us all about her and Harry’s love story.

Ambitious TV actress in an unknown Canadian TV series entangles a prince. Removes him from his family, his home, his heritage and everything he loves so he can become a lonely Netflix star. Many would call that a horror movie.

Controversial rapper Coolio, who has died aged 59, has had a career as colorful as his love life. Four children with his ex-wife Josefa and six more with other women. It’s gonna be a great funeral if they all show up.

Guess what can be sexy

Hooray for the candor of 52-year-old Bridget Jones actress Sally Phillips, who has said that menopause isn’t always a disaster, that for many women it can be “very sexy, you can get a huge libido surge,” and “you might feel a little la la for a few years, but you’ll get over it.”

And what a welcome slap in the face for the menopause police to say that while terrible for some, it’s not outright misery for every woman.

That’s a really bad hobbit, Lenny

Lenny Henry says the abuse he has received for his role in Amazon’s new The Lord Of The Rings series has come from viewers who are dissatisfied with so many actors from ethnic backgrounds.

Maybe they’re just attacking his ridiculously over-the-top portrayal of the gaunt Harfoot elder.

Our Lenny may have mastered Shakespeare’s Othello, but as Sadoc Burrows, he’s a joke—and not a funny one.

As we approach her final appearance as Doctor Who this month, actress Jodie Whittaker — who lost millions of viewers during her stewardship of the Tardis — says she can’t talk about her time as Time Lord without crying.

I cry tears of boredom as I watch your doctor, Jodie – then I don’t yell ‘Exterminate!’

One million viewers took out the first Strictly live show last Saturday, which ended up drawing the smallest audience in years. And no wonder.

I’m all for inclusivity, but how can petite dancer Karen Hauer lift her same-sex partner, hefty six feet in Jayde Adams, without getting injured?

Or waltz when she can’t even get her arm around Jayde’s body? It’s stupid.

Why don’t you go Jayde with a solid guy instead of someone of the same sex?

It’s a dance show, not a social experiment.

Let’s raise it for Lily

Aside from that error of judgment when she shared a scooter with Dominic West, Lily James has been impeccable – mesmerizing us in Cinderella, wowing us in Rebecca, Downton Abbey and Mamma Mia! Here we go again.

Now she arrives at the British Film Institute charity gala in a red backless dress and pats her behind.

If there was an Oscar for the most perfect butt, it would definitely go to our adorable Lily. Although Ms. Dominic West may not agree.

A jury acquitted then-24-year-old college student Imogen Brooke of forcing a man she met on a dating site to have sex with her.

One of the nuggets heard in court was the claim that her weight had made it impossible for her to straddle him, and that he had fallen asleep before they could share a feast of onion rings.

What a travesty when so many rape victims wait more than two years for their cases to go to trial.

Message to the King as Queen Margrethe of Denmark stripping four of her grandchildren of their princely titles: Time to do the same here.

Remove the “Princess” from Eugenie and Beatrice and call them what they are: Mrs. Eugenie Brooksbank, the wife of a tequila ambassador, and Mrs. Beatrice Mapelli Mozzi, married to a property developer so successful she’s still in a favour. and- favor apartment in St James’s Palace.

Westminster Wars

• After Jeremy Corbyn fails to get the Labor whip back, he vents his anger by playing a ‘Kill Thatcher’ video game at the party conference. Only a really twisted person would want to kill our first female prime minister, even in a game.

• Angela Rayner is confident that Labor will win the next election and that she will be Deputy Prime Minister, comparing herself to John Prescott ‘but looks better in a dress’. Horribly thought, but also improbable because the animosity between her and Keir is palpable, and he failed to mention her in his leader’s speech.

• Rather than racially mocking Kwasi Kwarteng, you would have thought Labor MP Rupa Huq would celebrate what they have in common: British-born children of migrants, private educators and Cambridge graduates. The difference is that her political career is now dead.

Mike Tindall says the Queen has approved the use of the utilitarian C-17 transport plane to transport her coffin to London, even though it was used to repatriate the bodies of British troops.

Her Majesty said, “If it’s good enough for my boys, it’s good enough for me.”

Beautiful.

Battle of the Becks (continued)

Brooklyn Beckham and Nicola Peltz attended Victoria’s show at Paris Fashion Week, after David read the riot act to his son.

Nic had hurt Vic’s feelings by saying that, contrary to rumors that she had turned down Posh, it had been VB who had refused to make her a wedding dress.

Well done to Becks for standing up for his wife, but isn’t there a strong whiff of Brand Beckham’s PR team milking this saga?

If you can get over Kenneth Branagh’s absurd prosthetics, there are touching moments in the new Sky series This England.

When Boris tries to call his four children with ex-wife Marina to wish them a Merry Christmas, nobody picks up.

And when Carrie gets pregnant, he doesn’t tell them until they read it in the press.

Boris not only lost his job as prime minister, but tragically he also lost the respect of his own children.

Virgin Atlantic has launched a new ad campaign, stating that male and female staff (if we can still call them that) can wear skirts or trousers or whatever, and that passengers can book with gender-neutral pronouns. Why fly through the ad with Virgin when I can do it cheaper elsewhere?