Our relationships counsellor answers your problems: My son is being blackmailed over his baby

Q My 39-year-old son fell in love with a Brazilian girl he met on Tinder. They talked for half a year, she said she loved him – and he went to South America to be with her for three months. Almost immediately (the first week!) she became pregnant. My son was delighted and full of plans for her to come to England to get married.

He was even happier when their son was born. Then came the postpartum depression and everything changed. She was critical and said hurtful things; she fluctuated between being loving and being spiteful. She refused to put my son’s name on the birth certificate.

A few months ago, he went to Brazil for two weeks to meet his child for the first time. He was allowed to see him twice, but had to stay in a hotel. Every day he was told he could see his baby, but then his girlfriend changed her mind. My son came home with a broken heart. He has sent her almost half of his wages since the baby was born.

Although she sent him videos and photos, she also “blocked” him for periods. She recently moved and refused to tell him her new address. She says if he doesn’t keep sending money, she’ll cut off all contact.

I love my son because he is honorable and wants to support his child, but it has become blackmail. He says he can’t give up his son, even though he thinks this woman is bad now. What should I do?

A I don’t think your son’s so-called girlfriend has postpartum depression. I fear the reality is that this baby is clearly not his. Unfortunately, it looks like he’s fallen victim to a scam – possibly with the help of the baby’s real father.

That his ‘girlfriend’ claimed to be pregnant within a week suggests so much. That she will not put him on the birth certificate speaks volumes. I’m sure she wouldn’t agree to a DNA test. I think you should talk to your son about the possibility that he has been scammed.

He may have a hard time accepting it at first, but over time it will come as a relief. He may feel rather stupid or naive. However, scammers usually target those who are nice. Instead, your son should be proud of his good heart.

But I suspect that before he met this woman, he may have been quite lonely. It sounds like she performed a very convincing act of being hugely in love with him until he was hooked. I really hope that once he realizes the truth, it will help him put this whole painful, horrible experience behind him – and start looking to the future.

He might want to consider counseling as both his confidence in women and his self-esteem must have taken a hit. He could try rela.org.uk, or ask his GP for a referral. He was also able to contact stepchange.org for help getting back on track financially.

I CAN’T UNDERSTAND MY SUCCESSFUL SISTER’S PARTY

Q I don’t want to go to my younger sister’s 60th birthday party. We get along well enough and haven’t argued since we were growing up – only she and her husband are rich and successful and she is incredibly glamorous. It is in stark contrast to my own life.

My husband and I still have a strong marriage of over 30 years, but have been through a lot of financial hardship and our daughter, whom we love very much, has been a huge challenge. My sister is oblivious to our problems and I find her a bit superficial. Her party will be full of her successful and stylish friends and I don’t know what to say to them.

A I wouldn’t blame you for telling a white lie to get out of it, but that would only make you feel guilty. Please stop dismissing your situation. A happy marriage with such stamina in the face of so many challenges is a huge success in itself – and an unfortunately elusive success for many.

You’d be surprised at how many “glamorous and successful” people often fight their own battles. High performance can mask deep insecurity, or the curse of perfectionism.

So wear a fabulous dress (borrowed if needed), dye your hair gray (even if it’s just temporarily), wear lots of perfume (it boosts the mood), and go with as much confidence as you can muster.

The best tip for parties is to ask questions – many people hate small talk and the most interesting conversations are those that dig a little deeper. Ask the guests what things have made them happiest or saddest in their lives. It can lead to interesting conversations.