As I drop another object on the bedroom floor, my daughter Sophie looks at me questioningly. We’re going through my closets so I can clean out and she can assess if there’s anything worth selling online.
Sophie is clearly perplexed by the sheer amount of stuff being thrown away. “Do you really want to get rid of all these things?” she muses in disbelief, holding up a size ten lilac Reiss number that I bought several years ago. Memorably (for me anyway) I wore it during my inaugural appearance on Question Time.
It’s not the only outfit to be jettisoned during this brutal cull – from the royal blue Max Mara dress, adorned with a gilded star belt, that I wore to a family wedding, to a yellow button-down gown studded with white roses and that , although only a few years old, would still give me plenty of summer parties.
It’s even time to say goodbye to Diane von Furstenberg – namely a navy blue checked DVF shirt dress – despite the fact that it was a gift from my husband Martin.
Don’t get me started on my tops. I’m especially sad to see a powder blue sweater end up on the decks, because it’s my favorite color.
In short, this was a large-scale blitz. Why? Simply put, my growing midlife bust no longer fits.
You see, in the past five years my bra size has increased from a decent C cup to a rather undesirable E, even though my hips and waist have remained unchanged.
If I stuff myself into these outfits, everyone nearby could be in mortal danger if a stray button flies into their eye.
Having a Jessica Rabbit-style blossoming bosom may serve Kim Kardashian well, but I look a little too close to Les Dawson dressed as a woman, complete with a coffin from which you could serve dinner.
Luckily, for my own sanity, I’m not alone. Many women have testified that after once being in proportion, in their late forties they are suddenly forced to give up their strings of lingerie for bras that can double as hammocks.
A recent study found that one in five women experience an increase in breast size after menopause. Yes, breasts change with The Change.
When estrogen levels drop, breast tissue becomes less dense and fattier. This is made worse by the fact that breasts are more prone to weight gain as we age, as dormant milk ducts shrink and are replaced by fat.
Angela Epstein says her bra size has increased from C cup to E cup over the past five years, even though her hips and waist have remained unchanged
Angela before she went through menopause and got her ‘midlife’ breast
Angela poses in a pink dress during a holiday in the Greek countryside
If that’s not challenging enough, larger midlife busts are more prone to sagging as the skin loses elasticity and the collagen that prevents sagging rapidly declines.
This limpness even has a medical name. Hello, breast ptosis! Apparently a woman with heavy breasts can see her nipples drop four inches. Yes, you read that correctly. As if this weren’t depressing enough, breast fat is extremely resistant to diet and exercise: once it’s there, it doesn’t go away. Or at least it is very difficult to get rid of it.
All of this goes some way to explaining why many women in their 50s start storing fat when they haven’t done so before.
As far as I’m concerned, the sudden onset of a heaving décolleté at my stage of life brings serious challenges. On a younger woman it might be seen as sexy, but it just makes me look matronly.
A good friend, who now has a rather magnificent embon point, is really struggling with the unwanted attention it brings. ‘I’m 54 and I don’t want people to look at my breasts because they are so ‘out there’. It’s terrible.’
And now that summer is here, the situation is only getting more embarrassing as rising temperatures mean all those classic camouflage sweaters or jackets have to be left behind.
Recently I was looking at some photos from a wonderful trip to Greece. The landscape looks beautiful against an unparalleled blue sky. Yet all I could see was the ghost of Carry On star Hattie Jacques as I posed for the camera in my pink T-shirt dress.
Even as I try to ignore my hefty midlife chest, I’m reminded of it when I see an equally bouncy friend at a recent wedding.
My friend, who isn’t the “look at me” type, wore a beautiful dress with a pleated skirt and flattering sculpted arms. Unfortunately, the view from the waist up was inescapably Himalayan. Even I couldn’t help but stare.
So what am I going to do about it? It’s certainly a costly situation, as good supportive bras don’t come cheap. I just spent almost $100 at a specialty store after repeatedly asking the sales associate about anything that could hold me back.
Her response: “We can give you a better shape, but size is size.” Nice.
So I’ve decided that distraction and compromise is the only way forward. I’m not considering surgery. This is not a judgment on others, but I could never voluntarily go under the knife.
(There are plenty, though. According to the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons, size reduction procedures now account for 40 percent of all breast surgeries, an increase of more than a quarter in three years.)
Otherwise, there are exercises that focus on strengthening the chest and back muscles. This, rather than reducing size, will help improve posture, better support the breasts and relieve any discomfort.
Of course, I could do what fashion designer Amanda Wakeley recommends and embrace my curves. One top style tip: choose a crew neck or a V-neck to expose more of the neck and elongate your proportions. “Emphasize those curves, don’t hide them,” says Amanda. ‘Most importantly, enjoy your belongings with confidence!’
So I take another look at the pile of discarded clothes on the floor before finally handing them over to my daughter for her online sale.
Time to glory in my possessions? My courage is failing me. I decide I’d rather accept the new reality of my midlife chest and opt for flowy tops and loose shirts. I think I can still look polished and trendy without looking like a tattoo on a sailor’s arm.
Let’s hope all those buyers on Vinted or eBay enjoy the sale and cherish my once prized purchases – while they still can. No booby prizes are allowed.
A version of this article was originally published by the Mail on July 15