Oh the glorious, candy-colored irony! The Barbie movie was a steaming pink pile of neon man-hate that glorified women – but only Ken gets the Oscars nod… And no one is laughing harder than KENNEDY
Dirty blonde man Ryan Gosling, who played Ken in the summer blockbuster Barbie, is furious that the Oscars have snubbed his co-star and director.
Greta Gerwig and Margot Robbie were not nominated for Best Director or Best Actress.
The horror!
In addition, the Academy named Gosling Best Supporting Actor, which – in accordance with Barbie’s code of honor – forced him to undergo ritual self-flagellation.
“There’s no Ken without Barbie, and there’s no Barbie movie without Greta Gerwig and Margot Robbie…” he said in a breathless statement to the media.
That goes for a lot of movies, Ryan.
You also need cameramen and caterers!
Do they deserve a golden statue?
It’s hard to imagine how Gosling’s “everybody gets a prize” standard would work in practice. But what else should we expect from a plastic man without genitals?
You can almost hear the young gosling’s insufferable snorting, which of course is completely disingenuous unless he leaves out his name.
Do you want to overthrow the patriarchy, boy? Keep your name out of the mouths of the Academy voters, hero!
Dirty blonde man Ryan Gosling, who played Ken in the summer blockbuster Barbie, is furious that the Oscars have snubbed his co-star and director. Greta Gerwig and Margot Robbie were not nominated for Best Director or Best Actress.
The Academy named Gosling Best Supporting Actor, which – in keeping with Barbie’s code of honor – forced him to undergo ritual self-flagellation.
But perhaps the juiciest and most satisfying irony of all this is that the helpless, idiotic boy doll got the award, while the proud, brave Barbie girls got nothing.
And I thought only The Handmaid’s Tale was a true story.
The cruel global cabal of misogynistic film critics has triumphed again!
Oh please, I can’t stop laughing.
I have to admit, I didn’t watch Barbie this summer because I was busy with literally everything I could think of.
The massive $150 million marketing blitzkrieg (more than the $145 million production budget!) made it all feel very cult-like – and when audiences turn one way, I tend to turn the other.
It became forbidden for anyone – let alone a cis white man (hiss) – to utter anything but words of praise. And when fuchsia-clad fanatics lined up screaming with delight for the early premieres – that was it for me.
But last night I finally gave in to the belated Pepto Bismol hype, amid the growing furor over fake dollies receiving a very real disapproval.
Honestly, I wanted to love it. I wanted to feel equal with the strength and hope of cotton candy girls.
Instead, I was robbed of two hours of my life by a Hollywood amalgam of “Legally Blonde” and “Everything Everywhere All At Once,” extruded onto the screen in a steaming neon pile of zero-sum misandry.
Where is the Girl Code manual that says you have to hate men to achieve gender equality?
Barbie’s fake dream world is as measly as Care Bears and as empty as her teacup.
I can’t believe I’m writing this, but… the Academy is right. This movie is kind of stupid.
Perhaps the juiciest and most satisfying irony of all this is that the helpless, idiotic boy doll got the award, while the proud, brave Barbie girls got nothing.
The massive $150 million marketing blitzkrieg (more than the $145 million production budget!) made it all feel very cult-like – and when audiences turn one way, I tend to turn the other.
The sets and colors were no more vibrant than SpongeBob SquarePants (with far less laughter and less depth).
Why wasn’t that cinematic masterpiece blessed with an Oscar nod?
Tom Kinney’s SpongeBob is Tom Hanks compared to Margot Robbie. But you don’t hear Patrick Star whining and sniffling like Gosling did about his rejected castmates.
The direction was… fine. The script was… what you’d expect from a Mattel-sponsored doll-a-thon.
And America Ferrara did a great job of giving a courageous speech that tickled all the right hot spots on identity politics and on the impossibility of being a woman, which I think means having two genders again and fighting for equality in life and, oh I don’t know, sports?
The left jumps into the fray to demand an awards show just for Barbie, but they’re actually in favor of a movie that tries to maintain the traditional gender status quo. How revolutionary!
Worse, a barrage of irrelevant power hunters are using this moment to neuter half of society.
Join our favorite biggest loser, the eternal female victim, Hillary Clinton.
She wrote this vomit-worthy post on X because she hates missing her spot at the pity party:
Greta and Margot,
While it may be tough to win at the box office but not to take home the gold, your millions of fans love you.
You are both so much more than Kenough.
#HillaryBarbie
Wait for it, the American pantsuit. You are not a victim of the big bad patriarchy.
Wait for it, the American pantsuit.
You are not a victim of the big bad patriarchy.
Dry your eyes and blame your own terrible instincts, belligerence, unlikability and sloppy politics. And do I need to talk about bullying your husband’s sexual abuse accuser?
Rah, rah sisterhood!
Hillary single-handedly set women back in politics a generation, and trying to water her dry reputation with Barbie phantom tears is sickeningly desperate.
If only James Comey and those Latvian bone farms hadn’t thwarted poor Barbie!
Now can I please have my two hours back while I rewatch Oppenheimer?