No wonder young single women are lonelier than ever. Where is their community? | Georgina Lawton

ILoneliness is often seen as an “old people” problem, something that affects us much later in life. But facts published last month shows that single women disproportionately affected because of this little discussed topic.

Researchers found that loneliness follows a U-shaped pattern: It rises in early and late adulthood, but drops during middle age, when many of us are preoccupied with families, relationships and building careers. But for single women who don’t follow this trend, self-reported loneliness is disproportionately high.

I fit squarely into this category, and I’ve definitely felt lonely over the past few years. It’s not surprising when you consider the realities of single life today. Women in big cities are now being advised to move elsewhere to find a suitable partner or affordable housing. Having children is increasingly out of reach for those who aren’t wealthy, and any form of socializing in our high-cost, post-pandemic economy feels like a luxury. For those of us who are single by choice, who don’t want kids and aren’t dating, the constant gendered expectations of what life should look like at any given point can feel relentless and isolating—and often at the expense of community.

The latest research ties in with the findings of the Campaign to End Lonelinesswhich found that women are more likely to be chronically lonely than men, and that 16- to 29-year-olds are twice as likely to be chronically lonely than those over 70. Of course, older people in the UK are also at high risk of extreme loneliness, but it is telling that the face of this loneliness epidemic is increasingly shifting towards young people and women.

For both young and old, loneliness is subjective and stems from the gap between what we hope for and what we get in our personal relationships. For young women, feelings of loneliness are undoubtedly exacerbated by the gap between societal expectations of dating, life, and family, and the reality in which many of us live. Patriarchal societies not only disenfranchise single people, but also punish people for not fitting into cultural gender norms.

There are tax breaks for married couples, while singles end up paying a premium to go on holiday alone. Add to that the fact that so many of our social interactions now take place online rather than in person, to the detriment of those important nuances around intimacy and communication, That makes it harder to form authentic connections, and I can understand why so many young women are disappointed with their reality.

In my mid-twenties, I was definitely struggling with fitting in. I was grieving the loss of my father, bouncing between unstable relationships and flatshares in London, and struggling with my sense of self and identity. My loneliness was so acute that it felt like a backpack I carried with me everywhere I went. It didn’t help that so many people around me seemed to settle effortlessly into romantic relationships and stable graduate jobs, while I was a struggling freelancer and often single.

But in the past few years, I’ve been living in Lisbon, a smaller, sunnier city, and I finally started to shake off the need to compare myself to others. My friends were closer and last-minute plans were easy to make. I created a community and socialized with carefree abandon in Lisbon, found many single girlfriends and started writing retreats for women of color.

I’m back in London now. Although I know my way around here and how things work (booking friends three weeks in advance is still the norm, sadly), I’m wary of loneliness rearing its ugly head again. But post-pandemic, there seems to be a better understanding of loneliness and the importance of taking steps to combat it. There’s been a thriving market for niche meet-up groups in recent years, which gives me hope, and single women have options. There are singles dining clubs (I recently went to one in Notting Hill called Magicwhich was great), women’s book clubs, anti dating app encounterssip-and-paints for people of color, LGBTQ+ run clubs, and more. I’ve made a list of things I want to try and I also plan on volunteering as a mentor for young women. For me, combating loneliness is all about finding meaningful connections.

Navigating the learning curves of your late 20s and early 30s can feel overwhelming, especially within the context of what’s traditionally expected of young women. But even if it sounds cliché, it’s important to invest energy in your own life, build community, and tune out the background noise, as well as remain optimistic—no matter how unfounded—that something better and better is always just around the corner.

• Georgina Lawton is the author of Raceless: In Search of Family, Identity, and the Truth About Where I Belong