Manchester United were forced to travel here by bus. They tried to park him in their own penalty area, put him in reverse and at the end were surveying the damage from a car accident, which shows how far behind the other United, Newcastle's, they have fallen . magnificently.
It is remarkable to think that this victory alone, thanks to Anthony Gordon's excellent goal in the second half, lifted Eddie Howe's team above their visitors in the Premier League. Now, for the first time in more than a century, Newcastle have beaten Man United in three straight games. We could have played another hundred years and you wouldn't have expected Man United to score. For once the problems did not lie with their goalkeeper.
Erik Ten Hag spent a large part of his preparation for the match answering questions about Andre Onana. He answered one by continuing to believe in him. One comment following his latest disaster at Galatasaray suggested Onana could be football's first 'fake'. Cruel, but not without justification.
It wasn't just in Manchester where they were talking about the goalkeeper. Howe, just as Onana can shoot at his target, had sidestepped a question about him. He preferred to talk about his players and how fantastic they were in a game they controlled from start to finish.
Anthony Gordon gave Newcastle a 1-0 victory after sneaking in at the back post in the second half
The English youth star ensured that the Magpies recovered from a disappointment at PSG in midweek
Nick Pope was subbed off late in the match to aggravate Eddie Howe's injury headache
The only surprise was that it took 55 minutes to score and that was the only goal. Bruno Guimaraes found the overlapping Kieran Trippier and he sent a first-time cross through the goalmouth, where Gordon was the only taker. He converted at the far post after stealing two yards off the shoulder of a sleeping Aaron Wan-Bissaka.
This was Gordon's sixth of the season. That he only scored seven during his entire time at Everton shows the improvement under Howe. The winger may have been an interested spectator at the 2024 European Championship draw a few hours before kick-off.
In this form he should definitely get a cap during the March internationals. Howe has challenged him to add goals to his game and at St James' in particular it feels like a basketball being dropped into a golf hole for the 22-year-old.
Who would leave Gareth Southgate out, given his wealth of talent in those broad areas? Well, if he was watching this from Hamburg, he had his answer: Marcus Rashford.
The Man United striker lasted just over an hour and you got the impression that 62 minutes were too much for him. His body language shortly before he became hooked was telling, slowing to a sulky walk after Gordon escaped him on the left. However, he never rode more than a gallop at first.
There he came, together with the equally ineffective Anthony Martial, who had rowed with Ten Hag in the first half. That was more fight than he showed at any other time.
To think that Martial just misses Eric Cantona with 64 goals in the Premier League, having played 65 more games than his French compatriot. Did he ever look character level here? No chance. Literally no chance for the centre-forward. This match was played on the other side of the park.
Fortunately for Onana, his first involvement was with his feet. Diogo Dalot's back pass to the keeper was Man United's only completed pass in the opening four minutes as the home side monopolized possession.
Even with a hundred years of playing time left, you wouldn't have thought Man United would destroy Newcastle's defence
Eddie Howe's side have weathered the challenges of Chelsea and Man United while hampered by injuries
Onana would have used his hands quickly had he not fluttered towards Trippier's high corner after seven minutes. Dalot, meanwhile, clearly had little confidence in his teammate's glovework and stole from Onana's grasp in the goalmouth. The ball bounced off the defender's arm – a penalty, if you're in Paris – but the home appeal was rightly waved away.
A report of this match will show that Man United had the first shot on target, but that was extremely misleading. It felt like they needed written permission to cross the center line. Still, Alejandro Garnacho should have scored when he was sent clear by Bruno Fernandes.
The winger hesitated, as if he didn't want to shoot. Perhaps the scorer of last week's spectacular bicycle kick prefers the ball above his head outside the penalty area, rather than at his feet inside it. By the time he steered, the corner was against him and Pope blocked with his feet.
The spider camera that spun a web above the pitch needed all eight of its legs to keep up with Newcastle during their early blitz. They were ruthless in their pursuit of an opening goal.
Howe is actually working with just eleven players at the moment, evidenced by the fact that the same team has been named in the three games since the international break. So it was quite remarkable to see the energy and aggression that they showed here.
“Let's fucking give it to them,” Howe said before April's 2-0 win over the same opponent in St. James. That quote, captured by Amazon's documentary cameras, was celebrated on a giant flag before kickoff. It felt like the head coach had given the exact same team talk.
Thirteen home shots were scored before halftime. The frustration for Howe was that there was only one save from Onana, and what a great stop it was. Miguel Almiron sent a low send through the bodies for the bottom corner, only to be met by the diving Cameroonian, who sniffed his line.
Alexander Isak came into this with five goals from his last five in the competition, but the ball eluded him when Fabian Schar dropped a ball on his boot inside the six-yard box and a glorious chance was lost.
The Swede made a much better connection moments later from the same position, but Harry Maguire, who went to the ground, went wide. Jamaal Lascelles headed inches over from the corner. The closest Newcastle came to a deserved breakthrough came after 39 minutes when Trippier beat the wall but not the crossbar with a free-kick from 25 yards.
Ten Hag would have been relieved when he heard the half-time whistle, but what instruction he would give a team that was so clearly in second place was a mystery, just like the result.
There was a late Man United rally when Pope had to leave with a shoulder injury, but his replacement Martin Dubravka did not have to make a save. It wasn't likely he ever would either.