New Year is the trickiest time of the year for relationships – here are the 13 ways to save YOUR marriage from a breakup

January is known as divorce month – when an emotionally charged atmosphere combines with intense financial pressure to create the perfect conditions for marital collapse.

According to the law practice of Goldberg Jones, divorce filings increase 33 percent from January through March, while online searches for “divorce” and related terms like “divorce party” also see a spike.

However, it's likely that the cracks were visible long before either or both parties started Googling “child custody.”

In her new book, 13 things mentally strong couples don't doBestselling author and psychotherapist Amy Morin has identified the key characteristics that can ensure your relationship will survive into 2024.

1. Don't ignore your problems

According to the Couples by the Numbers Survey, 47 percent of people don't bring up their problems because they fear they will make things worse.

Amy advises couples to define the problem and ask: Should I solve it, or solve how I feel about it? Then make a plan to solve the problem.

Common traps: Waiting for the perfect moment to address an issue, bringing up the same issue over and over again, and using the silent treatment when a difficult topic comes up.

2. Don't keep secrets

Forty percent of people believe that their partner keeps secrets. 'Healthy relationships are based on trust. All it takes is one secret to undermine that,” says Amy. So decide and agree on the difference between secrecy and privacy.

Common traps: Being overprotective, sharing your partner's secret with someone else and being brutally honest, for example by sharing opinions about your partner that will hurt him or her unnecessarily.

3. Don't hesitate to set boundaries

Thirty-four percent of couples disagree on the rules and boundaries they should set for their extended family.

For boundaries with your partner and outside your relationship, as well as your partner's boundaries inside and outside the relationship, ask yourself: Are they healthy – or are they too rigid or too loose?

Common traps: Confusing boundaries with controlling behavior, and setting limits when emotions run too high. “Remember that you don't have to like or agree with boundaries to respect them,” Amy advises.

4. Don't become martyrs

Forty-seven percent of people feel resentment about all the work they do and the sacrifices they make for their relationships.

Practice asking for help and accepting it. Reframe your thoughts from this unrealistic thought: No one ever helps me; to this realistic thought: sometimes people are willing to help, especially when I ask for it.

And from this unrealistic thought: my partner can't help because they never do anything right; on this realistic thought: I could let my partner help and they might do things differently than I do.

Common traps: You disagree on what should be done and you refuse to accept kindness from each other.

5. Don't use your emotions as weapons

Thirty-seven percent of people think their partner uses emotions like anger and sadness as a manipulation tactic.

Create emotional rules for your home. For example, is it okay to slam doors when you are angry? “It's important to take responsibility for your own feelings while also letting your partner take responsibility for theirs,” says Amy.

Common traps: Not believing in the other person's genuine expression of emotions and confusing feelings with behavior (i.e. it is okay to be angry, but it is not okay to become aggressive).

6. Don't try to improve each other

Thirty-six percent of people say their partner tries to fix things they don't like about them.

Express your concerns about your partner in a loving way so that you focus on influencing them rather than solving them.

Remember: Look for “wishes and dips,” because motivation doesn't come in a straight line, Amy advises.

Common traps: Don't use stealth and deceit to change your partner or force him or her to adopt your way of changing.

7. Don't communicate disrespectfully

Thirty-six percent of people say their partners are sometimes rude, condescending, or disrespectful.

Avoid what relationship researcher John Gottman identified as “the four horsemen”: the communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

“A few more examples of disrespectful communication include using your phone when your partner is talking to you, not consulting your partner before making an important decision, interrupting, and swearing,” Amy adds.

Common traps: Passive aggressive communication and hissing through your teeth.

8. Don't blame each other for your problems

Sixty-four percent of people blame their partner for their lack of happiness.

Guilt is a great defense mechanism to protect your ego, but you must learn to take responsibility for your own happiness.

“Even if the mess isn't your fault, it can still be your responsibility to dig yourself out,” says Amy.

'Joining forces to fight the problem together by developing an us versus the problem mentality.'

Common traps: Think all or nothing and look for allies.

9. Don't forget why you fell in love

Thirty-six percent of people wonder why they stay with their partner in the first place.

Remember why you fell in love and talk about your love story.

Look at your partner's photo to evoke good feelings and maintain a healthy perspective. Assume that your partner's intentions come from a good place.

Common traps: Don't demand public declarations of love or bring up the past as a way to insult your partner.

10. Don't expect the relationship to meet all your needs

Thirty-nine percent say their partner expects more emotional support than they can provide.

So identify each other's needs and discuss any differences you see from this list: admiration, affection, intimate conversations, domestic support, family involvement, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment.

Then ask for what you need, but also recognize how fulfilling some of your needs yourself makes you stronger.

Common traps: Trying to meet all your partner's needs and justifying bad behavior.

11. Don't neglect your partnership

Fifty percent of people say they sometimes feel neglected by their partner.

“Text messages, apps, emails, and social media alerts draw your attention to your phone and not your partner,” Amy warns.

Confirm your commitment often, use 'we talk' and develop and maintain relationship rituals, for example going to brunch together every Sunday.

Common traps: Thinking that you will have time to spend together later in life and assuming that your partner will understand if you don't prioritize your relationship.

12. Don't take each other for granted

Fifty-three percent of people say their partner sometimes takes them for granted.

Observe, assess and reassess your partner during his usual activities.

Reframe judgmental reviews with compassionate reviews.

For example, an assessment could be: he never forgets to pick up the things I ask him to do at the store. But the reassessment could be: he's had a busy day and it's sometimes hard to remember things.

“If you change the way you think, you can also change how you feel and behave,” says Amy.

Common traps: Combining compliments with criticism and doing things to gain recognition.

13. Don't stop growing and changing

Twenty-five percent of people worry that their partner won't like them as much if they make big changes.

There may be selfish motives for not wanting your partner to make positive changes, so pay attention to your emotional reactions and assumptions.

For example, your partner wants to go back to college, and your emotional response may be frustration, and you may have thoughts like they are going to waste a lot of money. Then you might assume that they will take a few lessons and then stop.

'We rarely tell our partners what our assumptions are. But becoming a better version of yourself can help you become a better person in your relationship,” says Amy.

Common traps: Supporting bad ideas and confusing silence with support.

13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don't Do was published by William Morrow