‘Nno one tells you this!” That was my slogan for the first year of my now almost three year old’s life. I would say it non-stop. No one tells you that you will hallucinate in the first few months after giving birth due to lack of sleep. No one tells you how much time you’ll spend thinking about a baby’s bowel movements. No one tells you how explosive those bowel movements can be.
Finally, after much complaining, I came to the sheepish realization that people Doing tell you this stuff. They tell you all the time. I just hadn’t listened. Let’s face it: When you’re not actively trying to reproduce, there’s nothing more boring than hearing about other people’s children’s digestive problems or nighttime routines.
A fun fact that people probably told me, but that I didn’t really think about at the time, is that being a parent (especially of a toddler who goes to daycare) means getting sick. continual. Children are disgusting: for example, they lick the playground slide and put sticks found on the street in their mouths. And then they hang out with a bunch of other wild kids and cough on each other. Then they cough on you. A study has shown that having a child makes you five times more likely to contract a viral infection in the household as someone who does not have children.
All this to say: I’ve been sick a lot lately. My body – never quite a temple – has been turned into a crumbling ruin. So on January 1, I, along with several million other people, decided to make some drastic changes and embarked on a Serious Wellness Regime. I stopped drinking and started taking a bunch of supplements and probiotics (because gut health is all the rage right now). Then I sat back and waited as my skin glowed, my energy levels skyrocketed, my good gut bacteria multiplied, and my immune system developed an iron-clad defense system.
Almost four months later I’m still waiting. Unfortunately, my wellness journey has had some setbacks. Taylor Swift is partly responsible for this. You see, a few years ago Swift told an interviewer that she swears by magnesium supplements. Magnesium immediately became highly sought after, creating viral concoctions like the “sleepy girl mocktail” and spawning evangelists, including a friend of mine who recently told me it had changed her life. Naturally, I immediately started mainstreaming things. What I didn’t realize is that there are multiple types of magnesium and if you get the oxide form instead of the glycinate form, it is basically a laxative and will destroy your stomach. I won’t go into the gruesome details. I’m just saying that I have now stopped taking magnesium. Thank you very much for that, Taylor.
Look, I’m not completely idiot. I know that supplements are not some magical cure for all ailments. Of course I also tried to eat vegetables and exercise. Unfortunately, I had to take an extended break from the gym due to public humiliation. Have you ever had an anxiety dream where you are naked in public and your clothes are nowhere to be seen? I’ve had that dream so many times that I accidentally manifested it into reality. (For some reason this never happens with my good dreams.) About a month ago I spent so long in the sauna – which is supposed to improve blood circulation and strengthen your immune system – that I got a heat stroke and completely forgot where I had been sitting. my clothes. As red as a lobster and wearing only a towel, I checked every locker before calling for help. Finally, after an argument where every member of staff entered the changing room, my clothes were found. My dignity was not.
However, of all my wellness failures, I’ll tell you the one change that actually made a positive difference: drastically reducing my alcohol consumption. My sleep has gotten a million times better; my anxiety has improved. Annoyingly, it turns out that alcohol is not that good for you. Why doesn’t anyone ever tell you that?
Arwa Mahdawi is a Guardian columnist
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