My wife is refusing to go back to work after giving birth – she says she wants to bond with the baby but I think she’s just being LAZY

Dear Jane,

My wife gave birth to our wonderful son two years ago and has been taking care of him at home ever since. She always talked about going back to work after six months of maternity leave, which turned into a year, which then turned into 18 months…and two years later here we are.

I understood at first, I really did. She wanted to bond with our son and not feel like she had to rush back to work before she was ready. But now it feels like she really can’t be bothered to actually get up and do anything.

She sits with him all day watching TV, she doesn’t bother to do chores around the house while she’s home, and I feel like I’m the only one who actually does anything to contribute to the household.

It would be one thing if she actually did things around the house like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, but it seems to me like she just embraced a life of pure laziness and doesn’t want to give it up.

She claims childcare is so expensive it would cost us more to get her back to work, but right now the extra cost would be worth it to me to see her get off her ass and take some action.

International best-selling author offers sage advice on the most burning issues of DailyMail.com readers in her weekly column Dear Jane agony aunt

I know if I say this to her candidly she will accuse me of cruelty – but I’m not sure how to properly get the message across without her seeing me as the villain?

By,

Mr Motivator

Dear Mr Motivator,

Is it possible that your wife is suffering from postpartum depression? I ask this because it seems like your wife is going through something more than, as you put it, sheer laziness after giving birth.

Given that she worked before having your son, I assume she’s a capable woman, probably quite used to juggling a number of things, meaning her current behavior doesn’t suit her character.

I think it’s fair to say that people don’t suddenly get lazy for no reason. Not only does childbirth wreak havoc on our hormones, it can also lead to severe depression, some of the features of which are, well, little we can do other than watch television in the house.

It’s a seismic shift to become a mother for the first time. While some women take it like clockwork, others have a much harder time, and common symptoms of depression include withdrawal from family and friends, overwhelming fatigue, and loss of energy.

She may be struggling with the fear of not being a good mother, and all the guilt and shame that comes with it.

Be that as it may, it sounds very much to me that your wife needs help, and that what you consider laziness is actually something more going on, which she is probably completely unaware of. Of course, which is the terrible thing about depression, the longer it lasts, the more normal it becomes, and it’s easy to forget that life doesn’t have to feel that way.

You are right to intervene. Lovingly tell her that you’re worried that she’s not the woman she was before she gave birth, that she seems overwhelmed, and that you’re concerned that there’s an underlying problem.

Seeing her health care provider would be my first suggestion, for a complete blood work. They can then work out a plan of action, whether it’s visiting a counselor or taking medication.

This is much more normal than you might expect, and I imagine everyone, you, your son, and your wife, will be thrilled when she finds her way back to herself.

Dear Jane,

I’m getting married next year, which is an absolute dream, except for one nightmare: the dress.

I’ve always known the style of clothing I want to wear and was so excited to go out and find my perfect design. But when I told my mom about it, she literally begged me to wear the dress she wore when she married my late father, and told me how much it would mean to her to have part of their ceremony in mine.

I totally understand its meaning and how much it would mean to her to see me in her dress, but it’s nothing like the style I wanted to wear. It’s frumpy, it doesn’t suit my body type, and it’s totally outdated — and not in a “cool” retro way.

I suggested that maybe I could use the fabric from her dress to make my own design, but she burst into tears at the mere thought of me cutting up her dress.

I don’t want to hurt her feelings or make her feel like I don’t care…but my wedding should be the one day I can be a little selfish, right?

By,

bridal break

best bridal break,

Your wedding is indeed about you and your husband, and I think you can find a way to honor your father on that day without having to wear a hideous dress.

Sit your mom down and tell her that it’s important to you that you honor your dad – and their wedding ceremony (if you think this is true) – and make a list of ways you can do this.

You could have a picture of your parents on their wedding day on a special table, play their wedding song or other special song, or incorporate the same flowers into your bouquet.

These are all ways to give a nod to her special day, but since this is your special day now, the dress is off limits.

If her feelings are hurt, remind her of all the other ways you can honor your father and get the conversation going.

You are not responsible for your mother’s hurt feelings for not agreeing to an unreasonable demand.