My wife insists that we have to combine our bank accounts now that we’re married. We are both in our second marriages and haven’t really talked about how we wanted to handle the finances because we were quite relaxed about our future lives and because our children were almost grown.
I feel resistance to the idea, but I’m not sure why. She hasn’t been irresponsible with money or anything like that. It’s more about the timing of her request that makes me feel uncomfortable.
It fits her character very well to be on top of everything, but sometimesMes it’s too much. We both earn a decent salary, but she is frustrated by my resistance to pooling our funds. I’m also annoyed that I can’t get to the bottom of why her wish for us to help with the finances bothers me so much.
AW via email
Vicky Reynal says that while merging finances represents deeper intimacy, trust and a united front for some people, for others it can feel like a loss of independence (image from models)
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: First of all, let me commend you for pausing to think before making a decision on something that clearly feels important.
I think you’ve already identified some important clues as to what might be going on.
You mention that your wife’s request to combine bank accounts makes you uncomfortable, even though she is not irresponsible with money.
What strikes me is that her timing and the way she presented the idea seem to have made a difference in you. This may be about merging accounts, but we still need to investigate whether her demand has played on your fear of what marriage entails.
Vicky Reynal suggests exploring options such as keeping your own accounts for personal expenses and a joint account for shared expenses
If you were concerned that it would be a slippery slope of demands, then from a ‘practical’ point of view you might interpret a request as a more onerous demand – for more effort from you, more resources, and so on.
Have you wondered what combining accounts means for you? For some people it represents deeper intimacy, trust and a united front. But for others it can feel like a loss of independence, a kind of financial annexation that signals a shift in control or freedom.
What emotion do you feel in response to this request? Is it anger or mistrust? Is it fear or a feeling of overwhelm? It may help to explain what it is that is triggering you. Imagine if you had to draw it in a vignette: what emotion would your character express (fear, anger?) and what action would they take? Protectively holding on to their money or wanting to flee from everything?
Try to identify which part of you has raised a red flag. Is it a young part of you that has seen parents argue endlessly over finances and wants to prevent the same thing from happening in your relationship? Is it a part of you that struggles to trust others (when it comes to money, or more generally) and that from your first marriage you fear that partners will ultimately be exploitative and selfish?
Or is it a part of you that needs some degree of autonomy in relationships, otherwise they will feel ‘suffocated’ or over-controlled?
Regarding the latter, you said that your wife can be “on top of it” and that sometimes it feels like too much. This is an important clue. Could her request to merge the finances come across as one of those moments when her efficiency, or need for order, infringes on your sense of autonomy?
Maybe you’re worried that her request for joint accounts will give her access to a whole new area of your life in which you’ve felt a fair degree of freedom until now.
It may help to explore what you think you are being asked to give up. Is it your financial privacy? The feeling of control over your own income? Or maybe it’s the fear of losing a buffer between your individual identities in this new chapter.
For some people, combining bank accounts feels symbolic – like crossing a final threshold from “I” to “we.”
You may want to have a conversation with your wife where you can explain that you would like some time to better understand why you are resisting this request. If you’ve determined that you’re afraid of giving up autonomy, you can express that to her and explore options together, such as keeping a separate account for personal expenses and a joint account for shared expenses.
There are several options for compromises that could work.
Finally, be kind to yourself. It is normal to feel conflicted about a choice that is not only practical but can also be highly symbolic. At the beginning of a marriage, we are still adjusting and processing the idea of what it all means to have made a commitment to the other person – regardless of your age. Finding a balance that works for both parties in terms of proximity and autonomy is a long process with no right or wrong answers. What certainly helps is open communication and leaving room for different insights.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk