My wife gained 50 pounds after giving birth — and I’m not attracted to her anymore

Dear Jane,

My wife and I had our first baby two years ago – and since she gave birth, our sex life has ceased to exist. Initially, after the pregnancy and delivery, I wanted to give her time to get comfortable with intimacy again.

But when she told me she was ready to try and get back to our pre-baby sex life, I found myself really struggling because I just wasn’t attracted to her anymore.

I love my wife, but she has let herself go since she had our son. Obviously, weight gain during pregnancy is inevitable, but it felt like she stopped caring how she looked during that time. She stopped wearing makeup, she started eating a lot of junk, and those habits haven’t really changed since our little boy was born.

She recently told me that she has gained 50 pounds since her pre-baby days. And the terrible truth is that I just don’t find taller women attractive. I fell for my wife because she was slim and athletic. She was so proud of her body and her fitness, and now that woman seems to be gone forever.

When she wants to have sex I find myself making excuses because honestly I just don’t want to. I don’t know how to tell her she just doesn’t do it for me anymore.

She’s been a great mother to our son and I admire that a lot about her, but I think sex is a really important part of any marriage and I don’t see myself going on like this for much longer.

How can I be honest with her without her hating me?

Van, weighted

Dear Weighted,

It is indeed quite horrifying to read that you fell for your wife because she was slim and athletic and so proud of her body and fitness. No mention of her personality, humor, shared interests or indeed anything other than the superficial.

I wonder what would happen if she had an accident that left her disfigured – or how you would feel if she lost a limb.

I needn’t be so hard to wonder, because it seems rather that you married your wife for superficial reasons, for the most part.

Falling in love with someone means the whole package; it’s not just how they look or how much makeup they wear, but the whole set and kaboodle. And loving someone means accepting them as they are, as they were and as they will be.

Maybe the reason she no longer cares about makeup or how she looks is because she’s unhappy. She may be subconsciously using her weight gain to push you away. Overeating can often be a way to cope with unhappiness or numb feelings of pain.

Either way, none of us stay the same through the years.

Women’s bodies change dramatically as they have babies, and again as they go through menopause. We go through phases when we wear makeup and phases when we don’t. The beauty of marriage is discovering true intimacy through growing together and trusting each other.

Marriages that work, that have real intimacy, are built on a foundation that is deeper than looks.

I have two suggestions. The first is to forget about the weight gain and focus on the things you love about your wife inside. She recently told you that she had put on 50 pounds. I wonder if, as someone who was very proud of her athletic body, it’s possible that she doesn’t feel good about it either.

So the second part of the advice is to ask her lovingly how she feels about her weight gain, and try to figure out what’s going on with her. If she’s happy the way she is, you’ve got your answer. If, on the other hand, she would really like to return to her old form, you can ask how you can support her.

Dear Jane,

At 72 years old, I feel my life is over.

I married a man who I realized after our divorce was a narcissist. His behavior throughout our 22 years of marriage cost me dearly in terms of losing friends and not living up to my potential in my job. And now I feel like everyone I get close to is disappearing from my life.

After my divorce, I became close to a friend whose husband died suddenly; we supported each other by taking trips and outings. But now she spends most of her time with her family, who live nearby – and while I know this is normal, I feel like I’ve become the friend she only calls when no one else is around .

Another friend just got into care many miles away and I miss her.

I have two lovely children and precious grandchildren who live fairly close by. I have babysat my son’s children several times. But now that they are older, they don’t need any care anymore, so I don’t see them that often.

Once again I have taken care of my daughter and my partner’s son since he was a baby.

He is now reaching the age where I looked forward to taking him out. However, it is likely that the family will move miles away, so this will not be possible – and I am terrified that I will not be near the daughter I get on so well with.

I’ve offered people the hand of friendship with offers of trips or just a chat over tea, but nothing seems to have come of it. I feel really despondent and honestly feel like giving up.

I do accept that people have to live their own lives, but just feel that mine is so empty.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

From Lonely Life

Dear lonely life,

You do sound lonely, and yet you have so many wonderful people around you. Your children and grandchildren live close by, and while you may not take them on day trips anymore, there are plenty of other things you can do with them now that they’re older.

You say you feel like someone you get close to disappears from your life, but other than your friend who is more involved with family, it seems like you have people around you. Feelings, strong as they are, are not facts; it is wise to put the feeling aside and start counting your blessings.

Keep doing exactly what you’re doing. So many of us are extremely lonely, and it’s hard to extend the hand of friendship, but you did it. So far nothing may have come of it, but the more you put into friendships, the more you will get out of it. If the people you’ve met don’t seem to become real friends, keep going until you find the people who will.

As you rightly pointed out, we don’t need many friends; often we only have one or two people around us who really understand us.

I think what is missing in your life is purpose. Right now you are defined by what you do for other people, who may not need you in the same way. Find more purpose, whether it’s volunteering, taking classes, rendering service in some way. The more you surround yourself, the more you learn and focus on something other than loneliness, the less lonely you will be.