My Wealthy Banker Husband REFUSES To Tip At Restaurants — And I’m Hurt By His Selfish Behavior

Dear Jane,

My husband and I live a very privileged lifestyle – and I feel very lucky to be able to do this. My husband has been working in finance for many years and we have always had a really good time.

I am so incredibly grateful to him for giving myself and our children such a great lifestyle that has never allowed me to worry about money like so many people do.

It makes me feel even more foolish for bringing this up because in reality I have a great life and a great marriage.

But ever since I’ve known my husband, he’s always been a terrible tipper. By that I mean he refuses to tip anything and I’m always so mortified by it that I find myself no longer wanting to go out to dinner with him.

He always insists that it should be the restaurant’s responsibility to pay staff appropriately – and doesn’t seem to understand that it’s just not okay to leave nothing behind when we eat out.

Every time I bring it up he gets so angry at me and accuses me of wanting to take a stand against his personal beliefs. We’ve had so many awkward and awkward confrontations with staff because of that and it’s now gotten to the point where I carry cash and try to sneak it out when we end up in a restaurant because I’m so afraid of servers getting angry.

My husband is truly the most wonderful man in so many ways, but I’m finding it increasingly difficult to get over this tipping hurdle – and my reluctance to go out to dinner with him is starting to take a serious toll on our marriage.

How can I explain my feelings to him without confusing him?

By,

Tilt over the edge

Dear Tipping Over the Edge,

Your husband may be right about the restaurant’s responsibility to pay staff correctly, and in the UK and Europe it is.

Servers are paid full wages and tips, or “pour boire” as they say in France, are small amounts of money to thank the servers.

Unfortunately, however, servers in full-service restaurants in America are paid a “waiter’s wage,” a specific minimum wage set by the state that expects employees to pay most of their salary in tips.

Depending on the state, that minimum wage can be as little as $2.13 per hour. While many restaurants then supplement that to meet the federal minimum wage of $7.25 per hour, that still means a 40-hour week at the federal minimum wage would be $290.

I wonder how your husband would fare living off that?

Working in the service industry is great for teaching humility, discipline and a good work ethic, but the downside can be dealing with the public, who, like your husband, don’t know or maybe don’t care how tough it’s work. and how few servers are paid.

Most servers in the United States rely solely on tips to come up with a decent living wage.

You say that you are both very well off and lucky to have a great lifestyle. Take the emotions out of this conversation by doing your own research on how few servers are paid in your state. Once you know, sit down and show your man the numbers, and let the facts speak for themselves.

Once you are both fully aware of the facts, tell him that you are no longer comfortable going to a restaurant with him unless a tip is given.

Should he not see the light, perhaps suggest he try living on your state’s minimum wage to see how he fares.

Dear Jane,

My only child, a daughter now 40, still gives me sleepless nights.

I raised her alone from the time she was three years old after her father and I divorced. She has always been anxious and had a hard time in high school and failed to settle in college, leaving after 18 months.

Her employment history is also not good. The longest she has ever worked for a company is about 15 months. Her anxiety and depression escalate when she disagrees and eventually quits her job.

I wonder if she will ever settle down and be happy. She has been living on her own for quite some time after splitting up with an ex-partner some 10 years ago. Since then she has had a few boyfriends, but has not lived with them.

She recently met someone new and she really likes him and they talked about the future together.

The problem is that she is so messy at home. This may sound very trivial and it’s none of my business, but it’s getting out of hand.

I am currently babysitting her dog while she is away for a few days and the house is dirty and untidy. I don’t even want to start doing anything other than washing dishes. Cooking is a problem, everything looks dirty.

If I say something to her she immediately gets mad at me and says she will do it but never does.

I feel like this is part of her mental health issues and will eventually affect her relationship. Do you have any advice?

By,

What a mess

Dear what a mess,

I am so sorry that your adult daughter is still giving you sleepless nights. We make sacrifices all these years to give our kids what we think they need, expecting them to go away and live happily ever after, and I know how hard it is when that’s just not the case.

It sounds like your daughter has a long history of very real issues that haven’t been addressed.

It’s totally understandable that you’re concerned as your daughter is now 40 and still struggling.

While you can’t intervene to change your daughter’s life, you can encourage her to seek help for her anxiety and depression, and seek advice on how to support her more effectively.

I would suggest finding yourself a therapist or licensed behavioral health specialist.

Unfortunately for you, your daughter is the only one who can help herself, whether it’s emotional issues, work, or a dirty house. It’s clear she doesn’t have the tools she needs to properly navigate her life.

Encourage her to find the right support for herself, without telling her what she should be doing with her life.