My nieces and nephews want money for Christmas. Is it fair to give them different amounts, and how can I avoid it costing me a fortune? Money psychotherapist VICKY REYNAL answers

I have ten nieces and nephews that I adore, and I buy birthday and Christmas presents for all of them. But as they get older, they prefer money, which can be quite tricky when comparing what they get. It’s a pretty big expense for me now and I need help planning a way that’s fair to them – and to me. Can you help?

CN, via email

Vicky Reynal replies: First of all, I would like to acknowledge your generosity – not only financially, but also the thoughtfulness you show in remembering all your many nieces and nephews on special occasions. I hope your kindness is recognized and returned with gratitude.

However, as their preferences change and the financial burden increases, it’s completely normal to feel the need to reassess how you approach gift giving. And this is not just for them, but for your own emotional and financial well-being.

The first step is to determine a budget you would like to spend on Christmas and birthdays for your nieces and nephews. The second is to decide how best to divide that budget among them.

The “right” budget is very much a personal choice, but you can narrow it down by setting a range that feels acceptable and then choosing a specific amount within that range. To do this, you need to tap into your feelings: On one end of the spectrum is a number that feels too high, causing you to harbor resentment about the donation process. On the other hand, there will be a number that feels too low and doesn’t really reflect how much you want and can give.

Note that I do not take into account how much they expect to receive. Regardless of expectations, it is never a good idea to give more than you can afford or more than you really want just because it is expected of you. This ultimately damages the relationship instead of nourishing it. You can take their expectations into account when delivering the gift: if you think someone will be disappointed by the amount, you can leave room to express that, acknowledge it and explain the importance of financial boundaries. Although it may feel like you’re letting them down, do what’s best for the relationship and also demonstrate good financial behavior.

And remember: a few extra pounds added to each gift may not mean much to the recipient individually, but when multiplied by ten family members, it could push you into financial resentment.

Your budget may change from year to year depending on your financial circumstances. That is completely understandable. If you need to reduce your budget, use this as an opportunity to remind your nieces and nephews (especially the older ones) that we are all noticing that our financial situations are changing and that we need to make conscious choices: you do what you feel good about your financial well-being this year.

The next step is to decide how to divide your budget among them. You have said that you value honesty. However, everyone defines fairness differently, so it’s unrealistic to expect your approach to please everyone. What you can do is choose a fairness parameter, communicate it clearly, and apply it consistently. I recommend selecting an objective parameter – perhaps related to their age rather than how close you feel to each child. For example, you might decide that all children in primary school will receive £5, those in secondary school will receive £10, or that everyone will receive the same amount regardless of age. The key is to communicate your decision and apply it consistently. Depending on their age, you may need to explain your choice to the parents or to the children directly.

You may also consider pooling resources with other family members to give larger gifts together. However, this approach requires negotiating with others who may have different views on how much to contribute and what constitutes a “fair” distribution.

Once you’ve set a reasonable budget and set up a fair system, you can add a more personal touch through the card or by passing. For those with whom you have a stronger relationship, you can spend more time writing a heartfelt card or having a longer, more personal conversation when you give their gift.

And remember: your love for them is not measured by how much you spend, but is shown by thoughtful gestures and the time you spend for their happiness.

• Do you have a question for Vicky? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk