My mother, a 73-year-old widow, keeps talking to me about her SEX LIFE

Dear Jane,

My father passed away a few years ago and his passing left us all heartbroken, especially my mother, who had been married to him for over 40 years. At first she withdrew into herself, didn’t spend time with friends, didn’t want to socialize — and my brother and I have worked very hard to encourage her to put herself out there, including suggesting in recent months that she try by going on a few dates.

To our surprise, she agreed. She joined a dating site and totally threw herself into it, which is great. There’s just one big problem: she keeps talking to me about her sex life. She used to get pretty excited about stuff like that, but now every time I see her it’s all she wants to talk about. And in very graphic detail! Positions she likes or wants to try, questions about technique, asking me for sex toy recommendations… it goes on and on.

I don’t mean to sound prude, but my 73 year old mother talking to me about oral sex is just way too much for me to handle. I don’t want to rain her very sex positive parade or make her feel like she’s not entitled to some fun but it’s reached the point where I’m so uncomfortable I’m actually avoiding her calls so I don’t have to go again chatting about her latest bedroom adventure.

Any idea how I can get her to stop without hurting her feelings?

Van, confused daughter

Dear confused daughter,

I’m glad your mother is getting a second chance at life, especially after such a happy marriage and subsequent huge loss.

And I’m shocked that she’s sharing everything with you. Good God, there are some lines that should never be crossed, and I’m a firm believer that kids don’t want or need to know about their parents’ sex lives.

It’s over-sharing, crossing a line, and, as I think most kids would agree, very inappropriate.

Your mother sounds fantastic, and how brilliant that, thanks to your advice, she embarks on a series of sex capades, but I shudder in horror that she questions you, her daughter of all people, about technique. What it does suggest to me though, given how new this is to her, is that she needs someone to talk to, preferably someone she hasn’t been born to yet.

No need to rain on her parade if you tell her this has to stop. I encourage you to practice the words before you sit down with her so that you don’t go back to such an uncomfortable topic in disgust.

When you’re ready, and preferably in person, tell her there’s something you want to talk about. Start by saying how excited you are about her embracing life and having adventures again. Show how happy you are with her explorations and that it’s great that she’s awakening sexually, but as her daughter, you’re very uncomfortable hearing about it. If she wants to talk about her sex life, she’ll have to find another confidante.

Maybe she has a boyfriend, or if not, she can find a counselor. At the very least, Dr. Google and now Chat GPT have a large number of suggestions for technique.

If she refuses to stop, interrupt her and remind her that you’re not comfortable talking to her about this. It may take a few times for the message to sink in, but if you take a deep breath, be brave enough to always interject with this phrase, she’ll stop sharing too much with you.

Dear Jane,

My younger sister now went through a particularly nasty divorce almost a year ago and was essentially unceremoniously thrown out of the house she had shared with her horrible ex-husband.

At the time, she asked if it would be okay to come and stay with me for a few weeks while she sorted herself out – and of course I was more than happy to welcome her into my home. My kids adore her, she gets along really well with my husband, and I thought it would be a great way for us to spend some time together if we had her in the house for a while.

The point is… that was ten months ago now. And she shows no signs of wanting to look for a place or try to make a move. I’ve dropped a few hints about it and even tried encouraging her to sit down with me and go through online rental lists but every time I do she just says it brings back too many horrible memories of her divorce and she starts to cry.

I don’t mean to be mean, but I want my personal space back! She works from home so she’s always around and I just feel like I don’t have time for myself, or time to be with my husband. She’s an amazing person, but I feel like I ended up with a third child!

Any advice for telling her to move on?

Van, Stuck with a Cracker

Dear Stuck with a Cracker,

As so many of us know, after three days most guests start to smell like fish. You’ve lasted ten months and frankly you deserve a medal.

What a wonderfully generous offer you made in welcoming her into your home, but boy, is she benefiting now. The fact that she breaks down in tears when you bring up her move tells me she knows how to manipulate you very well and has you pretty much exactly where she wants you – wrapped around her little finger.

You must be with your husband and children, and she must leave. Ignore the tears that will come when you talk to her about it because tears have always gotten her exactly what she wants. So wait for her to finish crying. Hell, maybe get a handy box of tissues out from under the couch and drop the hints.

Tell her clearly that you’ve been happy to be a landing pad during this difficult time, but you all need your space back and it’s time for her to leave. Give her a date, with enough time for her to find something. Ignore tears and any histrionics, and keep calm and say she must be found somewhere else by that date.

This won’t be easy, because she’s taking advantage of you. Living rent-free in your house is pretty awesome for her.

Ten months later, tearful about finding another place to live, reminding her of her divorce is manipulative, wrong, and keeps her a victim while everyone else tiptoes around her.

As long as this continues, she doesn’t have to take responsibility for her life.

Please don’t be fooled by the tears. Stay calm and clear and stick to the date she has to leave.

You can always rent a truck and you and your husband can help load it. Anyway, no more hints. You and your husband need your space back, and if she doesn’t arrange the movers by that date, you should.

Things can be tough with her for a while, but I imagine your relationship will balance out once she stands on her own two feet and takes responsibility for her choices, none of which will happen as long as you’re stepping for tears. Stay loving – and stay STRONG.